That title actually has nothing to do with anything... Well, it does in general, but it does not apply to anything I'm thinking about or have been thinking about.
I just got off the phone with Brittany. She and I ended it crying. Technically we ended it with laughter because of our "random emo tears", but we were crying for the last few minutes. We were talking about people we've lost-- two in particular; her grandma, Roxy and my dad's godmother, Korlene-- and how the thought of losing our parents scares us. We both don't have great relationships with our moms for whatever reason, but both of us would be equally shattered if we lost them. Same goes for our dads. With Roxy and Korlene, the circumstances surrounding their passing away made us question if we could've done something to change it. The knowledge that we couldn't have, shouldn't have and weren't supposed to is firm in our minds, but you can't help but think "What if I was there? Would she still be here?" With Roxy, she was staying at their house... She wanted to go to sleep, but everyone else was playing games together in the living room where she was supposed to be camped out. She decided to just go home to sleep. That night she passed away. Korlene had been getting weaker and weaker as the months passed last year. One night in October, my dad asked me to go stay with her. For whatever reason when he came home, he didn't do so to take me to her house. I didn't go there that night... The next morning, she collapsed. She was still alive, but it was hours until anyone found her and help arrived. She passed away at 5:30 that night. There's nothing we could've done for either of them, I'm sure, but it doesn't change the doubts and the blame.
I used to think that being depressed was something you couldn't control; that it really was some chemical imbalance in your brain, yada yada yada. The older I get, the more I have come to believe that, for the most part, our emotions and how we feel are in our control. This has come about especially with one person particularly in my life. They're unhappy and have been diagnosed as being bipolar. A lot of times, my view points toward this come off as heartless and bitchy, but I don't know how else to get through to someone who's been so stuck in their ways of just saying "I have this, it's my disability and I can't do things because of it" I think it's bull. I understand people go through unimaginable occurances in their lives. I completely understand that people have some extremely tough trials, but you don't have to let it keep you down. There's a difference between being upset while you're processing through something and then just continuing to let it keep you from moving forward and having a life. I want the best for this person. I want them to be happy and I really want them to shine and ACTUALLY smile. I want their good days to outnumber their bad ones by many. I want all these things, but I don't see it happening until they decide they're ready for it.
Coming with that, the same person firmly believes in God and wants to be a strong and faithful servant, but that's all they'll pray for. They need the strength to get through everything they are and have been in for a while and make it to brighter days, but they won't ask God for help with it. I completely don't understand this one. I mean, if you need strength, ask for it. If you need answers, ask for them. If you need help, ask for it. Their rebuttal was something along the lines of the fact that God knows what they need before they do, so what's the point. Well, sure, God ALWAYS knows what you need before you do, but sometimes he wants you to ask. He's not just going to be all "Ohhhhhh. I know you need strength, but you won't just ask me for it. Eh. Lemme give it to you anyways." I mean, I know that that's probably a bad example because God will never give you more than you can handle, but I think the gist is clear.
It's funny because in this, I think there's something for me. God's a comedian like that.
So. Next year... Well, James will be here permanently. While I'm thrilled about this, there's things that come with it that make me uneasy. Nothing about him that does, it's my own crap. Like the fact that we'll be living together before we're married. There's always a way around it, but not a logical one that's not going to be so ridiculous or offensive. I never pictured myself living with a guy before we were married. Ever. I know it's going to be okay, but I'm still all fujibitty about it. Aside from that, I'm very, very excited for everything with him and with Brittany.
The thought does occur to me, though, that in a way, I don't take God into account when I start making all my plans. Other than the one little hitch, things feel right, but I haven't asked Him what He thinks about it all. I'm hoping He's okay with it. I hope this is the right thing to do. All of it. Not just living with James, but the entire Oregon move.
I really do need to start talking to God more often. I need to start working things out with HIM rather than with human beings.
I feel pretty restless lately... Like I'm not living anywhere NEAR my potential. I've felt like this for a while, actually. I don't ever remember a time where I felt like I was living at full capacity with God. I've started transitioning a few times before, but always... gotten scared, I guess and stopped. I'm fully aware that I'm not doing what I should. There's that odd tug that's so familiar to me. Pulling me to do more, calling me towards things. I just need to listen. One of those things is getting connected with Brian and Michelle McMahon somehow and sharing in their new adventure at The Bluffs. Brian and Michelle just recently moved into a part of Everett that most people try to move away from. It's not the nicest and there's, for lack of better words right now, a lot of drugs and violence. They've moved there to follow after God and His plan for them. They're growing in community with their neighbors-- mostly kids so far-- and making new relationships. I don't know where I'd fit in to that, but I feel myself being pulled to it.
On a more shallow level, I took a shower a few hours ago and shaved my legs. I'd just like to say that freshly shaved legs feel incredible and I wish they could always feel like this! :D
BAH! I just remembered the name of that song earlier... Sick and Tired (Candle) by The White Tie Affair. I guess I could've just looked in my Zune because I have the album, but I didn't think about it. It was on the radio earlier and I was trying to tell Brittany which song it was when she asked after hearing my grumbles about it. I definitely do not like that song and wish it would just never play again. I do, however, think I'd rather listen to that song a thousand times over than listen to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. That song drives me nuts! UGH!
I think I should probably go to bed now. It's almost four in the morning and I actually had no intentions of writing tonight. I got off the phone with Brittany almost forty five minutes ago and was starting to close out all the programs when this sounded like a good idea. Now it's ridiculously late AGAIN and I might have to be up soon... I'm not sure if I'll go to church. Julie asked if I needed a ride, but I didn't get the message until two hours later and since my reply, I haven't heard back from her, so I'm thinking about just deleting the reply and sleeping in. How bad is that. I miss church, though, so I might not... This is all pending her actually seeing the response before she leaves for church in five hours. Hmm, hmm, hmm.
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