The enemy has been defeated. Death couldn't hold you down.

There's a time for everything... If nothing else, I've learned that in my life. No, continuing to shoot for Australia is not the right thing for right now. There's always later. If it's meant to happen, it will. I filled out my application for the MC4 Intership today when I was over at Julie's. I got to have a pretty nice conversation with Phil this morning as well after the service was over ((Ten minutes early, too! haha)) I talked to him somewhat about what's been going on with me recently as well as where I am now. After that, he had me go get the application out of his laptop case in Sean's office and when I came back, we talked about it. We're getting together this week to talk some more and I'm definitely looking forward to it. I didn't say anything about not going to camp... I'm staying here and that needs to be his decision.

I've never loved God more. I've never wanted Jesus in my life more than I do today and moving forward. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast

Yep. I'm seriously listening to that song right now. I have fifteen Disney songs on my Zune and I'm playing them on shuffle because Disney is amazing :D

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I'm not sure if I want to give up on Australia for this year or if I really do want to save it. I don't know if now is the time to go or not. All I do know is that when Amy left me that comment saying that her scanner was waiting for me to use, I felt this little tear in my heart. I was a little sad from last week's decision to hold off on going on that mcDTS. I guess what I'm wondering is is this trip something I'm supposed to do with someone else? Or should I do it alone? That's always been one of the things that excited me about a DTS-- not knowing anyone else there. So, if I know someone there, if I come with someone, does that detract from that excitement? Slightly. I feel like I'm all about pushing my comforts and my boundaries and forcing myself to be in out there positions. I love pushing myself to make connections on my own and without the help of other people and I know that if I have someone with me that I already know, I'll have a tendancy to stick near them and not branch out so much. While the prospect of being in a different country without anything familiar seems frightening, I love it. Maybe I can't give up on this... Maybe I do need to fight for it. I mean, there's two months left till the school starts, I can do it. I just need to do it all NOW. This would also mean not going to camp as a leader... This would mean stepping back and not fully immersing myself into The Young. At the same time, though, how well can I lead when I myself am still searching and trying to figure things out? How effective can I be if I'm so far behind? I feel like this would be a benefit to not only myself but to the kids and to my fellow leaders. If I'm a stronger person, I can strengthen others. Can I get the money in two months? Well, if God really wants me to go, absolutely.

Hello there, God (: "Trust in Me" is what I hear... What does that even look like? I know what it's like to trust someone, but when it comes to trusting in You for answers, what does that look like? How can I be absolutely sure that I have an answer when you give it to me? "I open doors" True. Doors are always opened to lead us to the path you want us to go on. Just because I want to do one thing doesn't mean I shut the doors you've opened for me. Just because I don't want to miss out on camp and want to go as a leader which would require me to be in a steady position to stay here doesn't mean that it's what I'm supposed to do. I think either way I shouldn't go to camp... I have no idea what I'm doing and it's not fair to try and say I'll be here when I don't know if that's what's going to happen. You're gonna see, it's our destiny. You've got a friend in me :D More Disney :D haha I felt it was appropriate. It was also playing. Now Can You Feel the Love Tonight is on! ANYWAYS. I guess I just need to go for it. I don't feel one hundred percent on that, but I don't know if I ever will. Hopefully one of these days I won't doubt whether or not it's Your voice or just my head.

I don't even know where to pick up. Background check..? I need money for that. Yes, my dad. But I hate asking for money. I hate asking him for things at all. "He's your dad, he'll help" I'll call the courthouse on Monday and ask about it. I have the number.

Here's to the red, white and blue

So. Jon leaves for basic in... Forty eight days. He has to report to the hotel for briefing on September 9th, so that will technically be the last day we see him for a while. He's going to Great Lakes, Michigan for basic and will be moving to Pensacola, Florida for his schooling. He'll be doing cryptology work. I don't remember the exact name for it, so I'll have to ask, but essentially, it's a pretty smarty pants and important job. Although, every job in the armed forces is important, so I'm not really sure how I could gauge how this one is more so than the others. Probably because my brother will be the one doing it. I'm not sure when any of his things end... I don't know when basic is over, I don't know when he'll graduate from school, I don't know where he'll be going after that. While I'm extremely proud of him, I've never been more scared for him in his life. It hasn't completely hit me yet what he's doing, but as I'm writing this out, it's starting to sink in. The nineth isn't going to be a fun day. I mean, I don't see Jon all the time now as it is since we don't live together, but I have the option to do so now. I won't have that in forty eight days. I can't just call him and tell him about something stupid that reminded me of him and made me laugh. He's in, so far, for a total of six years. One year is basic and school, the other five are stationed and possible active duty. Hopefully he'll take advantage of those thirty days a year he'll get to come home and visit. As much as I hate them, I'm already missing those rib-crushing hugs.

Jesus, would you light up my way?

I hate sucky dreams. Actually, I hate anything other than pleasant dreams that you wake up from and wish that you could immediately go back to. There's bad dreams and nightmares and sucky dreams. Bad dreams are just bad. They're not nice and fuzzy, but they're also not terrifying. Nightmares are what they are. Sucky dreams, to me at least, are the dreams you REALLY don't like having personally, but they are really only bad for you to have. I had the suckiest dream I can ever recall having last night and I honestly hope and pray I never have that dream again. I don't remember much of it... Part in the beginning was a baseball or soccer game, but the majority of the dream I spent crying and being angry. I don't remember how, but at some point, James died in the dream. It was one of those dreams, too, that FELT real, which made it even worse. For the most part, I'm fully aware I'm dreaming. Most of the time, even in nightmares, I know that it's not real and that I will wake up either, a. when I decide to wake myself up b. when the dream is done or c. when something else wakes me up. This felt so real and I was completely convinced that it had actually happen. Thankfully, I woke up... It happened to be three hours earlier than I normally would have, but I would've gladly woken up even before that if it meant the dream ended. The sense of relief I had when I opened my eyes and became aware of where I was was incredible and entirely a blessing. At the same time, it took me about an hour to shake the feelings. I was exhausted as if I really had been crying for hours. I was still mad. I was trying to make sense of it all, but what hit me the most was how much I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I mean, before I would've told you I would be in pieces if I did, but it's more apparent now. I spent the entire day unsure of the dream and a little flustered until he got off work and I was able to talk to him. Honestly, though, I'm still slightly on edge. All I can say is that I'm grateful it wasn't true and that God is the best remedy for life.

My plans have changed. I'm not moving to Portland next year, if at all anymore. James is still coming here and I'm hoping Brittany is as well. James, however, will have his own place separate from where I'm living. He continually amazes me. I felt guilty telling him we weren't moving to Portland and that things for him were going to be a tad more difficult for him because I was uncomfortable with us living together when we're not married. He, however, completely understood and told me it was okay. God is the best in general, but I continually thank Him for James. So, I'm staying in this area... Seattle, Lynnwood, Mill Creek... Something. The exact details, I don't know and I've learned they're not for me to know or for me to try to decide. Church camp is in about two weeks. I've asked Phil if I can go, he's heard where I'm coming from and now I'm waiting to hear what he says about it. I don't blame him for being concerned about what I'm doing-- I mean, I was there and then all the sudden I disappeared. Students need stable people in their lives; people in general need stable people in their lives. So, he asked what my plans were and what I wanted. I want a lot of things... One is to stay connected as a leader in The Young. Stemming from that, building relationships with new students who have since arrived while I was gone, strengthening the ones I already have and pushing growth for everyone. Although, I don't know if pushing is the right word, it's all I can think of for now. I also need to get together with Phil because The Young is starting up an Interns program and he thinks it would be something I'd be interested in and he'd like me to consider it. I'd say that I'm interested, but I don't know really anything about it yet. They had a meeting this past Sunday, but I was with my family at a cabin for the weekend, so I missed it. More and more I'm continually learning to trust God in my life, with my life and with everything I have. It's a life rocking feeling and I'm absolutely enjoying it.