Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Jesus, would you light up my way?

I hate sucky dreams. Actually, I hate anything other than pleasant dreams that you wake up from and wish that you could immediately go back to. There's bad dreams and nightmares and sucky dreams. Bad dreams are just bad. They're not nice and fuzzy, but they're also not terrifying. Nightmares are what they are. Sucky dreams, to me at least, are the dreams you REALLY don't like having personally, but they are really only bad for you to have. I had the suckiest dream I can ever recall having last night and I honestly hope and pray I never have that dream again. I don't remember much of it... Part in the beginning was a baseball or soccer game, but the majority of the dream I spent crying and being angry. I don't remember how, but at some point, James died in the dream. It was one of those dreams, too, that FELT real, which made it even worse. For the most part, I'm fully aware I'm dreaming. Most of the time, even in nightmares, I know that it's not real and that I will wake up either, a. when I decide to wake myself up b. when the dream is done or c. when something else wakes me up. This felt so real and I was completely convinced that it had actually happen. Thankfully, I woke up... It happened to be three hours earlier than I normally would have, but I would've gladly woken up even before that if it meant the dream ended. The sense of relief I had when I opened my eyes and became aware of where I was was incredible and entirely a blessing. At the same time, it took me about an hour to shake the feelings. I was exhausted as if I really had been crying for hours. I was still mad. I was trying to make sense of it all, but what hit me the most was how much I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I mean, before I would've told you I would be in pieces if I did, but it's more apparent now. I spent the entire day unsure of the dream and a little flustered until he got off work and I was able to talk to him. Honestly, though, I'm still slightly on edge. All I can say is that I'm grateful it wasn't true and that God is the best remedy for life.

My plans have changed. I'm not moving to Portland next year, if at all anymore. James is still coming here and I'm hoping Brittany is as well. James, however, will have his own place separate from where I'm living. He continually amazes me. I felt guilty telling him we weren't moving to Portland and that things for him were going to be a tad more difficult for him because I was uncomfortable with us living together when we're not married. He, however, completely understood and told me it was okay. God is the best in general, but I continually thank Him for James. So, I'm staying in this area... Seattle, Lynnwood, Mill Creek... Something. The exact details, I don't know and I've learned they're not for me to know or for me to try to decide. Church camp is in about two weeks. I've asked Phil if I can go, he's heard where I'm coming from and now I'm waiting to hear what he says about it. I don't blame him for being concerned about what I'm doing-- I mean, I was there and then all the sudden I disappeared. Students need stable people in their lives; people in general need stable people in their lives. So, he asked what my plans were and what I wanted. I want a lot of things... One is to stay connected as a leader in The Young. Stemming from that, building relationships with new students who have since arrived while I was gone, strengthening the ones I already have and pushing growth for everyone. Although, I don't know if pushing is the right word, it's all I can think of for now. I also need to get together with Phil because The Young is starting up an Interns program and he thinks it would be something I'd be interested in and he'd like me to consider it. I'd say that I'm interested, but I don't know really anything about it yet. They had a meeting this past Sunday, but I was with my family at a cabin for the weekend, so I missed it. More and more I'm continually learning to trust God in my life, with my life and with everything I have. It's a life rocking feeling and I'm absolutely enjoying it.

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