First half of two thousand and nine is almost done. It's crazy what happens in a span of six months.
Six months ago:
-I desperately wanted to stop being hung up on Justin
-I had feelings for Josh
-I was counting days of sobriety
-I had no job
-I wanted to go to Perth, Australia and go on the mcDTS
-I just wanted to be heard
-I cared about complete strangers whole heartedly
Since then:
-I completely let go of everything with Justin. Literally when the clock hit midnight on New Years, I said "no more" and with one breath, let it go.
I don't think I made a resolution for this year. I think I just wanted to live. Live with no regrets and live as fully as I could.
-I no longer have feelings for Josh. I'm still oddly drawn to him, but there's nothing really there.
-Well, first off, I broke my hundred some odd days of sobriety in January. I don't remember when the last time I had alcohol was, but I haven't been drunk in almost a year.
-I still have no job. It fails miserably.
-UGH. I still want to go to Perth... Badly. I keep making excuses, I keep letting things stop me, I keep doubting the whole thing. Doubting myself, doubting if it really is what God wants me to do, ((I'm being a big idiot about it. He's been wanting me to put myself out there and just freakin GO for three years. Almost one for the mcDTS. I need to shut up and do it)) doubting I guess His ability to get me there... I don't doubt Him, I don't think... But I guess I just feel overwhelmed by it right now.
-I still want to be heard. Sometimes I feel like the things I say sound ridiculous, so sometimes after a while, I just stop saying them. I was born a talker for a reason. I have a lot to say, but a lot of times I won't.
-At the center of everything, I don't think I've stopped completely and whole heartedly caring for complete strangers, but on the surface, I don't.
I feel like I'm back in high school. If I don't know you, whatever, I don't care. If I don't like you, eff off. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I hate being like this. The name calling needs to stop. The distaste for people because they're something else is atrocious. Right now, I feel really freakin off. I feel like I could cry at any second, which is very strange. My chest feels tight, my breathing is heavy and I don't feel like I should. God help me. My mind just went completely blank. This is something that happens frequently. It's like someone's intercepting all my thoughts before they can become complete and run through my mind. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I just got really frustrated. REALLY REALLY frustrated. I'm so sick of this. So sick of the effing battle. It doesn't mean I won't continue it, but I'm so sick of having to fight to live the way I truly want to. I'm so sick of constantly going back and forth. I can be authentic, but it's not who I want to be. I'm so sick and effing tired of having to go through this stupid time period every year in my life where I take a step back from God. I would LOVE to make it one damn year without that freakin four month break where it all seems to come to a hault. I guess I hate walking into the unknown. I hate that I have no idea how to go about this whole life with God. I feel like I'm supposed to figure it out on my own and that I really don't have anyone to help. Quite frankly, other than Brittany and James, I'm feeling pretty disconnected from everyone. I don't really ever see anyone, I don't really talk to people any more... I don't go to youth group, before this past Sunday, I hadn't been to church in a month. For someone who loves being around people so much, I'm alone A LOT. What I've realized lately is that my brothers see my dad more than I do. I see him only at nights. Some nights, I don't even see him because I'm already in my room. We're in the same room for, at most, an hour before I feel awkward and go to my room to leave him alone. I don't talk to my dad and my dad and I don't do anything together. The boys see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Since it's now summer time, most of the weekends they'll be gone camping. It feels GREAT to be left out of your own damn family. I don't ever know when they're going camping until the Thursday night beforehand. By then, most of the time, I've already made plans. Every Wednesday night, they're out somewhere together. Every other night of my dad's weeks are spent at his best friend's house, at another friend's house or with his girlfriend. I essentially live by myself. I want God so bad. SO bad. I just stop for some reason whenever it starts to get there. I have people in my life who are great models for how to live and how I want to be, but I'm not REALLY in relationship with any of them. I try making connections, try to make plans to hang out, but people are busy and are "booked solid for the next few weeks". Then I see Facebook statuses about "I'm bored, anyone want to hang out?" HELLO!? I've been asking to hang out for weeks. Or years in some cases. It's becoming just something people say to me. They don't actually mean it or follow through. Feels pretty fucking sucky. I don't know where to go or what to do next. Everything is so jumbled and I feel pretty lost right now.
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