Say what you need to say...

I'm a firm believer in writing things out.. Yet, I somehow fail to do it as often as I should. A few weeks ago, I felt the need to just write to different people. Write positives, write negatives, just write... Well, I never did that. I was going to get a good head start on what's sure to be the longest blog I ever have written and probably ever will write, but the pain in my legs doesn't seem to be going away making sleep the hopeful cure. I figured, though, that'd I'd list names.. Or start listing names. That way, I don't forget to say what I need to say to people -- even if they'll never see this.

Nicole
Josh
Tashie
Mom
Kimmie
Kelsey
Kelly
Justin
James
Jordan
Kelsey Lee
Tiffany Lee
Dad
Noel
Ruth
Anyone else...
God
Ken



And now to actually write. I guess I'll just start from the top of the list and go down..?

Nicole, you're my little God send. You're my best friend. While I have others who I would consider the same, you're pretty much my one best friend right now. You just get me in this weird way. I don't need to say anything, I don't need to explain myself, you just understand. I love you for that. I love you for being crazy and stupid with me, for our inappropriate inside joke, for who you are, for making me your wedding planner (: I'm so grateful you're in my life. Soooooooooooooo grateful.
Josh, I feel like I keep writing to you or about you or talking about you. I don't know what happened. I don't know where the flip came from and I don't know why, but it's really frustrating to not understand. I was reading a blog I posted on December 10th... It was about you and how insanely happy you made me. I realized I got to be in that completely blissed out state for longer than I thought it was.. I thought it had been maybe a month or so... Maybe a month and a half. But it was closer to two or two and a half months that I felt incredible. I keep running things through my head trying to figure out where it all turned, but I can't find it. I know there's more to you being in my life and I know this isn't even close to over, but I also know this isn't where it's supposed to be. Where that exact place is, I'm not quite sure. You have no idea how much this is driving me crazy... All of it. The not talking to you, the distance, the shortness, the lack of connection. It just really sucks.
Tashie, I can't believe we've only known each other for almost a year. I feel like I've known you for at least ten! It seems insane to me that I've only seen you that one time in person, yet we're such good friends. Whether or not you realize, you play a pretty big part in my life. I have a lot to thank you for.. Like realizations about myself, who God is and who I'm made to be. I miss talking to you. In talking to you, it just seems like things become a whole lot clearer. The frustrations I have about life find meanings and answers... Goals, hopes and dreams find shelter in your encouragement. I'm still trying to grasp that it's only been a year. I honestly could never imagine my life without you in it. You're like my little life refresher. You manage, a lot of times, to say things that I can't get out. You find ways to pull things out of me that need to be worked through. You somehow help me, not only want to make me be better, but you help get me there. I love you so much. I adore you, respect you and admire who you are. Thank you for this year. Thank you for our strange connection and for helping me in ways I'm sure neither of us are fully aware of.
Mom, you still frustrate me... You're still so consumed by him. You're still changed... Not the mom I knew. Our relationship STILL holds me back. I wish I could just let it go. I wish that I could pretend like none of it ever happened and like we were okay. I wish we had one of those relationships where I could actually trust you, because, to be honest, I really don't trust you all that much. I don't trust your judgement, I don't trust your actions and I don't trust you with who I am. I don't trust you with my heart or the things that make me, me. You can call it disrespectful, but I can't help it. It's hard to know that you, my mom, doesn't know me. You really don't have a clue who I am. It sucks a lot. I battle with myself over what to do. I know I need to fix this. I know we need to change... But part of me is perfectly content with not having the relationship that I've never had with you. Part of me is okay with rarely seeing you or talking to you... I don't feel like reaching out either. Sometimes I do... Sometimes I think about the night I moved out; like I am right now. It still makes me cry. I came to dad's that night, brought some of my things up the stairs and into the apartment... I came into "my room" and cried. I cried for a while that night. It took me a while to get used to waking up here. I still don't think it's familiar. I don't wake up with the feeling like I'm somewhere foreign any more, but I also don't feel at home. It's hard not having a mom. I'm sick of crying over you. I'm sick of putting on a face when I talk about you to other people. I'm tired of empty promises, tired of not being able to trust you. I'm so sick and tired of having to pretend like things are okay when I see you.. Of walking on egg shells. One of these days I hope things change.
Kimmie, my Shunshine. I love you and I'm so thankful for you. It's refreshing to be around you and to hang out. I love that you know me and I love that it's just easy to do whatever when we're together. Thank you for being my Kimmie. Thank you for everything that you do for me.
Kelsey, I don't even know where we stand. I don't know what we are or what we should do. I am still sorry for what I said, but I am not sorry for telling you that it was not the way you remember. I'm not sorry that I have a completely different recollection of what happened and then that caused everything to spiral downwards. I don't understand why I needed to say that you were right and I was wrong in order for things to be okay again. I don't know why it had to come down to that. I said I was sorry, I continued to say I was sorry and I will still say that I am sorry for what I said and the way it came out. It's been almost two months since that one night and it has completely changed our relationship. It sucks big time.. I miss you, I love you and I hope things can be fixed.
Kelly, well, I don't really have anything specific to say to you. lol I love you. I'm sorry we've only talked twice in the past month and a half. I'm sorry that it's just been blah. I miss you and I'm so glad you're gonna be home soon. Deja vu... That was weird. haha ANYWAYS! I can't wait to see you. DANGIT! I just realized I still need to call mom... Oops :D I can't wait to tackle you and hug you and cry like a big baby with you!
Justin, I go back and forth between being so utterly annoyed with you and just completely dumb founded that we dated and at everything that happened to still wanting you in my life. Sometimes I want you to be my friend. Sometimes I wish you weren't so awkward so we could actually do so. Most of the time, though, I'm just annoyed with you and everything you've done. I feel bad for Tiffany because I'm quite sure she's going to end up alone and heart broken just like Kelsey and I. YEP. I broke up with you, I remember. But you were the one that made a whole crap load of empty promises. A waste of forevers.. Whatever, I guess. Maybe one day you'll be honest with yourself. Although, maybe you're already at that stage? I don't know... I feel like you're just lying to everyone. Who knows. I still don't understand the point in keeping contact with my friends... Kimmie especially. I don't get why you need to talk to her. I don't get why, when ANYONE brings me up, you get fujibitty. I don't understand why you can't just talk to me and be normal about things... Why is that so hard? No one said we needed to be enemies. In fact, I'd rather we weren't. But you just make things so freakin weird and awkward whenever I try to talk to you. Stop it.
James, I don't know what to do with you. I don't know where you fit in to my life, I don't know where you will fall into my life years from now. I don't know why I'm so concentrated on figuring it out, but I have no idea if you're it and I wish I did. I wish, at least, if I knew it was you or if it wasn't. If it's not, I'd rather figure it out sooner than later. I don't want to hurt you, but I constantly feel like that's where this path is headed. I just don't know any more. It's so hard... I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you. How cliche does that sound!? AWESOME. I want you to be happy bubaloo. I want to know if it's you or not so that, if it isn't, you can stop thinking it's me and find your girl. I know I'd be happy with you... I know I'd be satisfied and content, but is that enough?
Jordan, who knows... You're in New Hampshire now and it kinda feels like the door that had been cracked open for us is now closed again. Once again, who knows. I somehow never discount you in my trying to figure things out.. I still compare other guys to you and who you were when we dated -- even though that was almost four years ago. It probably isn't you, but I, for some reason, never leave you out. I guess we'll see? Maybe one day we'll go get you that rocket ship I owe you. With lasers, of course.
Kelsey Lee, yeah.. I used to hate you so completely and entirely. I despised every aspect of your life and I could not stand to even think about you. I still find myself reverting back to that sometimes.. Not so intensely, but I still feel myself being juvenile and being annoyed by you talking to me. It's funny that I'm glad you came in when you did now... I wonder where I'd be if it weren't for you doing so.. How things with Justin would've gone... If it would be me he cheated on, not you. Or if we'd still be together. So many things to wonder, so many things that will never have answers. But thank you for saving me from whatever it could've been.
Tiffany Lee, you have no idea at all who you're engaged to. Speak of the devil, there's your fiance texting me! Lovely... I don't think you know the real Justin. There's no way you can. If you do, well, I'm sorry. Because he's not the Justin I dated. For the most part, he was amazing when we were together, but he is certainly not that guy today. You are going to get your heart smashed to pieces if you stay with him. He quite possibly could and will cheat on you. There's nothing to say he won't... He cheated on Kelsey and was saying everything to her and about her that he's saying to you. I think it's ridiculous that you started dating him while he was with someone else and then after that continued to be with him, but, I have no right to pass judgement. I wish you the best of luck dating him...
Dad, I don't even think I can say anything to you... I saw your name was next and my insides froze. I love you, but you're frustrating. I'm not your maid, I'm not your slave, I'm not your wife. Please don't treat me as such. I don't not respect you, but the reason I don't do half the things you want me to is because you treat me like it's my job. It's mostly your mess in this place... And while I don't necessarily mind cleaning the apartment once in a while and then picking up after myself, I do have a problem with feeling like it's my job to clean up after you. Thank you for letting me live here, for feeding me and all of that, even if you get annoyed with me and I with you.
Noel, I kinda feel bad for talking to you... It started out as something so wrong. Falling back into the category of when I was, what Rosie had named me, a man eater. Now I just don't really have feelings for you in either way? It's pretty much neutral, I guess. I still don't get you sometimes and you're definitely an odd one who's sometimes not appropriate, but I'm sorry for the original intentions.
Ruth, wowowowowowowow. I'm not the bad guy and I'm certainly not evil. You cannot blame me for the problems you have with your friends. You can't tell me it's my fault you two fought so much or "broke up" so many times... I never made you talk about people behind their backs. As innocent as you play, you did it to all of us. Some days I genuinely miss you and the fun times we had, but you were the one that decided we couldn't be friends.. Because of something going on between you and Kimmie...? That's just stupid... But, it's your choice.
((Flipping the order))Ken, I still despise you. I still hate you for everything you've taken away from my family. You've completely changed our lives and flipped everything upside down. I honestly don't see a day when I can forgive you, even though I know there needs to be one. You've taken our mom from us. You've taken her job, her friends, her life. You proposed to her and then you guys broke up AGAIN. You've made her cry more times than I've ever seen, heard of or known about in my entire life prior to you walking into it. Excuse me, forced would probably be a better choice. You badgered her until she said yes. As mean as it is, I really just want to say "No wonder Matt moved out". I pray for the day you leave for good. I hope and pray for the day you never come walking back into our lives. I pray it's soon. I pray you never get to become the person I know you can become; possessive and abusive. I pray for you to just leave.
God, I'm speechless. Even with all these things in my heart, you still continue to love me. You continue to give me hope and give me a life filled with beautiful things. When it comes down to it, I honestly do know that you're all I need. I could have nothing left in this world but you and that would be okay. I know you've got me in your hands. I know there's a reason for everything and I know it's all going to work out. Sometimes I wish I could have answers.. Like now (: That would be nice.. But I have to remember you do things on YOUR time, not mine. Thank you for my life. Thank you for giving me this life. Thank you for never forcing me to do anything, but telling me which way is the right one to go. Thank you for this world; for the ocean, the sun, the moon and the stars-- oh, the stars. They're such beauty and magic and You. We have been named, numbered and accounted for. You remember each of us in the stars in the sky. I fall a lot. I fail a lot. I stumble a lot. I know I can count on you, though, to pick me up every single time. Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the frustrations and the pains and the heart aches and breaks. Thank you for the joys, the laughter and the love, especially. Thank you for giving up your son so that I could live this life I take for granted. I wish everyone knew you... Saw how amazing and incredible you really are. I wish everyone could experience you. Thank you for never giving up. Please fight for me even when I have stopped fighting for you. Thank you for saying you will even before I finished that sentence. Thank you for my gifts and for who I am.