We must be swift as the coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I'm slightly obsessed with this song right now. Don't know why.



Ugh. A lot is on my mind right now... There are two things in particular that are bugging me currently. One is completely frustrating and I'm not sure what to do to change the circumstances. The second I'm not sure if I want to even talk about. The reason I don't want to is because it could be potentially damaging if ever seen. Not to everyone-- to most, it makes no difference at all. Is it considered dishonest if you don't talk about something? If you don't acknowledge something in your life that is fact and truth, does that make the coping and reaction a lie? This is the moment, it's on the line. Which way you gonna fall? In the middle; between wrong and right? That pertains to two things as well... ((Apparently things are coming in twos)) The first being the situation I'm not sure if I want to talk about, the second being my battle with rebellion vs. purity.

This story's going somewhere...

"You're a warrior Beth...

But remember that sometimes, in the midst of the battle, all you have to do is stand.

Let Jesus fight for you"

Yeah, Tashie, that's from you (:

Ever feel like you're not living up to your potential? I mean REALLY not living up to it? Cause every day, I'm feeling this growing burning inside of me to be more. What that means and how that would even look, I'm not completely sure. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like there's so many things I've been gifted with that I, number one, don't even know about and, two, need to start using. Of course, the ability to use them is contingent on finding out what they are. You can't really use a gift if you don't know what it is. I'm trying to find help, but not actually trying. The thought sounds good and pretty in my head, but I don't go after it. I have SUCH a lack of initiative that goes beyond procrastination. It's pretty insane.

I need to get my background check. I'm pretty sure I have to get that through the courthouse because I do believe the police stations, for whatever reason, don't do them. Also, if I'm not mistaken, they cost money, which is something I do not have. I have a dad, but I feel pretty strange asking him for money no matter what it's for. I didn't even ask him to go to the store when there was essentially no food in the house. That's how dysfunctionally awkward I am about asking people for things. I guess I feel like I don't have the right to ask for help..? Where that comes from, I have no clue.

I'm freaking about trying to do this whole DTS thing. I think I'm scared, so I don't even try to get my foot in the door. I mean, I'll never know if I don't try, and failure is assured if I don't. I need to stop looking at the big picture and take it one step at a time.

I feel dysfunctional. It makes me want to laugh, though, so I guess that's sort of a good thing? O_o haha

I'd say that I'd make goals for tomorrow, but I'm pretty bad at them. I guess I'll try to try?

My mind is a safe and if we keep it then we'll all get rich

First half of two thousand and nine is almost done. It's crazy what happens in a span of six months.
Six months ago:
-I desperately wanted to stop being hung up on Justin
-I had feelings for Josh
-I was counting days of sobriety
-I had no job
-I wanted to go to Perth, Australia and go on the mcDTS
-I just wanted to be heard
-I cared about complete strangers whole heartedly

Since then:
-I completely let go of everything with Justin. Literally when the clock hit midnight on New Years, I said "no more" and with one breath, let it go.
I don't think I made a resolution for this year. I think I just wanted to live. Live with no regrets and live as fully as I could.
-I no longer have feelings for Josh. I'm still oddly drawn to him, but there's nothing really there.
-Well, first off, I broke my hundred some odd days of sobriety in January. I don't remember when the last time I had alcohol was, but I haven't been drunk in almost a year.
-I still have no job. It fails miserably.
-UGH. I still want to go to Perth... Badly. I keep making excuses, I keep letting things stop me, I keep doubting the whole thing. Doubting myself, doubting if it really is what God wants me to do, ((I'm being a big idiot about it. He's been wanting me to put myself out there and just freakin GO for three years. Almost one for the mcDTS. I need to shut up and do it)) doubting I guess His ability to get me there... I don't doubt Him, I don't think... But I guess I just feel overwhelmed by it right now.
-I still want to be heard. Sometimes I feel like the things I say sound ridiculous, so sometimes after a while, I just stop saying them. I was born a talker for a reason. I have a lot to say, but a lot of times I won't.
-At the center of everything, I don't think I've stopped completely and whole heartedly caring for complete strangers, but on the surface, I don't.


I feel like I'm back in high school. If I don't know you, whatever, I don't care. If I don't like you, eff off. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I hate being like this. The name calling needs to stop. The distaste for people because they're something else is atrocious. Right now, I feel really freakin off. I feel like I could cry at any second, which is very strange. My chest feels tight, my breathing is heavy and I don't feel like I should. God help me. My mind just went completely blank. This is something that happens frequently. It's like someone's intercepting all my thoughts before they can become complete and run through my mind. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I just got really frustrated. REALLY REALLY frustrated. I'm so sick of this. So sick of the effing battle. It doesn't mean I won't continue it, but I'm so sick of having to fight to live the way I truly want to. I'm so sick of constantly going back and forth. I can be authentic, but it's not who I want to be. I'm so sick and effing tired of having to go through this stupid time period every year in my life where I take a step back from God. I would LOVE to make it one damn year without that freakin four month break where it all seems to come to a hault. I guess I hate walking into the unknown. I hate that I have no idea how to go about this whole life with God. I feel like I'm supposed to figure it out on my own and that I really don't have anyone to help. Quite frankly, other than Brittany and James, I'm feeling pretty disconnected from everyone. I don't really ever see anyone, I don't really talk to people any more... I don't go to youth group, before this past Sunday, I hadn't been to church in a month. For someone who loves being around people so much, I'm alone A LOT. What I've realized lately is that my brothers see my dad more than I do. I see him only at nights. Some nights, I don't even see him because I'm already in my room. We're in the same room for, at most, an hour before I feel awkward and go to my room to leave him alone. I don't talk to my dad and my dad and I don't do anything together. The boys see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Since it's now summer time, most of the weekends they'll be gone camping. It feels GREAT to be left out of your own damn family. I don't ever know when they're going camping until the Thursday night beforehand. By then, most of the time, I've already made plans. Every Wednesday night, they're out somewhere together. Every other night of my dad's weeks are spent at his best friend's house, at another friend's house or with his girlfriend. I essentially live by myself. I want God so bad. SO bad. I just stop for some reason whenever it starts to get there. I have people in my life who are great models for how to live and how I want to be, but I'm not REALLY in relationship with any of them. I try making connections, try to make plans to hang out, but people are busy and are "booked solid for the next few weeks". Then I see Facebook statuses about "I'm bored, anyone want to hang out?" HELLO!? I've been asking to hang out for weeks. Or years in some cases. It's becoming just something people say to me. They don't actually mean it or follow through. Feels pretty fucking sucky. I don't know where to go or what to do next. Everything is so jumbled and I feel pretty lost right now.

Planes, trains and automobiles

That title actually has nothing to do with anything... Well, it does in general, but it does not apply to anything I'm thinking about or have been thinking about.

I just got off the phone with Brittany. She and I ended it crying. Technically we ended it with laughter because of our "random emo tears", but we were crying for the last few minutes. We were talking about people we've lost-- two in particular; her grandma, Roxy and my dad's godmother, Korlene-- and how the thought of losing our parents scares us. We both don't have great relationships with our moms for whatever reason, but both of us would be equally shattered if we lost them. Same goes for our dads. With Roxy and Korlene, the circumstances surrounding their passing away made us question if we could've done something to change it. The knowledge that we couldn't have, shouldn't have and weren't supposed to is firm in our minds, but you can't help but think "What if I was there? Would she still be here?" With Roxy, she was staying at their house... She wanted to go to sleep, but everyone else was playing games together in the living room where she was supposed to be camped out. She decided to just go home to sleep. That night she passed away. Korlene had been getting weaker and weaker as the months passed last year. One night in October, my dad asked me to go stay with her. For whatever reason when he came home, he didn't do so to take me to her house. I didn't go there that night... The next morning, she collapsed. She was still alive, but it was hours until anyone found her and help arrived. She passed away at 5:30 that night. There's nothing we could've done for either of them, I'm sure, but it doesn't change the doubts and the blame.

I used to think that being depressed was something you couldn't control; that it really was some chemical imbalance in your brain, yada yada yada. The older I get, the more I have come to believe that, for the most part, our emotions and how we feel are in our control. This has come about especially with one person particularly in my life. They're unhappy and have been diagnosed as being bipolar. A lot of times, my view points toward this come off as heartless and bitchy, but I don't know how else to get through to someone who's been so stuck in their ways of just saying "I have this, it's my disability and I can't do things because of it" I think it's bull. I understand people go through unimaginable occurances in their lives. I completely understand that people have some extremely tough trials, but you don't have to let it keep you down. There's a difference between being upset while you're processing through something and then just continuing to let it keep you from moving forward and having a life. I want the best for this person. I want them to be happy and I really want them to shine and ACTUALLY smile. I want their good days to outnumber their bad ones by many. I want all these things, but I don't see it happening until they decide they're ready for it.

Coming with that, the same person firmly believes in God and wants to be a strong and faithful servant, but that's all they'll pray for. They need the strength to get through everything they are and have been in for a while and make it to brighter days, but they won't ask God for help with it. I completely don't understand this one. I mean, if you need strength, ask for it. If you need answers, ask for them. If you need help, ask for it. Their rebuttal was something along the lines of the fact that God knows what they need before they do, so what's the point. Well, sure, God ALWAYS knows what you need before you do, but sometimes he wants you to ask. He's not just going to be all "Ohhhhhh. I know you need strength, but you won't just ask me for it. Eh. Lemme give it to you anyways." I mean, I know that that's probably a bad example because God will never give you more than you can handle, but I think the gist is clear.
It's funny because in this, I think there's something for me. God's a comedian like that.

So. Next year... Well, James will be here permanently. While I'm thrilled about this, there's things that come with it that make me uneasy. Nothing about him that does, it's my own crap. Like the fact that we'll be living together before we're married. There's always a way around it, but not a logical one that's not going to be so ridiculous or offensive. I never pictured myself living with a guy before we were married. Ever. I know it's going to be okay, but I'm still all fujibitty about it. Aside from that, I'm very, very excited for everything with him and with Brittany.

The thought does occur to me, though, that in a way, I don't take God into account when I start making all my plans. Other than the one little hitch, things feel right, but I haven't asked Him what He thinks about it all. I'm hoping He's okay with it. I hope this is the right thing to do. All of it. Not just living with James, but the entire Oregon move.

I really do need to start talking to God more often. I need to start working things out with HIM rather than with human beings.

I feel pretty restless lately... Like I'm not living anywhere NEAR my potential. I've felt like this for a while, actually. I don't ever remember a time where I felt like I was living at full capacity with God. I've started transitioning a few times before, but always... gotten scared, I guess and stopped. I'm fully aware that I'm not doing what I should. There's that odd tug that's so familiar to me. Pulling me to do more, calling me towards things. I just need to listen. One of those things is getting connected with Brian and Michelle McMahon somehow and sharing in their new adventure at The Bluffs. Brian and Michelle just recently moved into a part of Everett that most people try to move away from. It's not the nicest and there's, for lack of better words right now, a lot of drugs and violence. They've moved there to follow after God and His plan for them. They're growing in community with their neighbors-- mostly kids so far-- and making new relationships. I don't know where I'd fit in to that, but I feel myself being pulled to it.

On a more shallow level, I took a shower a few hours ago and shaved my legs. I'd just like to say that freshly shaved legs feel incredible and I wish they could always feel like this! :D

BAH! I just remembered the name of that song earlier... Sick and Tired (Candle) by The White Tie Affair. I guess I could've just looked in my Zune because I have the album, but I didn't think about it. It was on the radio earlier and I was trying to tell Brittany which song it was when she asked after hearing my grumbles about it. I definitely do not like that song and wish it would just never play again. I do, however, think I'd rather listen to that song a thousand times over than listen to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. That song drives me nuts! UGH!

I think I should probably go to bed now. It's almost four in the morning and I actually had no intentions of writing tonight. I got off the phone with Brittany almost forty five minutes ago and was starting to close out all the programs when this sounded like a good idea. Now it's ridiculously late AGAIN and I might have to be up soon... I'm not sure if I'll go to church. Julie asked if I needed a ride, but I didn't get the message until two hours later and since my reply, I haven't heard back from her, so I'm thinking about just deleting the reply and sleeping in. How bad is that. I miss church, though, so I might not... This is all pending her actually seeing the response before she leaves for church in five hours. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Everything's magic

Life is so incredible. There's a song by Angels & Airwaves called Everything's Magic... I LOVE it and have recently become addicted to it. haha
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

The funny thing about songs is that they can mean a number of things. Songs are actually quite similar to the Bible in that they both can mean different things for different moments in life, for different people, for different circumstances.
That's the chorus of the song... It's my favorite part too. Some people would look at this and could interpret it as saying "the world's magical, look at everything the universe gives and does". Well, since I don't believe that the universe is it's own being, rather than a massive and wonderous creation, I look at it as "WOW, God is unbelievable" I mean, God is such magic. The stars, the sun, our breathing, our hearts... Fascinating, complex, BEAUTIFUL. I especially like the second half of the chorus "Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine." Life is such a ride. Everyone will say that no matter what they believe in. The part I like most about that is the last line... Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine. You could go a million ways with this thing. You could take it as someone talking to their friend. A lot of times, this song has a double meaning for me while I'm listening to it. It's an encouragement for friends to join me in this incredible journey, to look at life from different eyes, to see the beauty and wonder and life that's here. Whether those different eyes include a walk with God, I don't know. I would hope that at some point it would, but I don't believe in forcing people to do anything. The second way I see this is as God saying it. God telling you that it's the best present He could give you. A fast paced and unexpected journey. Sometimes life seems slow, but in retrospect, it's quick. We know that life can be amazing on the base level. A lot of people who don't believe in God live full and joyous lives, but taking His hand and enjoying it with Him is even better. GAH! It's just amazing to me. I'm blessed by this life and by my God.

There's more I could write about that because it's just never ending to talk about how awesome God is, but I think I'll stop there (:

Leader's meeting nights are definitely ones I look forward to and are, quite possibly, my favorite night of the month. I had one of the most real and honest conversations with God. I realized I need to have more of those, too, cause there aren't many of them that happen.

Let's see... Two things to talk about, both equally amazing; where to start. One's Brittany, the other is James.
We'll just start with Brittany because I can.
Soooooooooo through most of my talking about the song lyrics, I was thinking about those things in relation to my best friendship with her. On Friday, I ended up talking about her as well... It was during an exercise that Chris had us do. We listed off things that were priorities/ideals/values of ours just in life in general. One of my ideals/priorities in life is laughter; to laugh myself, to make people laugh. The second part was "Why is that important to you?" "Why is laughter important to me?" "Yeah." Well... It was hard to explain. I mean, you laugh because something's funny, but that doesn't mean it's important. You laugh because you like the feeling of being happy, but that's not the root of it. I laugh mostly with Brittany. Not because I don't find things funny with other people, quite frankly, it's easy to make me laugh, so I find things funny when I'm with most people. I spend the most time in relationship with Brittany... I spend the most time during the day talking to her and connecting with her in some form. A lot of the time, our laughter comes as a relief for her. When she's upset, crying, pissed off, down about anything, the best way to pull her out of that is to make her laugh. Which really isn't hard to do if you know her (: So I got to talk about her. It was fun, actually. I felt like I was bringing my outside world in and making it relevant to everything else. With the song lyrics, it's how I feel for her. That sounds strange... lol She hasn't been truly happy in almost ten years. I want her to see the beauty in life, to enjoy things and be able to sit still in a moment and feel happy and at peace. I feel like a lot of times, I have goals for what I can do to help a friend... That's mine with Brittany. To get her to be happy, to know a love unlike anything else, to be truly at peace.
James... My amazing boyfriend. It's funny because we all know humans aren't perfect and to use that word is fairly loaded and sometimes a negative, but he's perfect for me. How cheesy does that sound! haha I mean, really, though, he's my best friend who I just happen to be in love with. Which just happens to make it all more spectacular. He and I were talking the other day about things we want to do... I had asked him some random question about probably nothing in particular and the he asked if he could ask me something. lol His question? "Can we go into poor countries and help people out?" I thought I could die I was so happy. UHM, YEAH!? haha We can do that. My thing was we can do that and I want to start something here as well. My Love On the Line project (: My future has never looked more amazing. I cannot wait to LIVE. I mean, I'm living now and things are incredible RIGHT NOW, but the future is astonishingly exciting!

Love On the Line

Talk about God speaking... I was watching an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition early today about a single mother raising eight children. After she had the first child, her husband became physically and emotionally abusive. I've always had a huge heart for this kind of thing because it's somethig that I've seen affect a few close friends. She managed to escape and take her children with her to a shelter called House of Ruth. I start thinking about shelters and what I've heard of them... They're a place to be, and it's good to be able to escape, but they're not ideal. So, all the sudden, the idea occurs to me that I should open a house for battered women and children. Then I think about the fact that I KNOW there aren't enough homes for people who have escaped sex and human trafficking. It's one of the biggest problems in the solution to ending the trafficking; there's no where to really put the people since they've been separated from everything familiar. My mind starts running and I decide that I'm going to open one house up for each. Just to start out... One house for mom's and children who can make it out, one house for the courageous people who have come out of modern day slavery. Then I hear the words "love on the line" -- definitely not me-- followed by the thought that this should be a non-profit organization. Hello, God! I mean, if I had never heard You before in my entire life, I definitely did then.
Needless to say, that's something I want in my future. No, it's not easy to just sprout a foundation or build houses or fund and sponsor survivors... But EVERYTHING is possible with God. We know this. If He wants it to happen, you'd better believe that, in most cases, it will. If YOU are willing to listen and be faithful, He will follow through and work through you to get his plans done.
It makes me smile to think about doing this; to think about the lives that will be changed. I'm extremely excited. I realize it's not going to happen right now and that it's all in God's time, but this is something I hope never leaves my heart and I really do hope that I'm pushed on this no matter what kind of challenges it brings me.


"You were made for greatness". Words to inspire a lifetime. Thanks Raquel (:

Family first is a bunch of bull.

People wonder why when I start listing off the groups of people that are most important to me I always start with my friends... Why my family isn't number one. I live with my dad, but see my friends more. My mother has picked her boyfriend over me. Jon's an asshole who has torn me down my entire life and made me feel disgusting and completely crappy about myself. Jacob... Well, Jacob and I have gotten in the most physical fights between the three of us probably. He and I have kicked, punched, slapped, hit, choked and thrown each other down stairs. While it sounds the worst, Jacob and I are pretty chill. I love him to death. Don't get me wrong, I love Jon as well, but it's definitely not the same with him. Jon thinks he's better than everyone and acts like it. Jacob and I have more things in common and can actually sit there and talk. My family does not, typically, make me feel loved or cherished or important. I haven't done what they want me to, so there's nothing for them to be proud of me for. My parents don't know about my drinking last year... They don't know about the struggle I go through every Spring with my identity, my values and myself. They have no clue. The boys know some of it has happened, but that's it. I'm not close to my family. It's just frustrating. So, no. I don't put them first in my mind. I do hold my friends in higher regard than them. It happens.

My family makes me feel like crap. I think I already said that, but it's the truth.
So, right now I feel like shit. I made a joke with Brittany and our moods on Myspace are both "feelin sexyyy :D" Do I actually feel that way? No. Did I at the time? No. It was an inside joke and it was meant to be funny for the two of us. But Jon felt the need to message me and tell me how disgusting I am. Thanks, little brother.