Guilt is poison

And suicide is selfish.

I've never had to lose someone. I've been alive for twenty years and I've never TRULY lost someone who was close to me. The people I did lose didn't leave unexpectedly. And we never had unfinished business.
All of this has now changed.
We've lost.
We've lost and now we have to find harmony amongst the discord.
You took yourself away.
You left HER.
And she's in pieces.

I don't know if I'll ever understand. I guess I just don't know how to understand. There have been times in my life when I thought about ending my own life, but I was always pulled out of that. I don't understand how you were so bad off. How were things so horrible? So horrible that you would be able to pull the trigger... I've replayed how I think your last moments must have been a few times now. Looking at the pictures of you with my mom in the happiest times of her life. Staring into the eyes of your son in the one picture you had out of him... How could you look at all of it and not change your mind? Death is permanent. You don't get to change your mind or take it back. It is the end and that's it.
I wish I could've been there to stop you.

I will never have the chance to look you in the face and tell you I stopped hating you. I'll never get the chance to have that conversation. I'd been wanting to let you know for months. We needed to have it. I'm sorry that I was bitter, stubborn and prideful.
I wish you would've known.

I don't know if this will ever truly and fully sink in...
These have been the most surreal days I've experienced so far.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make sense of this.

I hope you see how this is effecting all of us.
Her.
The boys.
All three of them.
Myself.
My sisters.
People you worked with.
Your family.
People you never got the chance to know.

I wish you would've stopped to see that it wasn't all bad... That there was a lot of good. There could've and would've been a lot more good to come.