Just can't let it go

You know, there's a reason why when you call I don't answer the phone. I mean, I don't just walk out, look to see who it is and then just not because it sounds like fun. I don't answer because I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you. Unfortunately, I know that this is inevitable as Jon and Travis' graduation is in two weeks. I know I'm going to have to go to the family dinner with you... Sit with you somewhere at the table and sit with you for two hours as we watch them in their final steps as high schoolers. I really wish I could go do all of this and just avoid you, but I know that'll be impossible. You'll want the hug, you'll want the talk. Maybe you'll tell me you miss seeing me. Maybe you'll ask me why I don't pick up the phone. Maybe you'll give me that look you always do every time I see you that says "I'm disappointed in you, I'm mad at you and I'm in the right" all in one. Quite frankly, I really don't care if you're disappointed in me because I guarantee I'm equally, if not more so, disappointed in you. I don't care if you're mad, sad or upset because I'd bet you a million dollars I'm all of that and more. You may think you're in the right, but, maybe minus a few things, you're wrong about most of it. You want to know why I don't pick up the phone, why I don't want to talk to you or see you? Because you're just a person to me. You're my mother. The woman who happened to give birth to me. You're not my mom, though, and you haven't been for years. I don't pick up because I don't want to hear it. Notice how angry I am through just this? Try imagining me talking about it and trying not to break in front of whoever it is. I was talking to my friend Julie about you and all your bullshit once a few months ago and she saw the anger ALL across my face. It actually startled her. You make me so pissed off and so hurt all at once. Part of me wants to scream and hit you, the other part just wants to break down. Typically, I don't do either. I've never hit you, I don't talk to you so I can't scream at you and I refuse to let you break me. Talk about bottling it up. How dare you just let go of all responsibility in your life for a fucking guy. How dare you turn on your children and start acting like you're twenty years old again. News flash, mother, you're going to be forty one this year. You haven't been able to act irresponsible without having to worry about the immediate after effect on other people in twenty years. Guess what. This time twenty years ago, you were pregnant with me. Yeah. I'm turning twenty this year. Interesting how things change over twenty years. Interesting how I used to want to be around you all the time and now I fight to stay away. I've been meaning to let all of this out... To write it for a while now. I just never got around to it until now. Why now? I don't know. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately... Especially pertaining to next year. James being here... Meeting my best friends, meeting my close friends, meeting church family and meeting blood family. I don't know if I want you to be one of those people. I'm sure he'd like to meet you, but I also know for a fact that if I said I didn't want him to at this point, he wouldn't push me on it or give it a second thought. Know why? Because he doesn't like his dad. If he doesn't want me to meet his dad, I won't push it. Do I want you at my wedding when I get married? I don't know. Do I want you to be in the room with me when I'm giving birth to my first child? Or my second? Or my third? Or fourth? Or however many? Do I want you in their lives? Will I be over this in ten years? Cause I'm telling you now, in ten years, I will be married and I will have some kids. You stopped being my mom almost three years ago. I moved out almost two ago. How many times have I seen you in two years? I probably can count them on my fingers and toes... If I can't, I'd bet it wasn't many more than twenty. Twenty times, give or take, in two years I've chosen to be around you. When you were taking my room down and I was pleading with you not to, do you remember what you said? "Do you know how hard it is for me to pass this room, see it every day and know that my child hates me?" First off, taking my things out of there doesn't change anything. The room is still there. The memory that that was my room is not going to go away. The fact that when you and I first found that house and did the walk through, it was together. That room still holds my memory. Taking things out won't help you. My things are mostly out of there last time I knew... As far as I know, the walls still remain. Quite frankly, you could strip everything out and leave just the walls and I'd be okay. Those walls are important to me. Then again, that hasn't mattered to you in a while. You gave away my dog... My baby. MY dog. You threatened it for three years, promised that when you finally did, you'd tell me so I could say good bye. Did you keep your promise? No. Secondly, do you know how hard it is to have your mother turn her back on you? I mean, do you REALLY know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to have your brother SLICE his fucking thumb open so severely you can see the bone, but when you call your MOTHER to come take him to the hospital because he really does need stitches, she doesn't answer because she's too wrapped up with her boyfriend to give a shit? Do you know what it's like to have your mother try and convince you that having sex with a few guys before you get married so you "know what you're doing" is the best way to go? Do you know what it's like to have your mother disrespect your values and just blatantly not care? Because I do. I know what it's like for you to just not give a shit. For you to pick your stupid boyfriend over your children. To sit there with my brother trying to get him to stop bleeding, to stop panicking long enough so I can get him to sit down so he doesn't throw up or pass out. I had to call Tammy and wake her up in the middle of the night. Guess what she said: "I'll be right over". Our AUNT came to us at midnight because our mother wasn't answering her phone because her boyfriend is obviously more important and my brother was bleeding. I do know what it's like for my mother to tell me, after I've repeated said time and time again that it's important to me to wait to have sex until I'm married; that I don't want to sleep with a few guys for the practice. I know what it's all like. So how dare you call and expect me to answer. You can call all you want to, because there won't be a day I'll pick up. Especially when you can't even leave a message. It really must not be that important if you can't do something as simple as that.

Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

So, it's decidedly James... I mean, not a lot could make much more sense than that. It's funny to think back. To think about all that's gone on in almost five and a half years. There've been other guys, there have been other girls, but none like him. I just saw the blog I wrote back in... March? either that or late February-- about my just writing to people and saying what I needed to. I was so utterly confused back then and, until a couple of weeks ago, it seemed like it'd be that way for a while. But God is so good and He answers EVERY question you ask.

It's easy to forget that especially it being the Spring season in my life. Especially when all of it gets pushed to the side and into the back of your mind... It's easy to not remember that. This Spring season seems to be different from the rest, though. I haven't walked as far away as I have previously. There have definitely been unique happenings this season compared to the others, but I'm slightly impressed. I do see the change, however. I notice the difference from the end of last year to now. The drive isn't there, the seeking isn't there, the connection on my end has lessened. I'm slowly trying to get that back. It's not going to take me until late July and early August to do it. There's no time like the present (:

When I think of my ideal future, when I have in the past few years at any point, I've wanted my boyfriend eventually fiance, eventually husband to be standing in church with me. I've wanted my kids to grow up in the church surround by a love they can't find anywhere else. It's funny because I've always known if it was James, I'd have that. I'm so excited for the future. So excited to have kids and raise them to know God from the moment they take their first breath. I don't want them to feel like any part of their lives was lesser because it was without Him.

Which reminds me of two things: the first being the initial questions Angela, Stephanie, Amy and the rest ask about whatever guy it is I'm telling them about. The second being the plan for the next year as I'd like it to play out (: You can believe there's going to be a lot of prayer to help hopefully get this to happen.

The check list... The first thing they ask me when I'm telling them about a guy beyond the "What's his name?" and all the generics are "Does he believe in God?" Happily, I can say yes. lol Which sounds silly, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited that last year when all of my mission trip hype started coming about, he was interested in them and said he'd like to do that. ((This is probably why when the girl that apparently likes him a whole bunch asked him to go to Africa with her for a mission trip, it bugged me. Not that I told him or said anything about it, butttttttttt it definitely did)) I LOVE that he's open to them and wants to go because quite frankly, I see that being a BIG part of my life in the future and since he's going to be part of it as well, it's good that he wants that.

I just realized I said excited a lot in this last paragraph... Apparently I need to pull out a thesaurus and start reading synonyms for freakin EXCITED!

Second part is the way my next year would happen if I could say so. First would be that I'd get this job at the summer camp. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to do it and I'm definitely going to be sad if it doesn't work out. I love that it's a Christian camp and there IS worship every single day. I'm sure there's a whole lot else that'll be centered around and focused on God, so it'd be amazing to be hanging with kids all day long while being completely surrounded by Him. The other would be that the rest of my dumb application for the DTS would get finished... I guess I'm the only one to blame for it not being completed yet, but I'm a little lost. I should probably ask my dad for help since he's pretty snazzy like that. The thing I'm most concerned about is the background check. Cause I don't really know how to go about getting that andddd it HAS to be in for my application to be considered complete and for them to either accept or reject me. The other thing I'm freaked about is the money, BUT, I know, if God wants you there, He'll figure it out. Cross your fingers and PRAY HARD. haha SO, summer camp job, LEAVING FOR AUSTRALIA in mid September... I guess it'd be closer to the end, so more like the twenty fifth or something along those lines. Although, maybe you're not allowed to be there two weeks early? That'll be one question to ask if I get accepted. OOOOOO. I just realized that if I get the summer camp job, the pay I'll get from that could buy my plane ticket. SNAZZY! bahahaha Apparently I like the word snazzy as well. I've used it twice so far. The DTS would get over at the very end of March or the beginning of April of 2010. The plan is for James to come over there, he and I will go explore for a little while by ourselves and then, like I said if all goes as I'd like it to, Kelly and Shaun will fly in and meet us somewhere in Australia. Maybe in Perth, maybe in Sydney, maybe in a different location... Shaun said he has an uncle that lives in Australia that he's never met before. I don't remember where he is off the top of my head, but if I saw it, I'd be able to say that's what it was. We'll hang out in Australia all together for a few days or a week depending. Then, we'll fly to California for maybe three or four days and go to flippin DISNEYLAND. None of us have been. My dad's been with my aunts, but they called it an "adult trip" and said kids weren't allowed. SOOOOOOOOOOO we didn't get to go. It'd be nice to go play around (: Then we'll fly to Las Vegas to go get Brittany and Melissa if she, at that point, decides she'd like to move as well. We'd road trip from Las Vegas back here to lovely Seattle and hang out for a few weeks cause this is where I live and where both Kelly and Shaun are from. Well, Kelly's from a few places, but before moving to Texas, she lived up here. James and Brittany at least will get to meet everyone, Kelly and Shaun will get to visit. Thennnnnnn, myself, Brittany and James are headed to Portland. Kelly has said she and Shaun will come as well so they can get us all moved in (: Cause, believe it or not, I'm moving to Portland whether any of the rest of this happens. Nicole's going to school at the Western Culinary Institute and the only location is in Orgeon. I'd like to move, Brittany wants to move, we're all best friends and we figured WHY NOT!? Oh jeez. I just realized! If we're going to be in Cali, this means we MUST see Kortney :D As if I couldn't be excited enough for the next three hundred and sixty five days! haha I don't know what James is doing after that, although my assumption would be he's not just going to want to leave me alone and be all "Imma go here" haha He has an entire year to figure it out, so I'm not too worried. The only thing I really need to worry about is where we'll be living... Rent a house? Rent an apartment? We shall see (: Myself, Brittany and Nicole have decided that we do want a dog or two. Which I'm looking forward to ((BAM! I found an alternative to excited! lmao)) After the rest of all of this and past much more than what I've said, it's up in the air and we shall see what happens!

Three hours after I posted the blog the from last night, you randomly decided to talk to me. "I'm sure you'll random decide to come back into my life soon" Yep. Apparently it was sooner than I thought. The weird thing was that I wasn't in a good mood and you just started talking to me and this weird calm feeling started to settle in. I've always felt amazingly comfortable telling you pretty much anything. In no certain way and meaning nothing in particular, I do think about you every day. I don't want you out of my life no matter where either of us ends up.

I'm cold kinda... Which is weird for me cause I'm rarely ever cold. I don't mind it as much as I mind being too hot, so I guess I'm fine.

Speaking of being hot, I don't know what it is, if it's anything, or what it means, if anything, but the palms of my hands get hot when I'm worshipping or doing something in line with God. I kinda want to ask someone about it, but I don't know who.

I'm not sending myself to you... I'm not coming to visit so you can see if there's something between us. It's not going to be a good thing for you and it's not going to do me any good either.

You wouldn't be able to stop me from going to Australia even if it wasn't for a mission trip and wasn't "God's work" as you said. I could be going for a month long vacation and I'd still probably pick it over you.

Thinking back now, could you feel the same? You gotta let me know. I'm dying inside to know

I think it's funny I felt the need to quote that song and that particular line. When it played through, I felt it connect with something, but I don't know why or who and what situation.

Paralyzed by the same old antics. Back and forth like some walking spastic.

This song is pretty snazzy (: I've missed it.

You are THE person holding me back from just letting go and telling James that he's the everything. I don't know what it is about you. Maybe it's just me being all attatched and not letting it go? I don't know... There's just some strange pull towards you and one very random attraction. I also don't think you want to even figure it out or try, so that's the other part to this. That's why it screws me up so much when you leave and come back... Not that I don't want you to.

Man eater, make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want all of her love

Yepppppp. That's my lovely nickname. Man eater. Gotta love it, I guess?

Sometimes to know who you are, you have to know who you're not.

I'm such a little theif. haha

What am I not?
I'm not a drug addict...
I'm not my mother.
Or my father.
I'm not a drunk.
Or a dependent.
I'm not the light of your world,
Or the answer to your life.
I'm not consistent.
I'm not who you want me to be.
I'm not your future step daughter,
Or your biggest fan.
I'm not a Christian.
I'm not patient.
I'm not organized...
I'm not you.


So who am I?
I mean, if I'm not those things, what does that make me?
I'm not my mother or my father or you,
But parts of me came from those places.
I'm not a drug addict,
But I recently decided getting high would be a good thing to try.
I'm not a drunk,
But I drink more than I want to.
Which means two nights in a row... For the first time in months and months and months.
I'm not a dependent,
But I need certain things and people in my life... Like chapstick and my best friends.
I'm not the light of your world or the answer to your life,
But you seem to want me as such and I'm not sure why... Your happiness won't come from me and could never.
I'm not consistent,
But I don't think it's always a bad thing.
I'm not who you want me to be...
Because I don't like who you want me to be. If I'm that person, my life becomes fake.
I'm not your future step daughter or your biggest fan,
Because I can't stand how you've rocked my life in the worst way.
I'm not a Christian,
Because I don't want those limitations... I don't want you telling me how I should have faith.
But I love God and I love Jesus.
I'm not patient,
Because I have some strange need for almost instant gratification.
I'm not organized by your standards,
But things make sense to me.
I'm not you.
And I don't want to be.




A week ago was Mother's Day... I didn't see you. Your boyfriend took you out of town. Told you you'd be back in time... When did you REALLY get back? Tuesday. Would you having been in town made a difference and made me see you? Probably not... So I guess it doesn't really matter where exactly you were. Just that the man who supposedly "loves" you and wants to "marry" you likes to lie to you, trick you and take you away from your children every chance he gets. Good catch, mom. You sure know how to pick 'em.

I'm pretty angry lately.
Pretty confused too.

You called me and I didn't pick up because I don't know why you decided that NOW was a great time to be in my life. You don't care, so I'm not sure why I should.

You got pissed off at me because I drank your fucking pop. POP. It costs a dollar and some freakin change and you BLEW UP on me over it. Which then lead to you telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I'm basically failing at life. Thanks. It felt great. I love being woken up after an hour of sleep to be told what a failure I am.

I'm impatient... You said something, I responded, now you're not talking. Insignificant, but it's bugging me right this second.

I'm liking my blue Smart Mass. It's keeping me entertained when I'm not typing and helping me to not do something else. What the else would be, I don't know. It's just stopping me.

I sound like I'm depressed. Which is stupid because I'm not. I also sound like a big complainer. Maybe because I actually am.

I hate how when I try to vent, it happens to be on the same subject that I normally just want to talk about and work through, so I never get to the end of it because I'm sure it's annoying... Which leaves me feeling just as confused about it as before.

One Voice to End Slavery... I bought the jacket when we had our rally back in March... Both my brothers have, in comment to the jacket, scoffed and said "What slavery?" then told me I'm ridiculous and tried making a joke out of it when I start trying to tell them.

This Spring season is no different than any other Spring season. Sorry, Amy, I lied. You asked me how it was going and I told you it was good. I haven't been to youth group in probably close to two months and I'm going to church about once or twice a month. I drank on Friday, drank and smoked on Saturday... I still feel disconnected like I do every year at this time. I'm probably bringing it on myself by thinking about it and expecting it, but it's happening like it always does.

I feel like a bitch for getting annoyed that you weren't responding. Your parents were arguing and I knew it, but I was just too peeved that you weren't saying anything.

You don't talk to me at all anymore and it pretty much sucks. I hate feeling dropped and I also hate how I'm sure you'll randomly come back into my life soon. If only you knew the waves it caused...

I can't believe you told me it's about time I married you... Again. I mean, we've had the whole "let's get married and be together forever" talk more times than I can count, but I just can't believe you said it. We haven't talked like that in almost a year. It definitely caught me off guard. I can still see that happening, but I don't want to rush in and start a life with you and just have it not work leaving both of us divorced. I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't want to have to try to find my one true love in the middle of my life. I want to find them while I'm young and before I try starting a family and living my life. I love you, though, whole heartedly. Chris said it's about finding the person you're willing to take the risk with. I think you're worth it, but I'm just way cautious.

Maybe I like you just a tad more than I let on, but I'm completely aware that nothing is going to come of anything with you. I was being sarcastic the other day and thought you would catch that, but apparently you didn't. I'm sorry you've gotten attatched and have some strange feelings towards me now.

I really like the sound of the rain outside. I liked it more earlier when it was first starting to drizzle and you could smell the fresh rain hitting the pavement.

I need to vacuum really bad. It's seven forty, though, and I have at least two hours, maybe two and a half, until my dad's home. So I'm putting it off. Did I mention I'm a huge procrastinator?

Speaking of procrastination... I really need to get my Australia application finished and turned in. My dad needs to stop thinking that I just think things sound nice and that I'm not serious about doing this.

Speaking of Australia, yes, I'd pick it over you. I'd pick going on my mission trip to Australia over most things and people. It's THAT important to me. There's another reason we'd never work out... You don't seem to understand that.

TASHA MCCOY! I miss you so dearly. Just thought I'd throw that out there... I miss our random hour conversations that are completely about us figuring things out and working through whatever. I love that you're in my life. I love that it's been a year and... Three months? since we met and I feel like I've known you most of my life.

There's a Spice Girls remix playing on my radio right now... If I wasn't in such an odd mood, this would make me laugh.

I've lost like twenty pounds or so in the past few weeks from the sheer lack of eating. I haven't really been THAT hungry and there hasn't been much more than cup o noodle in my house to eat.

I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, I just wanna shake my butt ::clap clap clap clap::

Yes, that just happened.

My cousin deals weed. It's interesting.

I really miss Kelly. I haven't talked to her in at least a month and it really sucks.

Bertha won't tell me why he's not happy. Well, he's just not texting me back in general. Which is annoying. Which is also funny because I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in anyone's life and I definitely don't think people should act as such.

Bertha's a dude, to clarify. His real name is Nick. How he got Bertha is another story...

God hangs out in the back of my mind. I'd like to move forward and continue to grow, but I stop. Somehow I'm still uncomfortable with stepping out of my box. Go figure.

My potty mouth is fully back. It kinda disgusts me...

I think the whole world should play The Sandwich Game with me. It'd be hilarious.

People have been commenting on my laugh and my voice a lot lately... Not in a bad way, they like it. I just think it's weird and I don't really get why they like either. I'm flattered, though. I'm glad hearing me doesn't gross you out :D

BERTHA TEXT BACK.

I've had a few truth box comments from last month saying how I calm them down and I'm calming to be around and I'm soothing and intoxicating. That's even more strange than the laugh/voice thing because I'm one of the most hyped up and loud people you'll probably ever encounter. To be calming to someone is just strange to me.

I still need to talk to Ben Dixon... Megan Forbes had mentioned the gift of prophecy to me at the One Voice rally and said I should talk to him about it and see where things lead. Not sure what to think of it or what it means.

I accidentally typed 'tit' while I was writing 'it' and laughed a little inside. This is how ridiculous I am.

Speaking of the One Voice rally, I met a girl that night who told me I was made for greatness. Pretty freakin intense if you ask me.

Not gonna lie, bouncing off that statement and thought, I feel pretty lame for the way my life is going now. I'm not doing anything I'm capable of or should be doing and I feel a little useless.

Recently, the thought that I miss my mother has been in my head a lot. I'm sure I do miss her, I just won't admit it and I won't do anything about it. In all honesty, I don't want to care about her, I don't want to miss her, I don't want to talk about her, think about her, talk to her or be in her life. I want her as far away as possible until she can grow up.