Won't someone remind me of my one desire

Wow. Sometimes I don't realize how much I'm holding on to until it all just cracks and floods out. Then I feel bad because I didn't just give it to God in the first place... I decided I'd just try to figure it out myself. Which is stupid because I can never figure it out. You'd think I would've learned by now. Then there's the times where you start making your own decisions for yourself... Stupidly. Then, of course, things change and you realize what you were doing and how maybe it's supposed to go differently. I have a problem with just listening and trusting... Problems with just letting go of the control. But what do you say to someone you love who's miserable? What do you tell them that's going to give them hope? I really don't know. What do you do when you're just at your wits end? Where do you move from there? How do you even move from there? Prayer... I can't believe I'm at a point where I have to ask that question to have God answer it and for it to make sense.
Regression at its finest.
Unanswered questions.
Lack of solutions.
Frustration building.
Prayer.
When do you throw in the towel?
Immediately.
It's not mine to deal with,
It's God's.
Always His.

I don't need to see it to believe it, cause I can't shake this fire deep inside my heart.

Seeing is NOT believing.
If it is, I have no brain.
Or heart.
Or feelings.
No tomorrow.
No future.
But I have those things.
And I have God.

Your name is glorious.
Your love is changing us.

Peace.
Comfort.
Solitude.
Solution.
Love.
Grace.
Mercy.

Wow. So much has been going on... Last week I was in Chicago to watch Jon graduate from Naval basic training. Even before that, though, my dad was admitted into the hospital. Monday night he said he could hear his heart pounding in his head and that he felt a little dizzy. Tuesday, he calls me in the middle of the day to say that he's at the hospital and they're admitting him and keeping him overnight. He had a bunch of tests run on him that night and they found out he has a tear in his carotid artery. This tear is causing his blood pressure to sky rocket at times and at others to drop. He's had an even bigger migraine than normal as well. Not to mention that for at least a week, his left pupil was smaller than his right... All of this was going on RIGHT before we were set to go see Jon. My mom was saying she didn't think he'd get to go and alternate plans were already being arranged just in case. I talked to him on and off all day Wednesday. With some prayer and medication, his blood pressure was down and stable and they were clearing him to not only go home, but to fly the next morning. The past week since then hasn't been fun for my dad exactly as far as his health goes. Things were on and off in Chicago, but he managed it well. We get back and immediately I'm sick. The next day he goes in to his doctor to get checked out. Nothing new; not much different. Constantly I'd ask him "How are you feeling? How's your head? Your eye? What's your blood pressure at?" He checked his blood pressure regularly. Yesterday morning started out nicely. He woke up with no pain in his head, nothing bugging him. We were ecstatic, but not counting our chickens. Two pm comes around and his blood pressure starts climbing. By five, it's at 202/98. Ideal blood pressure is a little below 120/80 ((Mine sits at 113/76)), normal is 120/80. Normal for my dad runs higher anyways, but since this had been running in the 150-160 range. His doctors knew and said that wasn't the spot to worry at. When he read the 202/98, he called for me and asked me to come hang out with him because he was worried about it. We talked about him going to the hospital, he called his doctors and I jumped in the shower. Within twenty minutes we were out the door and headed to Northwest. We were there for five or six hours last night at least. The highest I saw his blood pressure climb last night was 221/113. Not good. He was released last night and sent home with some new medication to hopefully regulate his blood pressure better. This morning as I'm walking out the door to go to church, he tells me his blood pressure is extremely low. He said he wasn't going anywhere and that I should go anyways. Later on, his face started going numb. He's now in the hospital again, admitted, and staying over night. Again. They don't want to do surgery if they don't have to, but so far things don't seem to be changing much except for the symptoms.

Back to Chicago... The flight over with dad was fun. We were in the same row, but on exact opposite sides of the plane. We made friends with the people around us like we always do ((I definitely get that from him)), watched movies and snacked. The best flight that trip, however, was our connecting flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. The flight was at three thirty, I believe, and we were in the sky as the sun was setting. The amazing thing about the land out there is that it's FLAT. And when I say flat, I don't mean country farm land of Washington flat. I mean straight, laid out, see for miles and miles and miles flat. With the sun going down over the edge of the land, looking out of the window and flying only a mile or two above ground, the sky looked like it was on fire and the ground seemed as if it twinkled with all of the street, house and car lights. It was incredible. I wish I could've gotten pictures. My dad and I were the first to arrive at the hotel with my mom and Jacob following behind not too long after. That night as Jacob was hanging out with my myself and my dad in our hotel room, my mom calls and asks my dad to go on a walk with her... Not something usual. When he comes back, he tells us that she informed him of the arrival of her boyfriend later that night.

He's the answer to my silence, he's my sound

It's interesting what you'll hear from God when you just listen... I think so often, especially for myself, I expect answers to my questions always even when I don't ask them. I guess in my mind, I just figure that God knows every thought I have, so why actually ask? But really, if you could read minds, you wouldn't sit there answering questions for everyone just because they thought them. Not to be a Twilight freak, but it's kind of like with Edward. He can hear the thoughts of the people around him and unless asked or "spoken" to directly, he doesn't just respond to people's thoughts. So I imagine it's the same way for God... While he can hear everything in our heads, if we don't ask directly, he probably won't just answer unless we need it. Horrible that I just compared a fictional vampire to my amazing Father, but it just goes to show where we are in culture (: All this to say He and I dialogued last night and He calmed my nerves about some things. Well, one thing in particular: James. While I love James more than I'm positive I've loved any other human being, sometimes my brain can't wrap itself around the concept that he fits into my life perfectly and is supposed to be there. Often when you follow God, you hear about laying down your life, giving everything over to God and letting His will be done and not our own. I guess at some point for me, that translated into the possibility that I'd have to give up one for the other. While I've wrestled with this for a while, it wasn't until last night that I really asked the questions and got my answers. I'd just like to stop for a second and say how faithful God is to answer questions when we ask. He always has an answer for us and is willing to give it if we are willing to hear it. Sunday night Phil invited the interns to his and Emily's house to worship and wrestle with our questions and struggles together. As Dave started playing songs and as Phil was speaking beforehand, it was apparent to me what God wanted to talk about, what He wanted me to ask questions about. So I did. Phil gave us pen and paper and said to write. I didn't keep it, so I can't say exactly what I wrote, but I went through a wrestling process with God. I asked questions. I asked whether or not this was right because some sick and twisted part of me felt like maybe it possibly wasn't. The thought of that was gut wrenching... I talked to Him about a you vs them situation with the two of them. Whether or not I had to choose. Would I be called to leave everything and everyone including James? Would God do that? Then the questions turned to my priorities... Were they in the wrong place? If God was ripped out of my life, would it hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the thought of James being gone? Would I be the same person? Could I exist on some level of contentment? The very basic answer to almost all of these questions was, and is, 'no'. After I had struggled with the first few, God just said "Look at Phil and Emily. Look at Syrina and Evan." Essentially His question to me was whether or not, knowing what they mean to the other, would they succeed apart from each other? Would He ever dream of doing that? Once again, the answer was 'no'. He wouldn't separate them... He wouldn't have created specifically the one for the other just to call them away from each other. He's not sadistic and that's not how He works. When it came to the questions about my separation from God, I already knew the answers... Removing God from me would take away the very heart of my life. I struggle and fail a lot at centering my life around Him at all times like I should and sometimes I don't say what I should say or do what I should do, but He's at the core of who I am and the things I want. Taking Him out would remove a lot more from my life than just Himself. So, no, I wouldn't be the same person and I really couldn't live on some level of contentment with that kind of hole in my chest. The answer to end all questions for the night was this: "It's not about a choice". He's not asking me to choose. He never has in this situation and He never will. One for the other, both for Him. Does that mean I won't ask it again? Probably not... I'm sure that sick and twisted part of me will rear its head again and doubt things that have the most simple of answers and if and when I do, He'll tell me the same thing: it's not about a choice.

I feel like I should stay consistent and have a song lyric for my title, but I can't think of one right now and the last song I was listening to was all beautiful piano... Now Journey is playing. haha Don't Stop Believin', of course!

These past two weeks have seemed like an entire month and a half in themselves.

So much has happened, yet not that much.

Jon is officially a Navy kid. They own him, I guess you could say. I don't like how it sounds, but essentially it's the truth. We got to hang out with him on Wednesday the nineth for a while. We went to the mall, ate some dinner and then went to Family Fun Land. The irony of being there was the fact that my mother's boyfriend was also there. He was there for the entire time we were all hanging out, actually, even at the mall. I think my biggest frustration is for my dad. He just wanted the five of us to be together one last time and then her boyfriend's there. I don't know.. I understand that I need to go to him and work out my problems with him or at least make peace, but I just get so frustrated. Anyways. So we all played arcade games for about and hour and a half and then we played thirty four holes of our version of mini golf (: I say 'our version' because there were a whole lot of hole-in-ones that happened that otherwise would not have! The rule was that as long as your ball didn't stop, it was still in play and if you happened to kick, nudge, shuffle, scoot, shoot, shove, whatever it into the hole, it was only one!

dlagnworithfghfg'tj'agfsdg; My dad just called. My mom got what's called an automated letter from Jon and it's the list of people he wants at his graduation... I'm on it and my dad said he's going to try to see about buying my plane ticket for me!

So we played those amazing rounds of mini golf and were done after that. Dad and I took Jon back to the hotel where he was staying and made it just in time for his nine pm bed check.

Our one desire: To praise You and lift You up... I surrender

I'm so fully aware of God these days. Even in my worst times, I know He's there and I can feel Him. Feel Him working, feel Him fighting for me, screaming for me to listen... I think it's almost always been like that, just sometimes I decided to tune it out. Why someone, logically, would want to tune out God, I don't know. Why I tuned God out is so I wouldn't feel so guilty and convicted when I was doing things I shouldn't have been. Now, even in the midst of sin, I feel Him and hear Him. Today I got so ridiculously pissed off. Maybe it was a build up of things, maybe it was something else... Whatever it was, it made me incredibly mad. Jacob being snarky didn't help and I immediately began taking it out on him. Even sitting in my room blasting angry music, I could feel God move. I had the same song playing on repeat for about thirty minutes and just sat with God while being angry. What an incredible and unbelievable Father we have; what an amazing God we serve.

Speaking of sitting with God, Phil spoke last Wednesday about feeling God's presence on Tuesday night and how that doesn't always happen, but he realized that he wasn't the only thing alive in the room. I don't feel like it's something to brag about and that's not what I mean, but it makes me wonder... If one of the most inspirational men of God I've ever known doesn't feel God in most of the moments of his day, why do I? What's the difference?

I still don't understand what the heat in the center of my palms is about. I don't know if I'm supposed to be able to do something with it or it means something or what... It's still there, though.

The Internship starts this week... Three day retreat in Skykomish with everyone (: Sunday is our first official day. I'll be at the church from about eight forty five in the morning to seven at night. Eleven hours in my true home. It's a pretty snazzy way to spend a day if you ask me! Toddler's room during first service, going to the second service, meeting my Internship mentor at 12:45-- don't know how long that will take-- and then I'll probably grab lunch and then come back to help set up the church because at four thirty, EPIC Children's Ministry is having a western themed party and all the volunteers have to be there. Going to Katelin's after that whole day (: Pretty excited to see her.

My schedule coming up looks like this:
Tomorrow- Jacob's birthday. So, dinner with him and my dad since Jon and our mother are going to dinner themselves.
Wednesday- Saying goodbye to Jon and sending him off on this terrifying ((to me)) adventure. The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leave for retreat
Friday- At the amazing retreat :D I think we're going to Leavenworth this day.
Saturday- Come home. Rest and sleep.
Sunday- Everything mentioned above. Plus spending the night at Katelin's, not just hanging out (:
Monday- Come home at some point... Maybe do something with family for some random reason?
Tuesday- MY BIRTHDAY! :D Noooooooooo longer a teenager, thank you Jesus. Morning class-- Sprititual Descipleship-- with Ben Dixon from nine to eleven. Fam fam dinner. Which isn't restricted to the fam fam considering I invited Josh and Jazzie (:
Wednesday- The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leadership meeting with everyone from The Internship from eight to ten in the morning. First class through New Life Ministries Classes on Spiritual Formation from six to nine.
Friday- No clue :D hahaha FREE DAY!
Saturday- GAME NIGHT in celebration of my birthday at Mike and Julie's. Much fun and laughter to be had.

I'm a little stressed about the lack of a car to help me get to all of these places, but there are the busses. ALTHOUGH, I don't know if the Everett bus system runs at nine at night and if not, then I'm screwed on getting home... So I'll have to figure that out within the next week so I don't get stranded because that would be atrocious.

I can't believe Jon's going into the Navy... It's freaking me out to not know where his duty station is going to be; to know that the field he's going into is going to place him in high demand and could take him straight to the battle zones. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. We're all going to be bawling like humungous babies this Wednesday... Which is why I'm so glad I'll be at The Young that night. I know I will need it.

Since I'm doing The Internship this year, I have decided, officially, that I am going to do the mcDTS in 2010. I spoke with Anne-Mieke about it and asked when I could start turning in paperwork for it and she said I could do that now, so I'm going to. I want to get locked into it early so I have no excuses for not going. Hopefully before it's 2010 I'll have all of the forms turned in (:

God, You're so awesome. Thanks for everything You've given me and continue to do. I'm sorry I'm such a pain.

I want nothing but to rest my soul

It's funny how my feelings towards certain people never change no matter how long it's been. I don't know what to do in this instance, but what I would like to do is to grab my adopted sister and hug her. I've known Rosie for four years now even though it seems like it's been ten. A lot of the time, I took on the role of her protector. Sometimes it seemed like I was a stand-in mom... I love that girl more than I love a lot of people. I would glady give everything and do anything if she could be okay. I felt that way meeting her behind our cabin at camp four years ago, I felt that way three years ago when she lived with me, I feel that way now and I always will. In some odd way, she kept me whole. We went through a lot of drama together and a lot of chaotic things, but she was my best friend and along the way became part of my family. I just want to go get her... I want to bring her back and sit her on my bed and talk. Hand her Bunny Foo Foo and listen to anything she needs to say. Or hold her like I have hundreds of times before. I just want to keep the world from damaging her anymore. I want to stop her from hurting... I wish I could. It's frustrating that I can't.

Serenity, confusion, happiness, loss

This has been an interesting past week and a half... I feel like I've lost my resolve. I am not sitting with God throughout my day. He's always with me, but I'm not there. Definitely not checked in. These past few days have been far from my best. It's frustrating to say the least. I almost feel overwhelmed in a way..? But I'm not sure why or where that's coming from.

I wrote that part earlier, left it and now I'm finishing I guess.



So, I got my official acceptance letter into The Internship with MC4. It made me excited for this upcoming year and for God and growth. I still feel overwhelmed and I still feel like I'm standing back a little too far, but hopefully it'll fade quickly.

I have decided, I have resolved, to wait upon You Lord

My rock and redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirt reign, flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

We are not shaken
We are not moved
We wait upon You Lord
Mighty deliverer, triumph and truth
We wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as Your word endures

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit reign, flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

You'll Come
This is Our God
Hillsong




I just reread my blog from last week... Mainly the last paragraph and the prayer following. I can definitely say God moved. I watched four hundred students pour out their hearts and cry out for our God and say that they needed Him. I felt myself being transformed throughout the week. It's funny because we had a talk some point during one of the leader's meetings last week about how we're here for the students, but why can't we get anything out of it. Exactly my thoughts. I don't feel like camp is just for those kids. Yes, we are there for them, the experience is created with all of them in mind. But if the leaders can't be filled and changed as well, what good are we to the students?

I, for one, feel lighter in a bunch of different ways. I guess the word 'free' would be a great way to describe it. I didn't fully realize it until I was in with the two year olds on Sunday morning. Past times, I've felt a little weird. Like the things we were doing were embarrassing or that I thought I looked ridiculous. This week, I didn't care. I had the majority of the kiddos playing peek-a-boo with me on the slide for at least ten minutes. I didn't care how silly the hand motions may have looked when we were playing their worship tape. It flat out didn't matter to me what everyone who wasn't in that room thought. My actions speak towards those kids. They follow what we do and how we act... If I hold back and act embarrassed, they will too. I don't want them to ever feel ashamed because they're living for God or because they're worshipping Him. Ever.

One of the best things about our God is that He meets us where we're at. I saw the transformation from the first day with the high schoolers who had their walls up and didn't let God move to the final days when you would watch them and know God had shown up and changed them. I am SO proud of the group we had. Especially the MC4 kids. Holly, to me, seemed unsure when we first got there. At the end, her wall was down and she was encountering God. One of the first days, April told me she wasn't going to bawl. I told her that as soon as she puts God in a box, He cannot get out of it. She told me the next day that I was right. Watching her throughout the week, I could not help but smile. There were a few times where I just stopped and watched her worship. She was so on fire and it just seemed like she couldn't get enough. This week, she's leading the junior highers. So is Holly, actually. Jessica realized the changes she needed to make when she got home with the relationship she has with her mom. How she needs to let her be more of a mom and not just a best friend. Lamaiah... Sweet, sweet girl. Her sixteenth birthday was on Thursday. It was the first time she'd been away from her family for her birthday and early on, she was not happy about it. She felt like she didn't fit in and that she was missing out from being at home. She and I had a talk on Tuesday night during pre-service prayer about where she was at and how she was doing. One of the things she said to me was that she was going to miss the traditions for her birthday. How every year, she wakes up and there's a present at her feet. You'd better believe we made that happen for her (: She woke up with the present at her feet just like every other year of her life. We also sang to her about three different times throughout the day! Nick Glenn. Oh my word. He came this year also as a new leader... Wednesday night I made it a point to say how proud of him I was. I remember him four years ago when we first met. I remember how he wasn't really sure of himself. I know in those four years, he'd walked away from God. This past week though, he was ministering to kids. Reading through bible verses with them, spending time with them and mentoring them. I feel like the words were from both myself and God.

Just so I don't forget, I guess I should probably go through my week. Monday night we started off with a bang. haha Kids were on their knees crying out and worshipping and the leaders were laying hands on them. I kept praying one thing over kids as I moved throughout them and made my way to the front with the MC4 kids and that was "New breath, new life". After Chad was done speaking and was dismissing the ladies from the chapel, I went and talked to him about it... He asked me to find him the next night and share it. So Tuesday night I found him before worship and asked if he still wanted me to speak. He said yes. Worship was over, he was settling everyone down and asked me to come up. I really don't have a clue at all what I said. I spent about ten minutes during pre-service prayer that night praying about my speaking-- not to be nervous and to let God's words flow through me. I once had someone say that typically when you can't remember your prayers, it's because God was speaking through you. Whether or not that's true, I guess what I said impacted people. I remember challenging them to open up and let God move... I remember saying that Jesus died so we had the chance at a new breath and a new life. That I felt like that's what the week was about-- finding that new breath and new life in God no matter where you were already at. Wednesday night we prayed for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. God being God, he sent me girls I had never met before :D Later we got into small groups and prayed. We were supposed to pray for our friends and then interceed for the nations. I had two girls in my group. One I didn't catch the name of, the other was Heather. As I was moving into the intercession ((by the way, I apparently became a praying fiend because I used to find it so nerve wracking and now I'm a-okay with it. Good job God!)) Heather passed out. I had my eyes closed, but I felt her slump to the floor. She woke up about fifteen seconds later and I immediately walked her out to Kimmer's. Luckily, she didn't hit anything, she just collapsed. Kimmer says it was the heat, I say different. lol Either way, I was glad she was okay and she and I spent the rest of the ten minutes or so of chapel time outside on one of the picnic tables talking. Thursday night during pre-service prayer, we got into prayer groups again. This was to just pray over each other for anything we needed... I was asked to join a group of three. The boys names I didn't get ((Jeez I suck at that! I should probably work on it...)) the girl's name was Sara. I started asking what they wanted prayer over-- one of the boys wanted prayer for his back pain-- but I stopped, turned to Sara and started speaking into her life. I prayed over her for about ten minutes and then she went to the back to her cabin leader. Later that night, I prayed over a girl during worship. I could hear her and felt this pull, so I went. We ended up moving her outside and talking to her and whatnot. She looked like she came out of it with a weight lifted off her shoulders. Friday night I spent talking with Kimmer about a bunch of different things. During pre-service prayer for Friday, though, I got a chance to talk to Sara again. She told me how much what I said on Tuesday night meant to her as well as the prayer the night before. She said she left that thinking that I was the kind of person she wanted to be and then asked me to mentor her. I've talked about this to a few people and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. It was my favorite serious moment about camp that week. I gave her my name and my number so we'll see if that goes anywhere.

Now to some amazing funny moments. The best one of all was Friday morning. Leaders are ALWAYS allowed in whenever. I was hanging out in the chapel before the kids were let in for morning service and suddenly I see all these leaders flooding in; most of them guys. Drew and Riley were two of the games people for the week and they had gotten out this large bag of dodge balls. As the guys started huddling in, I walked over. I was handed a dodge ball and then I started walking around them. I somehow moved myself into the center of this gigantic circle we had going on with all the guys surrounding me and the majority of the rest of the dodge balls on the ground in front of me. We crowded in as best we could and tried to make it seem like a huge prayer group. So, they started letting the students in and as they were doing so, Riley's in the front telling everyone to be respectful of the prayer group in the center and to keep quiet. I'm finding this so hilarious that I could not stop laughing. We're sitting there strategizing about how to best hit these kids in the face with the balls and how to spread out as quickly as possible. Dave actually did begin to pray, but they were things like 'God, please aim our missiles directly at the students. Jesus give them power and accuracy' or 'God I pray a shield of protection around the leaders' It was amazing. Luckily, my voice was so gone that, to everyone NOT in the circle, my laughing sounded like I was crying. I'm huddle over this pile of dodge balls so that the crafty kids who are starting to stand on chairs so they can see what's going on can't tell. I was shaking from laughing so hard and I actually snorted a few times. Drew at some point got on the mic and told everyone to squish up to the front so that people were pretty much lumped together in a mob. I guess my 'crying' was convincing, as I was told by a few people later on. People had started to calm down and were actually fairly quiet when Riley shouted 'NOW!' and we all opened up and started hurling the balls (: It lasted for about five minutes back and forth and I could not stop laughing.
Another was Tuesday when we played tug-o-war.. My group of girls, along with humungous Oak Harbor boys and a few other girls cabins, won :D The last battle was my team as well as half of the MC4 boys. We beat! It was great.
There was a shaving cream fight on Wednesday.
Thursday we had an AMAZING thunder storm :D I literally had been praying for that.
We had to cancel the mud pit on Friday due to the colder weather. Ironically, it had warmed up around the time we would've been doing it.

All in all, it was probably the best week of camp I've had. I cannot wait for next year and I'm extremely excited for God to keep moving in the days to come (:

Take my life, I lay it down

At the cross where I am found
All have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all you have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And Your are mine

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

Arms Open Wide
Hillsong


Worshipping at home versus worshipping at church or in a church setting is interesting. You're not in an established place that you KNOW is all about God. It's just your home. Although, maybe your home is all about God. I cannot wait for that... I think worship at home is just slightly more beautiful in a way. All worship is incredible and beautiful, but there's something about CHOOSING to not be in a church or church setting... To be in your car or on the bus or at school or in your home worshipping God because it's what you want to do. I love it. I feel like my worship is most meaningful outside of church. I feel like I get more God out of it because I don't have a hundred other people around me that could be distractions in any form. I'm in my room, nothing's going on that I'm not fully aware of, I'm worshipping God. It's a great feeling.

This song is one we'll be singing this week at camp. I'm very, very excited for it. For this song, for this week at camp... All of it. My favorite part in this song is My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name. And forever I will pray have Your way. It just says a lot. I've had issues every year about turning away from God, struggling to come back, struggling to get closer... It's odd, but I feel like I'm finally getting it. I'm finally grasping this whole thing and learning what it means to truly give my whole life.

I have a feeling this week at camp is going to be unlike the others I've been to before... It doesn't really have much to do with my stepping into the leader role and not being a camper with the senior highers, it has more to do with this feeling about God and His presence. In previous years, Friday nights have been the big ones... They're the ones where people get saved if they haven't been already, people get spiritual gifts, they start speaking in tongues, they feel God more than they've ever felt Him before. There was one exception and that was last year... Last year's big night was on Thursday rather than Friday. Friday was still just as great, but we were in the chapel until about eleven... Maybe even midnight on Thursday. Either way, I feel like this week is going to be a bunch of those in-your-face God nights. I pray that it is. I can't speak for the other churches because I don't know where their kids are at, but I know students of The Young need a good week long smacking in the face from God. I know I do as well... That's always the funny thing. Camp's about the students, but the leaders need the stretching as well. It'll be interesting for me to be on the other side of things and to see how I grow this time. I can't wait... These six days are some of my favorites in the year. I'd live them over and over again if I could.


God, I pray that You show Yourself to these students in a new way. I pray that You push them to their limits and help them to grow. Not only do I ask this for the students, but for the leaders as well. For the speakers who are coming in, I ask that You give them a fresh voice and a keen ear to hear what You want them to teach. I pray that lives are changed in a more permanent way. I pray coming home and readjusting to life outside of a constant controlled atmosphere isn't hard on us all; that what we learn this week sticks with us longer than a month. I pray for lasting changes God. I pray that You reveal plans You have for our lives and that You correct an uncertainties we may have about You or the life You have for us. I pray this week isn't like the ones we've had before; rather that it be so apparent that You are with us at all times, holding us when we need it, pushing us when we need it, speaking words and breathing life when we need it. I thank You for this group of people that is coming together to draw closer to You. Thank You for the opportunity I have to be here once again.

The enemy has been defeated. Death couldn't hold you down.

There's a time for everything... If nothing else, I've learned that in my life. No, continuing to shoot for Australia is not the right thing for right now. There's always later. If it's meant to happen, it will. I filled out my application for the MC4 Intership today when I was over at Julie's. I got to have a pretty nice conversation with Phil this morning as well after the service was over ((Ten minutes early, too! haha)) I talked to him somewhat about what's been going on with me recently as well as where I am now. After that, he had me go get the application out of his laptop case in Sean's office and when I came back, we talked about it. We're getting together this week to talk some more and I'm definitely looking forward to it. I didn't say anything about not going to camp... I'm staying here and that needs to be his decision.

I've never loved God more. I've never wanted Jesus in my life more than I do today and moving forward. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast

Yep. I'm seriously listening to that song right now. I have fifteen Disney songs on my Zune and I'm playing them on shuffle because Disney is amazing :D

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I'm not sure if I want to give up on Australia for this year or if I really do want to save it. I don't know if now is the time to go or not. All I do know is that when Amy left me that comment saying that her scanner was waiting for me to use, I felt this little tear in my heart. I was a little sad from last week's decision to hold off on going on that mcDTS. I guess what I'm wondering is is this trip something I'm supposed to do with someone else? Or should I do it alone? That's always been one of the things that excited me about a DTS-- not knowing anyone else there. So, if I know someone there, if I come with someone, does that detract from that excitement? Slightly. I feel like I'm all about pushing my comforts and my boundaries and forcing myself to be in out there positions. I love pushing myself to make connections on my own and without the help of other people and I know that if I have someone with me that I already know, I'll have a tendancy to stick near them and not branch out so much. While the prospect of being in a different country without anything familiar seems frightening, I love it. Maybe I can't give up on this... Maybe I do need to fight for it. I mean, there's two months left till the school starts, I can do it. I just need to do it all NOW. This would also mean not going to camp as a leader... This would mean stepping back and not fully immersing myself into The Young. At the same time, though, how well can I lead when I myself am still searching and trying to figure things out? How effective can I be if I'm so far behind? I feel like this would be a benefit to not only myself but to the kids and to my fellow leaders. If I'm a stronger person, I can strengthen others. Can I get the money in two months? Well, if God really wants me to go, absolutely.

Hello there, God (: "Trust in Me" is what I hear... What does that even look like? I know what it's like to trust someone, but when it comes to trusting in You for answers, what does that look like? How can I be absolutely sure that I have an answer when you give it to me? "I open doors" True. Doors are always opened to lead us to the path you want us to go on. Just because I want to do one thing doesn't mean I shut the doors you've opened for me. Just because I don't want to miss out on camp and want to go as a leader which would require me to be in a steady position to stay here doesn't mean that it's what I'm supposed to do. I think either way I shouldn't go to camp... I have no idea what I'm doing and it's not fair to try and say I'll be here when I don't know if that's what's going to happen. You're gonna see, it's our destiny. You've got a friend in me :D More Disney :D haha I felt it was appropriate. It was also playing. Now Can You Feel the Love Tonight is on! ANYWAYS. I guess I just need to go for it. I don't feel one hundred percent on that, but I don't know if I ever will. Hopefully one of these days I won't doubt whether or not it's Your voice or just my head.

I don't even know where to pick up. Background check..? I need money for that. Yes, my dad. But I hate asking for money. I hate asking him for things at all. "He's your dad, he'll help" I'll call the courthouse on Monday and ask about it. I have the number.

Here's to the red, white and blue

So. Jon leaves for basic in... Forty eight days. He has to report to the hotel for briefing on September 9th, so that will technically be the last day we see him for a while. He's going to Great Lakes, Michigan for basic and will be moving to Pensacola, Florida for his schooling. He'll be doing cryptology work. I don't remember the exact name for it, so I'll have to ask, but essentially, it's a pretty smarty pants and important job. Although, every job in the armed forces is important, so I'm not really sure how I could gauge how this one is more so than the others. Probably because my brother will be the one doing it. I'm not sure when any of his things end... I don't know when basic is over, I don't know when he'll graduate from school, I don't know where he'll be going after that. While I'm extremely proud of him, I've never been more scared for him in his life. It hasn't completely hit me yet what he's doing, but as I'm writing this out, it's starting to sink in. The nineth isn't going to be a fun day. I mean, I don't see Jon all the time now as it is since we don't live together, but I have the option to do so now. I won't have that in forty eight days. I can't just call him and tell him about something stupid that reminded me of him and made me laugh. He's in, so far, for a total of six years. One year is basic and school, the other five are stationed and possible active duty. Hopefully he'll take advantage of those thirty days a year he'll get to come home and visit. As much as I hate them, I'm already missing those rib-crushing hugs.

Jesus, would you light up my way?

I hate sucky dreams. Actually, I hate anything other than pleasant dreams that you wake up from and wish that you could immediately go back to. There's bad dreams and nightmares and sucky dreams. Bad dreams are just bad. They're not nice and fuzzy, but they're also not terrifying. Nightmares are what they are. Sucky dreams, to me at least, are the dreams you REALLY don't like having personally, but they are really only bad for you to have. I had the suckiest dream I can ever recall having last night and I honestly hope and pray I never have that dream again. I don't remember much of it... Part in the beginning was a baseball or soccer game, but the majority of the dream I spent crying and being angry. I don't remember how, but at some point, James died in the dream. It was one of those dreams, too, that FELT real, which made it even worse. For the most part, I'm fully aware I'm dreaming. Most of the time, even in nightmares, I know that it's not real and that I will wake up either, a. when I decide to wake myself up b. when the dream is done or c. when something else wakes me up. This felt so real and I was completely convinced that it had actually happen. Thankfully, I woke up... It happened to be three hours earlier than I normally would have, but I would've gladly woken up even before that if it meant the dream ended. The sense of relief I had when I opened my eyes and became aware of where I was was incredible and entirely a blessing. At the same time, it took me about an hour to shake the feelings. I was exhausted as if I really had been crying for hours. I was still mad. I was trying to make sense of it all, but what hit me the most was how much I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I mean, before I would've told you I would be in pieces if I did, but it's more apparent now. I spent the entire day unsure of the dream and a little flustered until he got off work and I was able to talk to him. Honestly, though, I'm still slightly on edge. All I can say is that I'm grateful it wasn't true and that God is the best remedy for life.

My plans have changed. I'm not moving to Portland next year, if at all anymore. James is still coming here and I'm hoping Brittany is as well. James, however, will have his own place separate from where I'm living. He continually amazes me. I felt guilty telling him we weren't moving to Portland and that things for him were going to be a tad more difficult for him because I was uncomfortable with us living together when we're not married. He, however, completely understood and told me it was okay. God is the best in general, but I continually thank Him for James. So, I'm staying in this area... Seattle, Lynnwood, Mill Creek... Something. The exact details, I don't know and I've learned they're not for me to know or for me to try to decide. Church camp is in about two weeks. I've asked Phil if I can go, he's heard where I'm coming from and now I'm waiting to hear what he says about it. I don't blame him for being concerned about what I'm doing-- I mean, I was there and then all the sudden I disappeared. Students need stable people in their lives; people in general need stable people in their lives. So, he asked what my plans were and what I wanted. I want a lot of things... One is to stay connected as a leader in The Young. Stemming from that, building relationships with new students who have since arrived while I was gone, strengthening the ones I already have and pushing growth for everyone. Although, I don't know if pushing is the right word, it's all I can think of for now. I also need to get together with Phil because The Young is starting up an Interns program and he thinks it would be something I'd be interested in and he'd like me to consider it. I'd say that I'm interested, but I don't know really anything about it yet. They had a meeting this past Sunday, but I was with my family at a cabin for the weekend, so I missed it. More and more I'm continually learning to trust God in my life, with my life and with everything I have. It's a life rocking feeling and I'm absolutely enjoying it.

We must be swift as the coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I'm slightly obsessed with this song right now. Don't know why.



Ugh. A lot is on my mind right now... There are two things in particular that are bugging me currently. One is completely frustrating and I'm not sure what to do to change the circumstances. The second I'm not sure if I want to even talk about. The reason I don't want to is because it could be potentially damaging if ever seen. Not to everyone-- to most, it makes no difference at all. Is it considered dishonest if you don't talk about something? If you don't acknowledge something in your life that is fact and truth, does that make the coping and reaction a lie? This is the moment, it's on the line. Which way you gonna fall? In the middle; between wrong and right? That pertains to two things as well... ((Apparently things are coming in twos)) The first being the situation I'm not sure if I want to talk about, the second being my battle with rebellion vs. purity.

This story's going somewhere...

"You're a warrior Beth...

But remember that sometimes, in the midst of the battle, all you have to do is stand.

Let Jesus fight for you"

Yeah, Tashie, that's from you (:

Ever feel like you're not living up to your potential? I mean REALLY not living up to it? Cause every day, I'm feeling this growing burning inside of me to be more. What that means and how that would even look, I'm not completely sure. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like there's so many things I've been gifted with that I, number one, don't even know about and, two, need to start using. Of course, the ability to use them is contingent on finding out what they are. You can't really use a gift if you don't know what it is. I'm trying to find help, but not actually trying. The thought sounds good and pretty in my head, but I don't go after it. I have SUCH a lack of initiative that goes beyond procrastination. It's pretty insane.

I need to get my background check. I'm pretty sure I have to get that through the courthouse because I do believe the police stations, for whatever reason, don't do them. Also, if I'm not mistaken, they cost money, which is something I do not have. I have a dad, but I feel pretty strange asking him for money no matter what it's for. I didn't even ask him to go to the store when there was essentially no food in the house. That's how dysfunctionally awkward I am about asking people for things. I guess I feel like I don't have the right to ask for help..? Where that comes from, I have no clue.

I'm freaking about trying to do this whole DTS thing. I think I'm scared, so I don't even try to get my foot in the door. I mean, I'll never know if I don't try, and failure is assured if I don't. I need to stop looking at the big picture and take it one step at a time.

I feel dysfunctional. It makes me want to laugh, though, so I guess that's sort of a good thing? O_o haha

I'd say that I'd make goals for tomorrow, but I'm pretty bad at them. I guess I'll try to try?

My mind is a safe and if we keep it then we'll all get rich

First half of two thousand and nine is almost done. It's crazy what happens in a span of six months.
Six months ago:
-I desperately wanted to stop being hung up on Justin
-I had feelings for Josh
-I was counting days of sobriety
-I had no job
-I wanted to go to Perth, Australia and go on the mcDTS
-I just wanted to be heard
-I cared about complete strangers whole heartedly

Since then:
-I completely let go of everything with Justin. Literally when the clock hit midnight on New Years, I said "no more" and with one breath, let it go.
I don't think I made a resolution for this year. I think I just wanted to live. Live with no regrets and live as fully as I could.
-I no longer have feelings for Josh. I'm still oddly drawn to him, but there's nothing really there.
-Well, first off, I broke my hundred some odd days of sobriety in January. I don't remember when the last time I had alcohol was, but I haven't been drunk in almost a year.
-I still have no job. It fails miserably.
-UGH. I still want to go to Perth... Badly. I keep making excuses, I keep letting things stop me, I keep doubting the whole thing. Doubting myself, doubting if it really is what God wants me to do, ((I'm being a big idiot about it. He's been wanting me to put myself out there and just freakin GO for three years. Almost one for the mcDTS. I need to shut up and do it)) doubting I guess His ability to get me there... I don't doubt Him, I don't think... But I guess I just feel overwhelmed by it right now.
-I still want to be heard. Sometimes I feel like the things I say sound ridiculous, so sometimes after a while, I just stop saying them. I was born a talker for a reason. I have a lot to say, but a lot of times I won't.
-At the center of everything, I don't think I've stopped completely and whole heartedly caring for complete strangers, but on the surface, I don't.


I feel like I'm back in high school. If I don't know you, whatever, I don't care. If I don't like you, eff off. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I hate being like this. The name calling needs to stop. The distaste for people because they're something else is atrocious. Right now, I feel really freakin off. I feel like I could cry at any second, which is very strange. My chest feels tight, my breathing is heavy and I don't feel like I should. God help me. My mind just went completely blank. This is something that happens frequently. It's like someone's intercepting all my thoughts before they can become complete and run through my mind. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I just got really frustrated. REALLY REALLY frustrated. I'm so sick of this. So sick of the effing battle. It doesn't mean I won't continue it, but I'm so sick of having to fight to live the way I truly want to. I'm so sick of constantly going back and forth. I can be authentic, but it's not who I want to be. I'm so sick and effing tired of having to go through this stupid time period every year in my life where I take a step back from God. I would LOVE to make it one damn year without that freakin four month break where it all seems to come to a hault. I guess I hate walking into the unknown. I hate that I have no idea how to go about this whole life with God. I feel like I'm supposed to figure it out on my own and that I really don't have anyone to help. Quite frankly, other than Brittany and James, I'm feeling pretty disconnected from everyone. I don't really ever see anyone, I don't really talk to people any more... I don't go to youth group, before this past Sunday, I hadn't been to church in a month. For someone who loves being around people so much, I'm alone A LOT. What I've realized lately is that my brothers see my dad more than I do. I see him only at nights. Some nights, I don't even see him because I'm already in my room. We're in the same room for, at most, an hour before I feel awkward and go to my room to leave him alone. I don't talk to my dad and my dad and I don't do anything together. The boys see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Since it's now summer time, most of the weekends they'll be gone camping. It feels GREAT to be left out of your own damn family. I don't ever know when they're going camping until the Thursday night beforehand. By then, most of the time, I've already made plans. Every Wednesday night, they're out somewhere together. Every other night of my dad's weeks are spent at his best friend's house, at another friend's house or with his girlfriend. I essentially live by myself. I want God so bad. SO bad. I just stop for some reason whenever it starts to get there. I have people in my life who are great models for how to live and how I want to be, but I'm not REALLY in relationship with any of them. I try making connections, try to make plans to hang out, but people are busy and are "booked solid for the next few weeks". Then I see Facebook statuses about "I'm bored, anyone want to hang out?" HELLO!? I've been asking to hang out for weeks. Or years in some cases. It's becoming just something people say to me. They don't actually mean it or follow through. Feels pretty fucking sucky. I don't know where to go or what to do next. Everything is so jumbled and I feel pretty lost right now.

Planes, trains and automobiles

That title actually has nothing to do with anything... Well, it does in general, but it does not apply to anything I'm thinking about or have been thinking about.

I just got off the phone with Brittany. She and I ended it crying. Technically we ended it with laughter because of our "random emo tears", but we were crying for the last few minutes. We were talking about people we've lost-- two in particular; her grandma, Roxy and my dad's godmother, Korlene-- and how the thought of losing our parents scares us. We both don't have great relationships with our moms for whatever reason, but both of us would be equally shattered if we lost them. Same goes for our dads. With Roxy and Korlene, the circumstances surrounding their passing away made us question if we could've done something to change it. The knowledge that we couldn't have, shouldn't have and weren't supposed to is firm in our minds, but you can't help but think "What if I was there? Would she still be here?" With Roxy, she was staying at their house... She wanted to go to sleep, but everyone else was playing games together in the living room where she was supposed to be camped out. She decided to just go home to sleep. That night she passed away. Korlene had been getting weaker and weaker as the months passed last year. One night in October, my dad asked me to go stay with her. For whatever reason when he came home, he didn't do so to take me to her house. I didn't go there that night... The next morning, she collapsed. She was still alive, but it was hours until anyone found her and help arrived. She passed away at 5:30 that night. There's nothing we could've done for either of them, I'm sure, but it doesn't change the doubts and the blame.

I used to think that being depressed was something you couldn't control; that it really was some chemical imbalance in your brain, yada yada yada. The older I get, the more I have come to believe that, for the most part, our emotions and how we feel are in our control. This has come about especially with one person particularly in my life. They're unhappy and have been diagnosed as being bipolar. A lot of times, my view points toward this come off as heartless and bitchy, but I don't know how else to get through to someone who's been so stuck in their ways of just saying "I have this, it's my disability and I can't do things because of it" I think it's bull. I understand people go through unimaginable occurances in their lives. I completely understand that people have some extremely tough trials, but you don't have to let it keep you down. There's a difference between being upset while you're processing through something and then just continuing to let it keep you from moving forward and having a life. I want the best for this person. I want them to be happy and I really want them to shine and ACTUALLY smile. I want their good days to outnumber their bad ones by many. I want all these things, but I don't see it happening until they decide they're ready for it.

Coming with that, the same person firmly believes in God and wants to be a strong and faithful servant, but that's all they'll pray for. They need the strength to get through everything they are and have been in for a while and make it to brighter days, but they won't ask God for help with it. I completely don't understand this one. I mean, if you need strength, ask for it. If you need answers, ask for them. If you need help, ask for it. Their rebuttal was something along the lines of the fact that God knows what they need before they do, so what's the point. Well, sure, God ALWAYS knows what you need before you do, but sometimes he wants you to ask. He's not just going to be all "Ohhhhhh. I know you need strength, but you won't just ask me for it. Eh. Lemme give it to you anyways." I mean, I know that that's probably a bad example because God will never give you more than you can handle, but I think the gist is clear.
It's funny because in this, I think there's something for me. God's a comedian like that.

So. Next year... Well, James will be here permanently. While I'm thrilled about this, there's things that come with it that make me uneasy. Nothing about him that does, it's my own crap. Like the fact that we'll be living together before we're married. There's always a way around it, but not a logical one that's not going to be so ridiculous or offensive. I never pictured myself living with a guy before we were married. Ever. I know it's going to be okay, but I'm still all fujibitty about it. Aside from that, I'm very, very excited for everything with him and with Brittany.

The thought does occur to me, though, that in a way, I don't take God into account when I start making all my plans. Other than the one little hitch, things feel right, but I haven't asked Him what He thinks about it all. I'm hoping He's okay with it. I hope this is the right thing to do. All of it. Not just living with James, but the entire Oregon move.

I really do need to start talking to God more often. I need to start working things out with HIM rather than with human beings.

I feel pretty restless lately... Like I'm not living anywhere NEAR my potential. I've felt like this for a while, actually. I don't ever remember a time where I felt like I was living at full capacity with God. I've started transitioning a few times before, but always... gotten scared, I guess and stopped. I'm fully aware that I'm not doing what I should. There's that odd tug that's so familiar to me. Pulling me to do more, calling me towards things. I just need to listen. One of those things is getting connected with Brian and Michelle McMahon somehow and sharing in their new adventure at The Bluffs. Brian and Michelle just recently moved into a part of Everett that most people try to move away from. It's not the nicest and there's, for lack of better words right now, a lot of drugs and violence. They've moved there to follow after God and His plan for them. They're growing in community with their neighbors-- mostly kids so far-- and making new relationships. I don't know where I'd fit in to that, but I feel myself being pulled to it.

On a more shallow level, I took a shower a few hours ago and shaved my legs. I'd just like to say that freshly shaved legs feel incredible and I wish they could always feel like this! :D

BAH! I just remembered the name of that song earlier... Sick and Tired (Candle) by The White Tie Affair. I guess I could've just looked in my Zune because I have the album, but I didn't think about it. It was on the radio earlier and I was trying to tell Brittany which song it was when she asked after hearing my grumbles about it. I definitely do not like that song and wish it would just never play again. I do, however, think I'd rather listen to that song a thousand times over than listen to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. That song drives me nuts! UGH!

I think I should probably go to bed now. It's almost four in the morning and I actually had no intentions of writing tonight. I got off the phone with Brittany almost forty five minutes ago and was starting to close out all the programs when this sounded like a good idea. Now it's ridiculously late AGAIN and I might have to be up soon... I'm not sure if I'll go to church. Julie asked if I needed a ride, but I didn't get the message until two hours later and since my reply, I haven't heard back from her, so I'm thinking about just deleting the reply and sleeping in. How bad is that. I miss church, though, so I might not... This is all pending her actually seeing the response before she leaves for church in five hours. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Everything's magic

Life is so incredible. There's a song by Angels & Airwaves called Everything's Magic... I LOVE it and have recently become addicted to it. haha
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

The funny thing about songs is that they can mean a number of things. Songs are actually quite similar to the Bible in that they both can mean different things for different moments in life, for different people, for different circumstances.
That's the chorus of the song... It's my favorite part too. Some people would look at this and could interpret it as saying "the world's magical, look at everything the universe gives and does". Well, since I don't believe that the universe is it's own being, rather than a massive and wonderous creation, I look at it as "WOW, God is unbelievable" I mean, God is such magic. The stars, the sun, our breathing, our hearts... Fascinating, complex, BEAUTIFUL. I especially like the second half of the chorus "Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine." Life is such a ride. Everyone will say that no matter what they believe in. The part I like most about that is the last line... Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine. You could go a million ways with this thing. You could take it as someone talking to their friend. A lot of times, this song has a double meaning for me while I'm listening to it. It's an encouragement for friends to join me in this incredible journey, to look at life from different eyes, to see the beauty and wonder and life that's here. Whether those different eyes include a walk with God, I don't know. I would hope that at some point it would, but I don't believe in forcing people to do anything. The second way I see this is as God saying it. God telling you that it's the best present He could give you. A fast paced and unexpected journey. Sometimes life seems slow, but in retrospect, it's quick. We know that life can be amazing on the base level. A lot of people who don't believe in God live full and joyous lives, but taking His hand and enjoying it with Him is even better. GAH! It's just amazing to me. I'm blessed by this life and by my God.

There's more I could write about that because it's just never ending to talk about how awesome God is, but I think I'll stop there (:

Leader's meeting nights are definitely ones I look forward to and are, quite possibly, my favorite night of the month. I had one of the most real and honest conversations with God. I realized I need to have more of those, too, cause there aren't many of them that happen.

Let's see... Two things to talk about, both equally amazing; where to start. One's Brittany, the other is James.
We'll just start with Brittany because I can.
Soooooooooo through most of my talking about the song lyrics, I was thinking about those things in relation to my best friendship with her. On Friday, I ended up talking about her as well... It was during an exercise that Chris had us do. We listed off things that were priorities/ideals/values of ours just in life in general. One of my ideals/priorities in life is laughter; to laugh myself, to make people laugh. The second part was "Why is that important to you?" "Why is laughter important to me?" "Yeah." Well... It was hard to explain. I mean, you laugh because something's funny, but that doesn't mean it's important. You laugh because you like the feeling of being happy, but that's not the root of it. I laugh mostly with Brittany. Not because I don't find things funny with other people, quite frankly, it's easy to make me laugh, so I find things funny when I'm with most people. I spend the most time in relationship with Brittany... I spend the most time during the day talking to her and connecting with her in some form. A lot of the time, our laughter comes as a relief for her. When she's upset, crying, pissed off, down about anything, the best way to pull her out of that is to make her laugh. Which really isn't hard to do if you know her (: So I got to talk about her. It was fun, actually. I felt like I was bringing my outside world in and making it relevant to everything else. With the song lyrics, it's how I feel for her. That sounds strange... lol She hasn't been truly happy in almost ten years. I want her to see the beauty in life, to enjoy things and be able to sit still in a moment and feel happy and at peace. I feel like a lot of times, I have goals for what I can do to help a friend... That's mine with Brittany. To get her to be happy, to know a love unlike anything else, to be truly at peace.
James... My amazing boyfriend. It's funny because we all know humans aren't perfect and to use that word is fairly loaded and sometimes a negative, but he's perfect for me. How cheesy does that sound! haha I mean, really, though, he's my best friend who I just happen to be in love with. Which just happens to make it all more spectacular. He and I were talking the other day about things we want to do... I had asked him some random question about probably nothing in particular and the he asked if he could ask me something. lol His question? "Can we go into poor countries and help people out?" I thought I could die I was so happy. UHM, YEAH!? haha We can do that. My thing was we can do that and I want to start something here as well. My Love On the Line project (: My future has never looked more amazing. I cannot wait to LIVE. I mean, I'm living now and things are incredible RIGHT NOW, but the future is astonishingly exciting!

Love On the Line

Talk about God speaking... I was watching an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition early today about a single mother raising eight children. After she had the first child, her husband became physically and emotionally abusive. I've always had a huge heart for this kind of thing because it's somethig that I've seen affect a few close friends. She managed to escape and take her children with her to a shelter called House of Ruth. I start thinking about shelters and what I've heard of them... They're a place to be, and it's good to be able to escape, but they're not ideal. So, all the sudden, the idea occurs to me that I should open a house for battered women and children. Then I think about the fact that I KNOW there aren't enough homes for people who have escaped sex and human trafficking. It's one of the biggest problems in the solution to ending the trafficking; there's no where to really put the people since they've been separated from everything familiar. My mind starts running and I decide that I'm going to open one house up for each. Just to start out... One house for mom's and children who can make it out, one house for the courageous people who have come out of modern day slavery. Then I hear the words "love on the line" -- definitely not me-- followed by the thought that this should be a non-profit organization. Hello, God! I mean, if I had never heard You before in my entire life, I definitely did then.
Needless to say, that's something I want in my future. No, it's not easy to just sprout a foundation or build houses or fund and sponsor survivors... But EVERYTHING is possible with God. We know this. If He wants it to happen, you'd better believe that, in most cases, it will. If YOU are willing to listen and be faithful, He will follow through and work through you to get his plans done.
It makes me smile to think about doing this; to think about the lives that will be changed. I'm extremely excited. I realize it's not going to happen right now and that it's all in God's time, but this is something I hope never leaves my heart and I really do hope that I'm pushed on this no matter what kind of challenges it brings me.


"You were made for greatness". Words to inspire a lifetime. Thanks Raquel (:

Family first is a bunch of bull.

People wonder why when I start listing off the groups of people that are most important to me I always start with my friends... Why my family isn't number one. I live with my dad, but see my friends more. My mother has picked her boyfriend over me. Jon's an asshole who has torn me down my entire life and made me feel disgusting and completely crappy about myself. Jacob... Well, Jacob and I have gotten in the most physical fights between the three of us probably. He and I have kicked, punched, slapped, hit, choked and thrown each other down stairs. While it sounds the worst, Jacob and I are pretty chill. I love him to death. Don't get me wrong, I love Jon as well, but it's definitely not the same with him. Jon thinks he's better than everyone and acts like it. Jacob and I have more things in common and can actually sit there and talk. My family does not, typically, make me feel loved or cherished or important. I haven't done what they want me to, so there's nothing for them to be proud of me for. My parents don't know about my drinking last year... They don't know about the struggle I go through every Spring with my identity, my values and myself. They have no clue. The boys know some of it has happened, but that's it. I'm not close to my family. It's just frustrating. So, no. I don't put them first in my mind. I do hold my friends in higher regard than them. It happens.

My family makes me feel like crap. I think I already said that, but it's the truth.
So, right now I feel like shit. I made a joke with Brittany and our moods on Myspace are both "feelin sexyyy :D" Do I actually feel that way? No. Did I at the time? No. It was an inside joke and it was meant to be funny for the two of us. But Jon felt the need to message me and tell me how disgusting I am. Thanks, little brother.

Just can't let it go

You know, there's a reason why when you call I don't answer the phone. I mean, I don't just walk out, look to see who it is and then just not because it sounds like fun. I don't answer because I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you. Unfortunately, I know that this is inevitable as Jon and Travis' graduation is in two weeks. I know I'm going to have to go to the family dinner with you... Sit with you somewhere at the table and sit with you for two hours as we watch them in their final steps as high schoolers. I really wish I could go do all of this and just avoid you, but I know that'll be impossible. You'll want the hug, you'll want the talk. Maybe you'll tell me you miss seeing me. Maybe you'll ask me why I don't pick up the phone. Maybe you'll give me that look you always do every time I see you that says "I'm disappointed in you, I'm mad at you and I'm in the right" all in one. Quite frankly, I really don't care if you're disappointed in me because I guarantee I'm equally, if not more so, disappointed in you. I don't care if you're mad, sad or upset because I'd bet you a million dollars I'm all of that and more. You may think you're in the right, but, maybe minus a few things, you're wrong about most of it. You want to know why I don't pick up the phone, why I don't want to talk to you or see you? Because you're just a person to me. You're my mother. The woman who happened to give birth to me. You're not my mom, though, and you haven't been for years. I don't pick up because I don't want to hear it. Notice how angry I am through just this? Try imagining me talking about it and trying not to break in front of whoever it is. I was talking to my friend Julie about you and all your bullshit once a few months ago and she saw the anger ALL across my face. It actually startled her. You make me so pissed off and so hurt all at once. Part of me wants to scream and hit you, the other part just wants to break down. Typically, I don't do either. I've never hit you, I don't talk to you so I can't scream at you and I refuse to let you break me. Talk about bottling it up. How dare you just let go of all responsibility in your life for a fucking guy. How dare you turn on your children and start acting like you're twenty years old again. News flash, mother, you're going to be forty one this year. You haven't been able to act irresponsible without having to worry about the immediate after effect on other people in twenty years. Guess what. This time twenty years ago, you were pregnant with me. Yeah. I'm turning twenty this year. Interesting how things change over twenty years. Interesting how I used to want to be around you all the time and now I fight to stay away. I've been meaning to let all of this out... To write it for a while now. I just never got around to it until now. Why now? I don't know. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately... Especially pertaining to next year. James being here... Meeting my best friends, meeting my close friends, meeting church family and meeting blood family. I don't know if I want you to be one of those people. I'm sure he'd like to meet you, but I also know for a fact that if I said I didn't want him to at this point, he wouldn't push me on it or give it a second thought. Know why? Because he doesn't like his dad. If he doesn't want me to meet his dad, I won't push it. Do I want you at my wedding when I get married? I don't know. Do I want you to be in the room with me when I'm giving birth to my first child? Or my second? Or my third? Or fourth? Or however many? Do I want you in their lives? Will I be over this in ten years? Cause I'm telling you now, in ten years, I will be married and I will have some kids. You stopped being my mom almost three years ago. I moved out almost two ago. How many times have I seen you in two years? I probably can count them on my fingers and toes... If I can't, I'd bet it wasn't many more than twenty. Twenty times, give or take, in two years I've chosen to be around you. When you were taking my room down and I was pleading with you not to, do you remember what you said? "Do you know how hard it is for me to pass this room, see it every day and know that my child hates me?" First off, taking my things out of there doesn't change anything. The room is still there. The memory that that was my room is not going to go away. The fact that when you and I first found that house and did the walk through, it was together. That room still holds my memory. Taking things out won't help you. My things are mostly out of there last time I knew... As far as I know, the walls still remain. Quite frankly, you could strip everything out and leave just the walls and I'd be okay. Those walls are important to me. Then again, that hasn't mattered to you in a while. You gave away my dog... My baby. MY dog. You threatened it for three years, promised that when you finally did, you'd tell me so I could say good bye. Did you keep your promise? No. Secondly, do you know how hard it is to have your mother turn her back on you? I mean, do you REALLY know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to have your brother SLICE his fucking thumb open so severely you can see the bone, but when you call your MOTHER to come take him to the hospital because he really does need stitches, she doesn't answer because she's too wrapped up with her boyfriend to give a shit? Do you know what it's like to have your mother try and convince you that having sex with a few guys before you get married so you "know what you're doing" is the best way to go? Do you know what it's like to have your mother disrespect your values and just blatantly not care? Because I do. I know what it's like for you to just not give a shit. For you to pick your stupid boyfriend over your children. To sit there with my brother trying to get him to stop bleeding, to stop panicking long enough so I can get him to sit down so he doesn't throw up or pass out. I had to call Tammy and wake her up in the middle of the night. Guess what she said: "I'll be right over". Our AUNT came to us at midnight because our mother wasn't answering her phone because her boyfriend is obviously more important and my brother was bleeding. I do know what it's like for my mother to tell me, after I've repeated said time and time again that it's important to me to wait to have sex until I'm married; that I don't want to sleep with a few guys for the practice. I know what it's all like. So how dare you call and expect me to answer. You can call all you want to, because there won't be a day I'll pick up. Especially when you can't even leave a message. It really must not be that important if you can't do something as simple as that.

Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

So, it's decidedly James... I mean, not a lot could make much more sense than that. It's funny to think back. To think about all that's gone on in almost five and a half years. There've been other guys, there have been other girls, but none like him. I just saw the blog I wrote back in... March? either that or late February-- about my just writing to people and saying what I needed to. I was so utterly confused back then and, until a couple of weeks ago, it seemed like it'd be that way for a while. But God is so good and He answers EVERY question you ask.

It's easy to forget that especially it being the Spring season in my life. Especially when all of it gets pushed to the side and into the back of your mind... It's easy to not remember that. This Spring season seems to be different from the rest, though. I haven't walked as far away as I have previously. There have definitely been unique happenings this season compared to the others, but I'm slightly impressed. I do see the change, however. I notice the difference from the end of last year to now. The drive isn't there, the seeking isn't there, the connection on my end has lessened. I'm slowly trying to get that back. It's not going to take me until late July and early August to do it. There's no time like the present (:

When I think of my ideal future, when I have in the past few years at any point, I've wanted my boyfriend eventually fiance, eventually husband to be standing in church with me. I've wanted my kids to grow up in the church surround by a love they can't find anywhere else. It's funny because I've always known if it was James, I'd have that. I'm so excited for the future. So excited to have kids and raise them to know God from the moment they take their first breath. I don't want them to feel like any part of their lives was lesser because it was without Him.

Which reminds me of two things: the first being the initial questions Angela, Stephanie, Amy and the rest ask about whatever guy it is I'm telling them about. The second being the plan for the next year as I'd like it to play out (: You can believe there's going to be a lot of prayer to help hopefully get this to happen.

The check list... The first thing they ask me when I'm telling them about a guy beyond the "What's his name?" and all the generics are "Does he believe in God?" Happily, I can say yes. lol Which sounds silly, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited that last year when all of my mission trip hype started coming about, he was interested in them and said he'd like to do that. ((This is probably why when the girl that apparently likes him a whole bunch asked him to go to Africa with her for a mission trip, it bugged me. Not that I told him or said anything about it, butttttttttt it definitely did)) I LOVE that he's open to them and wants to go because quite frankly, I see that being a BIG part of my life in the future and since he's going to be part of it as well, it's good that he wants that.

I just realized I said excited a lot in this last paragraph... Apparently I need to pull out a thesaurus and start reading synonyms for freakin EXCITED!

Second part is the way my next year would happen if I could say so. First would be that I'd get this job at the summer camp. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to do it and I'm definitely going to be sad if it doesn't work out. I love that it's a Christian camp and there IS worship every single day. I'm sure there's a whole lot else that'll be centered around and focused on God, so it'd be amazing to be hanging with kids all day long while being completely surrounded by Him. The other would be that the rest of my dumb application for the DTS would get finished... I guess I'm the only one to blame for it not being completed yet, but I'm a little lost. I should probably ask my dad for help since he's pretty snazzy like that. The thing I'm most concerned about is the background check. Cause I don't really know how to go about getting that andddd it HAS to be in for my application to be considered complete and for them to either accept or reject me. The other thing I'm freaked about is the money, BUT, I know, if God wants you there, He'll figure it out. Cross your fingers and PRAY HARD. haha SO, summer camp job, LEAVING FOR AUSTRALIA in mid September... I guess it'd be closer to the end, so more like the twenty fifth or something along those lines. Although, maybe you're not allowed to be there two weeks early? That'll be one question to ask if I get accepted. OOOOOO. I just realized that if I get the summer camp job, the pay I'll get from that could buy my plane ticket. SNAZZY! bahahaha Apparently I like the word snazzy as well. I've used it twice so far. The DTS would get over at the very end of March or the beginning of April of 2010. The plan is for James to come over there, he and I will go explore for a little while by ourselves and then, like I said if all goes as I'd like it to, Kelly and Shaun will fly in and meet us somewhere in Australia. Maybe in Perth, maybe in Sydney, maybe in a different location... Shaun said he has an uncle that lives in Australia that he's never met before. I don't remember where he is off the top of my head, but if I saw it, I'd be able to say that's what it was. We'll hang out in Australia all together for a few days or a week depending. Then, we'll fly to California for maybe three or four days and go to flippin DISNEYLAND. None of us have been. My dad's been with my aunts, but they called it an "adult trip" and said kids weren't allowed. SOOOOOOOOOOO we didn't get to go. It'd be nice to go play around (: Then we'll fly to Las Vegas to go get Brittany and Melissa if she, at that point, decides she'd like to move as well. We'd road trip from Las Vegas back here to lovely Seattle and hang out for a few weeks cause this is where I live and where both Kelly and Shaun are from. Well, Kelly's from a few places, but before moving to Texas, she lived up here. James and Brittany at least will get to meet everyone, Kelly and Shaun will get to visit. Thennnnnnn, myself, Brittany and James are headed to Portland. Kelly has said she and Shaun will come as well so they can get us all moved in (: Cause, believe it or not, I'm moving to Portland whether any of the rest of this happens. Nicole's going to school at the Western Culinary Institute and the only location is in Orgeon. I'd like to move, Brittany wants to move, we're all best friends and we figured WHY NOT!? Oh jeez. I just realized! If we're going to be in Cali, this means we MUST see Kortney :D As if I couldn't be excited enough for the next three hundred and sixty five days! haha I don't know what James is doing after that, although my assumption would be he's not just going to want to leave me alone and be all "Imma go here" haha He has an entire year to figure it out, so I'm not too worried. The only thing I really need to worry about is where we'll be living... Rent a house? Rent an apartment? We shall see (: Myself, Brittany and Nicole have decided that we do want a dog or two. Which I'm looking forward to ((BAM! I found an alternative to excited! lmao)) After the rest of all of this and past much more than what I've said, it's up in the air and we shall see what happens!

Three hours after I posted the blog the from last night, you randomly decided to talk to me. "I'm sure you'll random decide to come back into my life soon" Yep. Apparently it was sooner than I thought. The weird thing was that I wasn't in a good mood and you just started talking to me and this weird calm feeling started to settle in. I've always felt amazingly comfortable telling you pretty much anything. In no certain way and meaning nothing in particular, I do think about you every day. I don't want you out of my life no matter where either of us ends up.

I'm cold kinda... Which is weird for me cause I'm rarely ever cold. I don't mind it as much as I mind being too hot, so I guess I'm fine.

Speaking of being hot, I don't know what it is, if it's anything, or what it means, if anything, but the palms of my hands get hot when I'm worshipping or doing something in line with God. I kinda want to ask someone about it, but I don't know who.

I'm not sending myself to you... I'm not coming to visit so you can see if there's something between us. It's not going to be a good thing for you and it's not going to do me any good either.

You wouldn't be able to stop me from going to Australia even if it wasn't for a mission trip and wasn't "God's work" as you said. I could be going for a month long vacation and I'd still probably pick it over you.

Thinking back now, could you feel the same? You gotta let me know. I'm dying inside to know

I think it's funny I felt the need to quote that song and that particular line. When it played through, I felt it connect with something, but I don't know why or who and what situation.

Paralyzed by the same old antics. Back and forth like some walking spastic.

This song is pretty snazzy (: I've missed it.

You are THE person holding me back from just letting go and telling James that he's the everything. I don't know what it is about you. Maybe it's just me being all attatched and not letting it go? I don't know... There's just some strange pull towards you and one very random attraction. I also don't think you want to even figure it out or try, so that's the other part to this. That's why it screws me up so much when you leave and come back... Not that I don't want you to.

Man eater, make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want all of her love

Yepppppp. That's my lovely nickname. Man eater. Gotta love it, I guess?

Sometimes to know who you are, you have to know who you're not.

I'm such a little theif. haha

What am I not?
I'm not a drug addict...
I'm not my mother.
Or my father.
I'm not a drunk.
Or a dependent.
I'm not the light of your world,
Or the answer to your life.
I'm not consistent.
I'm not who you want me to be.
I'm not your future step daughter,
Or your biggest fan.
I'm not a Christian.
I'm not patient.
I'm not organized...
I'm not you.


So who am I?
I mean, if I'm not those things, what does that make me?
I'm not my mother or my father or you,
But parts of me came from those places.
I'm not a drug addict,
But I recently decided getting high would be a good thing to try.
I'm not a drunk,
But I drink more than I want to.
Which means two nights in a row... For the first time in months and months and months.
I'm not a dependent,
But I need certain things and people in my life... Like chapstick and my best friends.
I'm not the light of your world or the answer to your life,
But you seem to want me as such and I'm not sure why... Your happiness won't come from me and could never.
I'm not consistent,
But I don't think it's always a bad thing.
I'm not who you want me to be...
Because I don't like who you want me to be. If I'm that person, my life becomes fake.
I'm not your future step daughter or your biggest fan,
Because I can't stand how you've rocked my life in the worst way.
I'm not a Christian,
Because I don't want those limitations... I don't want you telling me how I should have faith.
But I love God and I love Jesus.
I'm not patient,
Because I have some strange need for almost instant gratification.
I'm not organized by your standards,
But things make sense to me.
I'm not you.
And I don't want to be.




A week ago was Mother's Day... I didn't see you. Your boyfriend took you out of town. Told you you'd be back in time... When did you REALLY get back? Tuesday. Would you having been in town made a difference and made me see you? Probably not... So I guess it doesn't really matter where exactly you were. Just that the man who supposedly "loves" you and wants to "marry" you likes to lie to you, trick you and take you away from your children every chance he gets. Good catch, mom. You sure know how to pick 'em.

I'm pretty angry lately.
Pretty confused too.

You called me and I didn't pick up because I don't know why you decided that NOW was a great time to be in my life. You don't care, so I'm not sure why I should.

You got pissed off at me because I drank your fucking pop. POP. It costs a dollar and some freakin change and you BLEW UP on me over it. Which then lead to you telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I'm basically failing at life. Thanks. It felt great. I love being woken up after an hour of sleep to be told what a failure I am.

I'm impatient... You said something, I responded, now you're not talking. Insignificant, but it's bugging me right this second.

I'm liking my blue Smart Mass. It's keeping me entertained when I'm not typing and helping me to not do something else. What the else would be, I don't know. It's just stopping me.

I sound like I'm depressed. Which is stupid because I'm not. I also sound like a big complainer. Maybe because I actually am.

I hate how when I try to vent, it happens to be on the same subject that I normally just want to talk about and work through, so I never get to the end of it because I'm sure it's annoying... Which leaves me feeling just as confused about it as before.

One Voice to End Slavery... I bought the jacket when we had our rally back in March... Both my brothers have, in comment to the jacket, scoffed and said "What slavery?" then told me I'm ridiculous and tried making a joke out of it when I start trying to tell them.

This Spring season is no different than any other Spring season. Sorry, Amy, I lied. You asked me how it was going and I told you it was good. I haven't been to youth group in probably close to two months and I'm going to church about once or twice a month. I drank on Friday, drank and smoked on Saturday... I still feel disconnected like I do every year at this time. I'm probably bringing it on myself by thinking about it and expecting it, but it's happening like it always does.

I feel like a bitch for getting annoyed that you weren't responding. Your parents were arguing and I knew it, but I was just too peeved that you weren't saying anything.

You don't talk to me at all anymore and it pretty much sucks. I hate feeling dropped and I also hate how I'm sure you'll randomly come back into my life soon. If only you knew the waves it caused...

I can't believe you told me it's about time I married you... Again. I mean, we've had the whole "let's get married and be together forever" talk more times than I can count, but I just can't believe you said it. We haven't talked like that in almost a year. It definitely caught me off guard. I can still see that happening, but I don't want to rush in and start a life with you and just have it not work leaving both of us divorced. I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't want to have to try to find my one true love in the middle of my life. I want to find them while I'm young and before I try starting a family and living my life. I love you, though, whole heartedly. Chris said it's about finding the person you're willing to take the risk with. I think you're worth it, but I'm just way cautious.

Maybe I like you just a tad more than I let on, but I'm completely aware that nothing is going to come of anything with you. I was being sarcastic the other day and thought you would catch that, but apparently you didn't. I'm sorry you've gotten attatched and have some strange feelings towards me now.

I really like the sound of the rain outside. I liked it more earlier when it was first starting to drizzle and you could smell the fresh rain hitting the pavement.

I need to vacuum really bad. It's seven forty, though, and I have at least two hours, maybe two and a half, until my dad's home. So I'm putting it off. Did I mention I'm a huge procrastinator?

Speaking of procrastination... I really need to get my Australia application finished and turned in. My dad needs to stop thinking that I just think things sound nice and that I'm not serious about doing this.

Speaking of Australia, yes, I'd pick it over you. I'd pick going on my mission trip to Australia over most things and people. It's THAT important to me. There's another reason we'd never work out... You don't seem to understand that.

TASHA MCCOY! I miss you so dearly. Just thought I'd throw that out there... I miss our random hour conversations that are completely about us figuring things out and working through whatever. I love that you're in my life. I love that it's been a year and... Three months? since we met and I feel like I've known you most of my life.

There's a Spice Girls remix playing on my radio right now... If I wasn't in such an odd mood, this would make me laugh.

I've lost like twenty pounds or so in the past few weeks from the sheer lack of eating. I haven't really been THAT hungry and there hasn't been much more than cup o noodle in my house to eat.

I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, I just wanna shake my butt ::clap clap clap clap::

Yes, that just happened.

My cousin deals weed. It's interesting.

I really miss Kelly. I haven't talked to her in at least a month and it really sucks.

Bertha won't tell me why he's not happy. Well, he's just not texting me back in general. Which is annoying. Which is also funny because I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in anyone's life and I definitely don't think people should act as such.

Bertha's a dude, to clarify. His real name is Nick. How he got Bertha is another story...

God hangs out in the back of my mind. I'd like to move forward and continue to grow, but I stop. Somehow I'm still uncomfortable with stepping out of my box. Go figure.

My potty mouth is fully back. It kinda disgusts me...

I think the whole world should play The Sandwich Game with me. It'd be hilarious.

People have been commenting on my laugh and my voice a lot lately... Not in a bad way, they like it. I just think it's weird and I don't really get why they like either. I'm flattered, though. I'm glad hearing me doesn't gross you out :D

BERTHA TEXT BACK.

I've had a few truth box comments from last month saying how I calm them down and I'm calming to be around and I'm soothing and intoxicating. That's even more strange than the laugh/voice thing because I'm one of the most hyped up and loud people you'll probably ever encounter. To be calming to someone is just strange to me.

I still need to talk to Ben Dixon... Megan Forbes had mentioned the gift of prophecy to me at the One Voice rally and said I should talk to him about it and see where things lead. Not sure what to think of it or what it means.

I accidentally typed 'tit' while I was writing 'it' and laughed a little inside. This is how ridiculous I am.

Speaking of the One Voice rally, I met a girl that night who told me I was made for greatness. Pretty freakin intense if you ask me.

Not gonna lie, bouncing off that statement and thought, I feel pretty lame for the way my life is going now. I'm not doing anything I'm capable of or should be doing and I feel a little useless.

Recently, the thought that I miss my mother has been in my head a lot. I'm sure I do miss her, I just won't admit it and I won't do anything about it. In all honesty, I don't want to care about her, I don't want to miss her, I don't want to talk about her, think about her, talk to her or be in her life. I want her as far away as possible until she can grow up.