He's the answer to my silence, he's my sound

It's interesting what you'll hear from God when you just listen... I think so often, especially for myself, I expect answers to my questions always even when I don't ask them. I guess in my mind, I just figure that God knows every thought I have, so why actually ask? But really, if you could read minds, you wouldn't sit there answering questions for everyone just because they thought them. Not to be a Twilight freak, but it's kind of like with Edward. He can hear the thoughts of the people around him and unless asked or "spoken" to directly, he doesn't just respond to people's thoughts. So I imagine it's the same way for God... While he can hear everything in our heads, if we don't ask directly, he probably won't just answer unless we need it. Horrible that I just compared a fictional vampire to my amazing Father, but it just goes to show where we are in culture (: All this to say He and I dialogued last night and He calmed my nerves about some things. Well, one thing in particular: James. While I love James more than I'm positive I've loved any other human being, sometimes my brain can't wrap itself around the concept that he fits into my life perfectly and is supposed to be there. Often when you follow God, you hear about laying down your life, giving everything over to God and letting His will be done and not our own. I guess at some point for me, that translated into the possibility that I'd have to give up one for the other. While I've wrestled with this for a while, it wasn't until last night that I really asked the questions and got my answers. I'd just like to stop for a second and say how faithful God is to answer questions when we ask. He always has an answer for us and is willing to give it if we are willing to hear it. Sunday night Phil invited the interns to his and Emily's house to worship and wrestle with our questions and struggles together. As Dave started playing songs and as Phil was speaking beforehand, it was apparent to me what God wanted to talk about, what He wanted me to ask questions about. So I did. Phil gave us pen and paper and said to write. I didn't keep it, so I can't say exactly what I wrote, but I went through a wrestling process with God. I asked questions. I asked whether or not this was right because some sick and twisted part of me felt like maybe it possibly wasn't. The thought of that was gut wrenching... I talked to Him about a you vs them situation with the two of them. Whether or not I had to choose. Would I be called to leave everything and everyone including James? Would God do that? Then the questions turned to my priorities... Were they in the wrong place? If God was ripped out of my life, would it hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the thought of James being gone? Would I be the same person? Could I exist on some level of contentment? The very basic answer to almost all of these questions was, and is, 'no'. After I had struggled with the first few, God just said "Look at Phil and Emily. Look at Syrina and Evan." Essentially His question to me was whether or not, knowing what they mean to the other, would they succeed apart from each other? Would He ever dream of doing that? Once again, the answer was 'no'. He wouldn't separate them... He wouldn't have created specifically the one for the other just to call them away from each other. He's not sadistic and that's not how He works. When it came to the questions about my separation from God, I already knew the answers... Removing God from me would take away the very heart of my life. I struggle and fail a lot at centering my life around Him at all times like I should and sometimes I don't say what I should say or do what I should do, but He's at the core of who I am and the things I want. Taking Him out would remove a lot more from my life than just Himself. So, no, I wouldn't be the same person and I really couldn't live on some level of contentment with that kind of hole in my chest. The answer to end all questions for the night was this: "It's not about a choice". He's not asking me to choose. He never has in this situation and He never will. One for the other, both for Him. Does that mean I won't ask it again? Probably not... I'm sure that sick and twisted part of me will rear its head again and doubt things that have the most simple of answers and if and when I do, He'll tell me the same thing: it's not about a choice.