Sunday, July 26, 2009

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast

Yep. I'm seriously listening to that song right now. I have fifteen Disney songs on my Zune and I'm playing them on shuffle because Disney is amazing :D

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I'm not sure if I want to give up on Australia for this year or if I really do want to save it. I don't know if now is the time to go or not. All I do know is that when Amy left me that comment saying that her scanner was waiting for me to use, I felt this little tear in my heart. I was a little sad from last week's decision to hold off on going on that mcDTS. I guess what I'm wondering is is this trip something I'm supposed to do with someone else? Or should I do it alone? That's always been one of the things that excited me about a DTS-- not knowing anyone else there. So, if I know someone there, if I come with someone, does that detract from that excitement? Slightly. I feel like I'm all about pushing my comforts and my boundaries and forcing myself to be in out there positions. I love pushing myself to make connections on my own and without the help of other people and I know that if I have someone with me that I already know, I'll have a tendancy to stick near them and not branch out so much. While the prospect of being in a different country without anything familiar seems frightening, I love it. Maybe I can't give up on this... Maybe I do need to fight for it. I mean, there's two months left till the school starts, I can do it. I just need to do it all NOW. This would also mean not going to camp as a leader... This would mean stepping back and not fully immersing myself into The Young. At the same time, though, how well can I lead when I myself am still searching and trying to figure things out? How effective can I be if I'm so far behind? I feel like this would be a benefit to not only myself but to the kids and to my fellow leaders. If I'm a stronger person, I can strengthen others. Can I get the money in two months? Well, if God really wants me to go, absolutely.

Hello there, God (: "Trust in Me" is what I hear... What does that even look like? I know what it's like to trust someone, but when it comes to trusting in You for answers, what does that look like? How can I be absolutely sure that I have an answer when you give it to me? "I open doors" True. Doors are always opened to lead us to the path you want us to go on. Just because I want to do one thing doesn't mean I shut the doors you've opened for me. Just because I don't want to miss out on camp and want to go as a leader which would require me to be in a steady position to stay here doesn't mean that it's what I'm supposed to do. I think either way I shouldn't go to camp... I have no idea what I'm doing and it's not fair to try and say I'll be here when I don't know if that's what's going to happen. You're gonna see, it's our destiny. You've got a friend in me :D More Disney :D haha I felt it was appropriate. It was also playing. Now Can You Feel the Love Tonight is on! ANYWAYS. I guess I just need to go for it. I don't feel one hundred percent on that, but I don't know if I ever will. Hopefully one of these days I won't doubt whether or not it's Your voice or just my head.

I don't even know where to pick up. Background check..? I need money for that. Yes, my dad. But I hate asking for money. I hate asking him for things at all. "He's your dad, he'll help" I'll call the courthouse on Monday and ask about it. I have the number.

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