Everything's magic

Life is so incredible. There's a song by Angels & Airwaves called Everything's Magic... I LOVE it and have recently become addicted to it. haha
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

The funny thing about songs is that they can mean a number of things. Songs are actually quite similar to the Bible in that they both can mean different things for different moments in life, for different people, for different circumstances.
That's the chorus of the song... It's my favorite part too. Some people would look at this and could interpret it as saying "the world's magical, look at everything the universe gives and does". Well, since I don't believe that the universe is it's own being, rather than a massive and wonderous creation, I look at it as "WOW, God is unbelievable" I mean, God is such magic. The stars, the sun, our breathing, our hearts... Fascinating, complex, BEAUTIFUL. I especially like the second half of the chorus "Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine." Life is such a ride. Everyone will say that no matter what they believe in. The part I like most about that is the last line... Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine. You could go a million ways with this thing. You could take it as someone talking to their friend. A lot of times, this song has a double meaning for me while I'm listening to it. It's an encouragement for friends to join me in this incredible journey, to look at life from different eyes, to see the beauty and wonder and life that's here. Whether those different eyes include a walk with God, I don't know. I would hope that at some point it would, but I don't believe in forcing people to do anything. The second way I see this is as God saying it. God telling you that it's the best present He could give you. A fast paced and unexpected journey. Sometimes life seems slow, but in retrospect, it's quick. We know that life can be amazing on the base level. A lot of people who don't believe in God live full and joyous lives, but taking His hand and enjoying it with Him is even better. GAH! It's just amazing to me. I'm blessed by this life and by my God.

There's more I could write about that because it's just never ending to talk about how awesome God is, but I think I'll stop there (:

Leader's meeting nights are definitely ones I look forward to and are, quite possibly, my favorite night of the month. I had one of the most real and honest conversations with God. I realized I need to have more of those, too, cause there aren't many of them that happen.

Let's see... Two things to talk about, both equally amazing; where to start. One's Brittany, the other is James.
We'll just start with Brittany because I can.
Soooooooooo through most of my talking about the song lyrics, I was thinking about those things in relation to my best friendship with her. On Friday, I ended up talking about her as well... It was during an exercise that Chris had us do. We listed off things that were priorities/ideals/values of ours just in life in general. One of my ideals/priorities in life is laughter; to laugh myself, to make people laugh. The second part was "Why is that important to you?" "Why is laughter important to me?" "Yeah." Well... It was hard to explain. I mean, you laugh because something's funny, but that doesn't mean it's important. You laugh because you like the feeling of being happy, but that's not the root of it. I laugh mostly with Brittany. Not because I don't find things funny with other people, quite frankly, it's easy to make me laugh, so I find things funny when I'm with most people. I spend the most time in relationship with Brittany... I spend the most time during the day talking to her and connecting with her in some form. A lot of the time, our laughter comes as a relief for her. When she's upset, crying, pissed off, down about anything, the best way to pull her out of that is to make her laugh. Which really isn't hard to do if you know her (: So I got to talk about her. It was fun, actually. I felt like I was bringing my outside world in and making it relevant to everything else. With the song lyrics, it's how I feel for her. That sounds strange... lol She hasn't been truly happy in almost ten years. I want her to see the beauty in life, to enjoy things and be able to sit still in a moment and feel happy and at peace. I feel like a lot of times, I have goals for what I can do to help a friend... That's mine with Brittany. To get her to be happy, to know a love unlike anything else, to be truly at peace.
James... My amazing boyfriend. It's funny because we all know humans aren't perfect and to use that word is fairly loaded and sometimes a negative, but he's perfect for me. How cheesy does that sound! haha I mean, really, though, he's my best friend who I just happen to be in love with. Which just happens to make it all more spectacular. He and I were talking the other day about things we want to do... I had asked him some random question about probably nothing in particular and the he asked if he could ask me something. lol His question? "Can we go into poor countries and help people out?" I thought I could die I was so happy. UHM, YEAH!? haha We can do that. My thing was we can do that and I want to start something here as well. My Love On the Line project (: My future has never looked more amazing. I cannot wait to LIVE. I mean, I'm living now and things are incredible RIGHT NOW, but the future is astonishingly exciting!

Love On the Line

Talk about God speaking... I was watching an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition early today about a single mother raising eight children. After she had the first child, her husband became physically and emotionally abusive. I've always had a huge heart for this kind of thing because it's somethig that I've seen affect a few close friends. She managed to escape and take her children with her to a shelter called House of Ruth. I start thinking about shelters and what I've heard of them... They're a place to be, and it's good to be able to escape, but they're not ideal. So, all the sudden, the idea occurs to me that I should open a house for battered women and children. Then I think about the fact that I KNOW there aren't enough homes for people who have escaped sex and human trafficking. It's one of the biggest problems in the solution to ending the trafficking; there's no where to really put the people since they've been separated from everything familiar. My mind starts running and I decide that I'm going to open one house up for each. Just to start out... One house for mom's and children who can make it out, one house for the courageous people who have come out of modern day slavery. Then I hear the words "love on the line" -- definitely not me-- followed by the thought that this should be a non-profit organization. Hello, God! I mean, if I had never heard You before in my entire life, I definitely did then.
Needless to say, that's something I want in my future. No, it's not easy to just sprout a foundation or build houses or fund and sponsor survivors... But EVERYTHING is possible with God. We know this. If He wants it to happen, you'd better believe that, in most cases, it will. If YOU are willing to listen and be faithful, He will follow through and work through you to get his plans done.
It makes me smile to think about doing this; to think about the lives that will be changed. I'm extremely excited. I realize it's not going to happen right now and that it's all in God's time, but this is something I hope never leaves my heart and I really do hope that I'm pushed on this no matter what kind of challenges it brings me.


"You were made for greatness". Words to inspire a lifetime. Thanks Raquel (:

Family first is a bunch of bull.

People wonder why when I start listing off the groups of people that are most important to me I always start with my friends... Why my family isn't number one. I live with my dad, but see my friends more. My mother has picked her boyfriend over me. Jon's an asshole who has torn me down my entire life and made me feel disgusting and completely crappy about myself. Jacob... Well, Jacob and I have gotten in the most physical fights between the three of us probably. He and I have kicked, punched, slapped, hit, choked and thrown each other down stairs. While it sounds the worst, Jacob and I are pretty chill. I love him to death. Don't get me wrong, I love Jon as well, but it's definitely not the same with him. Jon thinks he's better than everyone and acts like it. Jacob and I have more things in common and can actually sit there and talk. My family does not, typically, make me feel loved or cherished or important. I haven't done what they want me to, so there's nothing for them to be proud of me for. My parents don't know about my drinking last year... They don't know about the struggle I go through every Spring with my identity, my values and myself. They have no clue. The boys know some of it has happened, but that's it. I'm not close to my family. It's just frustrating. So, no. I don't put them first in my mind. I do hold my friends in higher regard than them. It happens.

My family makes me feel like crap. I think I already said that, but it's the truth.
So, right now I feel like shit. I made a joke with Brittany and our moods on Myspace are both "feelin sexyyy :D" Do I actually feel that way? No. Did I at the time? No. It was an inside joke and it was meant to be funny for the two of us. But Jon felt the need to message me and tell me how disgusting I am. Thanks, little brother.

Just can't let it go

You know, there's a reason why when you call I don't answer the phone. I mean, I don't just walk out, look to see who it is and then just not because it sounds like fun. I don't answer because I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you. Unfortunately, I know that this is inevitable as Jon and Travis' graduation is in two weeks. I know I'm going to have to go to the family dinner with you... Sit with you somewhere at the table and sit with you for two hours as we watch them in their final steps as high schoolers. I really wish I could go do all of this and just avoid you, but I know that'll be impossible. You'll want the hug, you'll want the talk. Maybe you'll tell me you miss seeing me. Maybe you'll ask me why I don't pick up the phone. Maybe you'll give me that look you always do every time I see you that says "I'm disappointed in you, I'm mad at you and I'm in the right" all in one. Quite frankly, I really don't care if you're disappointed in me because I guarantee I'm equally, if not more so, disappointed in you. I don't care if you're mad, sad or upset because I'd bet you a million dollars I'm all of that and more. You may think you're in the right, but, maybe minus a few things, you're wrong about most of it. You want to know why I don't pick up the phone, why I don't want to talk to you or see you? Because you're just a person to me. You're my mother. The woman who happened to give birth to me. You're not my mom, though, and you haven't been for years. I don't pick up because I don't want to hear it. Notice how angry I am through just this? Try imagining me talking about it and trying not to break in front of whoever it is. I was talking to my friend Julie about you and all your bullshit once a few months ago and she saw the anger ALL across my face. It actually startled her. You make me so pissed off and so hurt all at once. Part of me wants to scream and hit you, the other part just wants to break down. Typically, I don't do either. I've never hit you, I don't talk to you so I can't scream at you and I refuse to let you break me. Talk about bottling it up. How dare you just let go of all responsibility in your life for a fucking guy. How dare you turn on your children and start acting like you're twenty years old again. News flash, mother, you're going to be forty one this year. You haven't been able to act irresponsible without having to worry about the immediate after effect on other people in twenty years. Guess what. This time twenty years ago, you were pregnant with me. Yeah. I'm turning twenty this year. Interesting how things change over twenty years. Interesting how I used to want to be around you all the time and now I fight to stay away. I've been meaning to let all of this out... To write it for a while now. I just never got around to it until now. Why now? I don't know. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately... Especially pertaining to next year. James being here... Meeting my best friends, meeting my close friends, meeting church family and meeting blood family. I don't know if I want you to be one of those people. I'm sure he'd like to meet you, but I also know for a fact that if I said I didn't want him to at this point, he wouldn't push me on it or give it a second thought. Know why? Because he doesn't like his dad. If he doesn't want me to meet his dad, I won't push it. Do I want you at my wedding when I get married? I don't know. Do I want you to be in the room with me when I'm giving birth to my first child? Or my second? Or my third? Or fourth? Or however many? Do I want you in their lives? Will I be over this in ten years? Cause I'm telling you now, in ten years, I will be married and I will have some kids. You stopped being my mom almost three years ago. I moved out almost two ago. How many times have I seen you in two years? I probably can count them on my fingers and toes... If I can't, I'd bet it wasn't many more than twenty. Twenty times, give or take, in two years I've chosen to be around you. When you were taking my room down and I was pleading with you not to, do you remember what you said? "Do you know how hard it is for me to pass this room, see it every day and know that my child hates me?" First off, taking my things out of there doesn't change anything. The room is still there. The memory that that was my room is not going to go away. The fact that when you and I first found that house and did the walk through, it was together. That room still holds my memory. Taking things out won't help you. My things are mostly out of there last time I knew... As far as I know, the walls still remain. Quite frankly, you could strip everything out and leave just the walls and I'd be okay. Those walls are important to me. Then again, that hasn't mattered to you in a while. You gave away my dog... My baby. MY dog. You threatened it for three years, promised that when you finally did, you'd tell me so I could say good bye. Did you keep your promise? No. Secondly, do you know how hard it is to have your mother turn her back on you? I mean, do you REALLY know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to have your brother SLICE his fucking thumb open so severely you can see the bone, but when you call your MOTHER to come take him to the hospital because he really does need stitches, she doesn't answer because she's too wrapped up with her boyfriend to give a shit? Do you know what it's like to have your mother try and convince you that having sex with a few guys before you get married so you "know what you're doing" is the best way to go? Do you know what it's like to have your mother disrespect your values and just blatantly not care? Because I do. I know what it's like for you to just not give a shit. For you to pick your stupid boyfriend over your children. To sit there with my brother trying to get him to stop bleeding, to stop panicking long enough so I can get him to sit down so he doesn't throw up or pass out. I had to call Tammy and wake her up in the middle of the night. Guess what she said: "I'll be right over". Our AUNT came to us at midnight because our mother wasn't answering her phone because her boyfriend is obviously more important and my brother was bleeding. I do know what it's like for my mother to tell me, after I've repeated said time and time again that it's important to me to wait to have sex until I'm married; that I don't want to sleep with a few guys for the practice. I know what it's all like. So how dare you call and expect me to answer. You can call all you want to, because there won't be a day I'll pick up. Especially when you can't even leave a message. It really must not be that important if you can't do something as simple as that.

Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

So, it's decidedly James... I mean, not a lot could make much more sense than that. It's funny to think back. To think about all that's gone on in almost five and a half years. There've been other guys, there have been other girls, but none like him. I just saw the blog I wrote back in... March? either that or late February-- about my just writing to people and saying what I needed to. I was so utterly confused back then and, until a couple of weeks ago, it seemed like it'd be that way for a while. But God is so good and He answers EVERY question you ask.

It's easy to forget that especially it being the Spring season in my life. Especially when all of it gets pushed to the side and into the back of your mind... It's easy to not remember that. This Spring season seems to be different from the rest, though. I haven't walked as far away as I have previously. There have definitely been unique happenings this season compared to the others, but I'm slightly impressed. I do see the change, however. I notice the difference from the end of last year to now. The drive isn't there, the seeking isn't there, the connection on my end has lessened. I'm slowly trying to get that back. It's not going to take me until late July and early August to do it. There's no time like the present (:

When I think of my ideal future, when I have in the past few years at any point, I've wanted my boyfriend eventually fiance, eventually husband to be standing in church with me. I've wanted my kids to grow up in the church surround by a love they can't find anywhere else. It's funny because I've always known if it was James, I'd have that. I'm so excited for the future. So excited to have kids and raise them to know God from the moment they take their first breath. I don't want them to feel like any part of their lives was lesser because it was without Him.

Which reminds me of two things: the first being the initial questions Angela, Stephanie, Amy and the rest ask about whatever guy it is I'm telling them about. The second being the plan for the next year as I'd like it to play out (: You can believe there's going to be a lot of prayer to help hopefully get this to happen.

The check list... The first thing they ask me when I'm telling them about a guy beyond the "What's his name?" and all the generics are "Does he believe in God?" Happily, I can say yes. lol Which sounds silly, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited that last year when all of my mission trip hype started coming about, he was interested in them and said he'd like to do that. ((This is probably why when the girl that apparently likes him a whole bunch asked him to go to Africa with her for a mission trip, it bugged me. Not that I told him or said anything about it, butttttttttt it definitely did)) I LOVE that he's open to them and wants to go because quite frankly, I see that being a BIG part of my life in the future and since he's going to be part of it as well, it's good that he wants that.

I just realized I said excited a lot in this last paragraph... Apparently I need to pull out a thesaurus and start reading synonyms for freakin EXCITED!

Second part is the way my next year would happen if I could say so. First would be that I'd get this job at the summer camp. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to do it and I'm definitely going to be sad if it doesn't work out. I love that it's a Christian camp and there IS worship every single day. I'm sure there's a whole lot else that'll be centered around and focused on God, so it'd be amazing to be hanging with kids all day long while being completely surrounded by Him. The other would be that the rest of my dumb application for the DTS would get finished... I guess I'm the only one to blame for it not being completed yet, but I'm a little lost. I should probably ask my dad for help since he's pretty snazzy like that. The thing I'm most concerned about is the background check. Cause I don't really know how to go about getting that andddd it HAS to be in for my application to be considered complete and for them to either accept or reject me. The other thing I'm freaked about is the money, BUT, I know, if God wants you there, He'll figure it out. Cross your fingers and PRAY HARD. haha SO, summer camp job, LEAVING FOR AUSTRALIA in mid September... I guess it'd be closer to the end, so more like the twenty fifth or something along those lines. Although, maybe you're not allowed to be there two weeks early? That'll be one question to ask if I get accepted. OOOOOO. I just realized that if I get the summer camp job, the pay I'll get from that could buy my plane ticket. SNAZZY! bahahaha Apparently I like the word snazzy as well. I've used it twice so far. The DTS would get over at the very end of March or the beginning of April of 2010. The plan is for James to come over there, he and I will go explore for a little while by ourselves and then, like I said if all goes as I'd like it to, Kelly and Shaun will fly in and meet us somewhere in Australia. Maybe in Perth, maybe in Sydney, maybe in a different location... Shaun said he has an uncle that lives in Australia that he's never met before. I don't remember where he is off the top of my head, but if I saw it, I'd be able to say that's what it was. We'll hang out in Australia all together for a few days or a week depending. Then, we'll fly to California for maybe three or four days and go to flippin DISNEYLAND. None of us have been. My dad's been with my aunts, but they called it an "adult trip" and said kids weren't allowed. SOOOOOOOOOOO we didn't get to go. It'd be nice to go play around (: Then we'll fly to Las Vegas to go get Brittany and Melissa if she, at that point, decides she'd like to move as well. We'd road trip from Las Vegas back here to lovely Seattle and hang out for a few weeks cause this is where I live and where both Kelly and Shaun are from. Well, Kelly's from a few places, but before moving to Texas, she lived up here. James and Brittany at least will get to meet everyone, Kelly and Shaun will get to visit. Thennnnnnn, myself, Brittany and James are headed to Portland. Kelly has said she and Shaun will come as well so they can get us all moved in (: Cause, believe it or not, I'm moving to Portland whether any of the rest of this happens. Nicole's going to school at the Western Culinary Institute and the only location is in Orgeon. I'd like to move, Brittany wants to move, we're all best friends and we figured WHY NOT!? Oh jeez. I just realized! If we're going to be in Cali, this means we MUST see Kortney :D As if I couldn't be excited enough for the next three hundred and sixty five days! haha I don't know what James is doing after that, although my assumption would be he's not just going to want to leave me alone and be all "Imma go here" haha He has an entire year to figure it out, so I'm not too worried. The only thing I really need to worry about is where we'll be living... Rent a house? Rent an apartment? We shall see (: Myself, Brittany and Nicole have decided that we do want a dog or two. Which I'm looking forward to ((BAM! I found an alternative to excited! lmao)) After the rest of all of this and past much more than what I've said, it's up in the air and we shall see what happens!

Three hours after I posted the blog the from last night, you randomly decided to talk to me. "I'm sure you'll random decide to come back into my life soon" Yep. Apparently it was sooner than I thought. The weird thing was that I wasn't in a good mood and you just started talking to me and this weird calm feeling started to settle in. I've always felt amazingly comfortable telling you pretty much anything. In no certain way and meaning nothing in particular, I do think about you every day. I don't want you out of my life no matter where either of us ends up.

I'm cold kinda... Which is weird for me cause I'm rarely ever cold. I don't mind it as much as I mind being too hot, so I guess I'm fine.

Speaking of being hot, I don't know what it is, if it's anything, or what it means, if anything, but the palms of my hands get hot when I'm worshipping or doing something in line with God. I kinda want to ask someone about it, but I don't know who.

I'm not sending myself to you... I'm not coming to visit so you can see if there's something between us. It's not going to be a good thing for you and it's not going to do me any good either.

You wouldn't be able to stop me from going to Australia even if it wasn't for a mission trip and wasn't "God's work" as you said. I could be going for a month long vacation and I'd still probably pick it over you.

Thinking back now, could you feel the same? You gotta let me know. I'm dying inside to know

I think it's funny I felt the need to quote that song and that particular line. When it played through, I felt it connect with something, but I don't know why or who and what situation.

Paralyzed by the same old antics. Back and forth like some walking spastic.

This song is pretty snazzy (: I've missed it.

You are THE person holding me back from just letting go and telling James that he's the everything. I don't know what it is about you. Maybe it's just me being all attatched and not letting it go? I don't know... There's just some strange pull towards you and one very random attraction. I also don't think you want to even figure it out or try, so that's the other part to this. That's why it screws me up so much when you leave and come back... Not that I don't want you to.

Man eater, make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want all of her love

Yepppppp. That's my lovely nickname. Man eater. Gotta love it, I guess?

Sometimes to know who you are, you have to know who you're not.

I'm such a little theif. haha

What am I not?
I'm not a drug addict...
I'm not my mother.
Or my father.
I'm not a drunk.
Or a dependent.
I'm not the light of your world,
Or the answer to your life.
I'm not consistent.
I'm not who you want me to be.
I'm not your future step daughter,
Or your biggest fan.
I'm not a Christian.
I'm not patient.
I'm not organized...
I'm not you.


So who am I?
I mean, if I'm not those things, what does that make me?
I'm not my mother or my father or you,
But parts of me came from those places.
I'm not a drug addict,
But I recently decided getting high would be a good thing to try.
I'm not a drunk,
But I drink more than I want to.
Which means two nights in a row... For the first time in months and months and months.
I'm not a dependent,
But I need certain things and people in my life... Like chapstick and my best friends.
I'm not the light of your world or the answer to your life,
But you seem to want me as such and I'm not sure why... Your happiness won't come from me and could never.
I'm not consistent,
But I don't think it's always a bad thing.
I'm not who you want me to be...
Because I don't like who you want me to be. If I'm that person, my life becomes fake.
I'm not your future step daughter or your biggest fan,
Because I can't stand how you've rocked my life in the worst way.
I'm not a Christian,
Because I don't want those limitations... I don't want you telling me how I should have faith.
But I love God and I love Jesus.
I'm not patient,
Because I have some strange need for almost instant gratification.
I'm not organized by your standards,
But things make sense to me.
I'm not you.
And I don't want to be.




A week ago was Mother's Day... I didn't see you. Your boyfriend took you out of town. Told you you'd be back in time... When did you REALLY get back? Tuesday. Would you having been in town made a difference and made me see you? Probably not... So I guess it doesn't really matter where exactly you were. Just that the man who supposedly "loves" you and wants to "marry" you likes to lie to you, trick you and take you away from your children every chance he gets. Good catch, mom. You sure know how to pick 'em.

I'm pretty angry lately.
Pretty confused too.

You called me and I didn't pick up because I don't know why you decided that NOW was a great time to be in my life. You don't care, so I'm not sure why I should.

You got pissed off at me because I drank your fucking pop. POP. It costs a dollar and some freakin change and you BLEW UP on me over it. Which then lead to you telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I'm basically failing at life. Thanks. It felt great. I love being woken up after an hour of sleep to be told what a failure I am.

I'm impatient... You said something, I responded, now you're not talking. Insignificant, but it's bugging me right this second.

I'm liking my blue Smart Mass. It's keeping me entertained when I'm not typing and helping me to not do something else. What the else would be, I don't know. It's just stopping me.

I sound like I'm depressed. Which is stupid because I'm not. I also sound like a big complainer. Maybe because I actually am.

I hate how when I try to vent, it happens to be on the same subject that I normally just want to talk about and work through, so I never get to the end of it because I'm sure it's annoying... Which leaves me feeling just as confused about it as before.

One Voice to End Slavery... I bought the jacket when we had our rally back in March... Both my brothers have, in comment to the jacket, scoffed and said "What slavery?" then told me I'm ridiculous and tried making a joke out of it when I start trying to tell them.

This Spring season is no different than any other Spring season. Sorry, Amy, I lied. You asked me how it was going and I told you it was good. I haven't been to youth group in probably close to two months and I'm going to church about once or twice a month. I drank on Friday, drank and smoked on Saturday... I still feel disconnected like I do every year at this time. I'm probably bringing it on myself by thinking about it and expecting it, but it's happening like it always does.

I feel like a bitch for getting annoyed that you weren't responding. Your parents were arguing and I knew it, but I was just too peeved that you weren't saying anything.

You don't talk to me at all anymore and it pretty much sucks. I hate feeling dropped and I also hate how I'm sure you'll randomly come back into my life soon. If only you knew the waves it caused...

I can't believe you told me it's about time I married you... Again. I mean, we've had the whole "let's get married and be together forever" talk more times than I can count, but I just can't believe you said it. We haven't talked like that in almost a year. It definitely caught me off guard. I can still see that happening, but I don't want to rush in and start a life with you and just have it not work leaving both of us divorced. I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't want to have to try to find my one true love in the middle of my life. I want to find them while I'm young and before I try starting a family and living my life. I love you, though, whole heartedly. Chris said it's about finding the person you're willing to take the risk with. I think you're worth it, but I'm just way cautious.

Maybe I like you just a tad more than I let on, but I'm completely aware that nothing is going to come of anything with you. I was being sarcastic the other day and thought you would catch that, but apparently you didn't. I'm sorry you've gotten attatched and have some strange feelings towards me now.

I really like the sound of the rain outside. I liked it more earlier when it was first starting to drizzle and you could smell the fresh rain hitting the pavement.

I need to vacuum really bad. It's seven forty, though, and I have at least two hours, maybe two and a half, until my dad's home. So I'm putting it off. Did I mention I'm a huge procrastinator?

Speaking of procrastination... I really need to get my Australia application finished and turned in. My dad needs to stop thinking that I just think things sound nice and that I'm not serious about doing this.

Speaking of Australia, yes, I'd pick it over you. I'd pick going on my mission trip to Australia over most things and people. It's THAT important to me. There's another reason we'd never work out... You don't seem to understand that.

TASHA MCCOY! I miss you so dearly. Just thought I'd throw that out there... I miss our random hour conversations that are completely about us figuring things out and working through whatever. I love that you're in my life. I love that it's been a year and... Three months? since we met and I feel like I've known you most of my life.

There's a Spice Girls remix playing on my radio right now... If I wasn't in such an odd mood, this would make me laugh.

I've lost like twenty pounds or so in the past few weeks from the sheer lack of eating. I haven't really been THAT hungry and there hasn't been much more than cup o noodle in my house to eat.

I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, I just wanna shake my butt ::clap clap clap clap::

Yes, that just happened.

My cousin deals weed. It's interesting.

I really miss Kelly. I haven't talked to her in at least a month and it really sucks.

Bertha won't tell me why he's not happy. Well, he's just not texting me back in general. Which is annoying. Which is also funny because I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in anyone's life and I definitely don't think people should act as such.

Bertha's a dude, to clarify. His real name is Nick. How he got Bertha is another story...

God hangs out in the back of my mind. I'd like to move forward and continue to grow, but I stop. Somehow I'm still uncomfortable with stepping out of my box. Go figure.

My potty mouth is fully back. It kinda disgusts me...

I think the whole world should play The Sandwich Game with me. It'd be hilarious.

People have been commenting on my laugh and my voice a lot lately... Not in a bad way, they like it. I just think it's weird and I don't really get why they like either. I'm flattered, though. I'm glad hearing me doesn't gross you out :D

BERTHA TEXT BACK.

I've had a few truth box comments from last month saying how I calm them down and I'm calming to be around and I'm soothing and intoxicating. That's even more strange than the laugh/voice thing because I'm one of the most hyped up and loud people you'll probably ever encounter. To be calming to someone is just strange to me.

I still need to talk to Ben Dixon... Megan Forbes had mentioned the gift of prophecy to me at the One Voice rally and said I should talk to him about it and see where things lead. Not sure what to think of it or what it means.

I accidentally typed 'tit' while I was writing 'it' and laughed a little inside. This is how ridiculous I am.

Speaking of the One Voice rally, I met a girl that night who told me I was made for greatness. Pretty freakin intense if you ask me.

Not gonna lie, bouncing off that statement and thought, I feel pretty lame for the way my life is going now. I'm not doing anything I'm capable of or should be doing and I feel a little useless.

Recently, the thought that I miss my mother has been in my head a lot. I'm sure I do miss her, I just won't admit it and I won't do anything about it. In all honesty, I don't want to care about her, I don't want to miss her, I don't want to talk about her, think about her, talk to her or be in her life. I want her as far away as possible until she can grow up.

I don't know where your recent switch came from, but I'm loving it. It's like we went back to whatever we were in January and the beginnin

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

Tashie, the things you find and say always amaze me and tonight was no different!

Faith in Jesus:
the leaning of your entire human personality on Him in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdowm and goodness.

Colossians 1:4-5 (Amplified Bible)

Completely incredible. I mean, think about that! Leaning your entirety on Him. Absolutely trusting in His power and His wisdom and His goodness. What a life that would be. What a friendship and what a love.



That wasn't even where I was going to go with this tonight... lol But I came across that and just had to keep it, love it and comment on it.
Where I was originally going with this was my amazement for people and their perceptions of me as well as their relationships with me. It sounds silly, but there's a little cartoon picture that's been going around on Facebook. They're cute little creatures and they all have labels.. Things like "Stylish, gangster, the tower, the jock, drama queen, princess, etc." Well, one of the ones on there is "Good little church girl". I've been tagged by friends on this picture three times so far and two of them gave me that label. It made me think... I remember the first time I saw that from Janine and I was actually quite surprised. I've never considered myself the good little church girl before; there's actually quite a few people I would list before me as well. Then Amanda Schumacher tagged me as the same thing-- once agan surprising me. I'm actually pretty flattered that I get that label and tag. It's funny because when I saw them both, I immediately thought of all the things that could disqualify me from that title; drinking habits from last year, attitudes, snarky-ness, the ability to be harsh, crude and rude. Then I was stopped and it occured to me that, Janine especially recently, knows about all of those things and still picked me. Amanda's known me for at least a good five and a half years, so she absolutely knows about the the end of that list. They've both seen me at my worst, but that is obviously not who they see now. I am SO glad that it's not.
Speaking of, Brian McMahon said something similar. This past Wednesday at The Young, we were told about next week being the split off. Junior high in one room, senior high in another and it'd be a time to talk about thing relevant and appropriate to the ages. We'll be splitting off into small groups at some point as well. Brian had asked leaders to think about coming over to the JH. He said he knows that people are automatically drawn to the high schoolers because they know that God is going to be there, but asked to be considering it. After the night was over, I was sitting in the sound booth sorting out Identity, Prayer and The Young cards. Brian came and asked me specifically if I would come over, I told him that, for now, that seemed like a good idea. He started talking about how proud he was to be seeing me grow; that everyone could see it, especially in the past six months. In that second, I flashed back to when six months would have been... August. The end of my partying and drinking. The beginning of this whole new journey I've been trying to get on to for years. Camp was in the beginning of that month and I was called out quite a few times. I remember Phil's better than anyone else's, though: "You need to step it up. This is the life you should be living, not the one you have been. I want you to be a leader and I see big things for you, but you need to get it together" was the gist of it. That's stuck with me since. So, to hear that they can actually see me changing was such a huge encouragement and I honestly don't think I've stopped smiling about it since.
I love where I'm headed. I absolutely love who I am right now and even more so who I'm becoming.

Funny thing, all of this is a digression of what I actually had wanted to say (: I'm good at that.
SO! The thought occurred to me today that people feel oddly comfortable with me. Like, people that don't like to open up, people who like to stay closed off, hardened people who shut the world out, let me in and find comfort in who I am. By no means could I even take credit for this... It's all God, but I just couldn't help but notice how true that actually is. Like Josh, for example. He has a tight group of good friends-- there's probably about ten or fifteen including some family members. He's lost faith in the human race and I can't even come close to blaming him for it. He's mentioned before how little he trusts girls/females/women whatever you want to call us ((lol)). He's said how hard it is. Yet he's also said that I'm one of the few girls he feels comfortable with and can trust and be open with and just be chill. Tookie... It actually surprised me today to read her Myspace survey that said she's closed off and guarded to people because I don't ever remember having a problem getting to know her or getting close to her or having her let me in. Come to think of it, I can't exactly think of many people that have been all that closed off to me. I just think it's funny. Not funny ha ha, obviously, but funny in an odd way that makes me wonder and leaves me in awe. I love that people feel okay with me and being open with me and sharing. I don't know exactly what it is that makes peoplet trust me, I don't have any idea why they feel so comfortable, but I am so beyond grateful for it.



Random things popping in my head:
"Glory to You in the highest place"
"You don't owe anything to this world; you are free. God wants to be your best friend."
"I'll remember Your unfailing love and that is why I'm not consumed and your compassions never fail, oh they are constantly renewed and I say You are my portion, therefore I will wait on You, Lord."
"All of my life, in every season, you are still God... I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."
"My Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. Forever the author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave."
"So, shine your light and let the whole world see we're singin' for the glory of the risen King."
"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours."
"Shout out His name and He will run to you"
"I have found a strength that stands like a mountain. I have found a love that lights up every room."



Glory to You in the highest, Jesus.
Thank you (:

Say what you need to say...

I'm a firm believer in writing things out.. Yet, I somehow fail to do it as often as I should. A few weeks ago, I felt the need to just write to different people. Write positives, write negatives, just write... Well, I never did that. I was going to get a good head start on what's sure to be the longest blog I ever have written and probably ever will write, but the pain in my legs doesn't seem to be going away making sleep the hopeful cure. I figured, though, that'd I'd list names.. Or start listing names. That way, I don't forget to say what I need to say to people -- even if they'll never see this.

Nicole
Josh
Tashie
Mom
Kimmie
Kelsey
Kelly
Justin
James
Jordan
Kelsey Lee
Tiffany Lee
Dad
Noel
Ruth
Anyone else...
God
Ken



And now to actually write. I guess I'll just start from the top of the list and go down..?

Nicole, you're my little God send. You're my best friend. While I have others who I would consider the same, you're pretty much my one best friend right now. You just get me in this weird way. I don't need to say anything, I don't need to explain myself, you just understand. I love you for that. I love you for being crazy and stupid with me, for our inappropriate inside joke, for who you are, for making me your wedding planner (: I'm so grateful you're in my life. Soooooooooooooo grateful.
Josh, I feel like I keep writing to you or about you or talking about you. I don't know what happened. I don't know where the flip came from and I don't know why, but it's really frustrating to not understand. I was reading a blog I posted on December 10th... It was about you and how insanely happy you made me. I realized I got to be in that completely blissed out state for longer than I thought it was.. I thought it had been maybe a month or so... Maybe a month and a half. But it was closer to two or two and a half months that I felt incredible. I keep running things through my head trying to figure out where it all turned, but I can't find it. I know there's more to you being in my life and I know this isn't even close to over, but I also know this isn't where it's supposed to be. Where that exact place is, I'm not quite sure. You have no idea how much this is driving me crazy... All of it. The not talking to you, the distance, the shortness, the lack of connection. It just really sucks.
Tashie, I can't believe we've only known each other for almost a year. I feel like I've known you for at least ten! It seems insane to me that I've only seen you that one time in person, yet we're such good friends. Whether or not you realize, you play a pretty big part in my life. I have a lot to thank you for.. Like realizations about myself, who God is and who I'm made to be. I miss talking to you. In talking to you, it just seems like things become a whole lot clearer. The frustrations I have about life find meanings and answers... Goals, hopes and dreams find shelter in your encouragement. I'm still trying to grasp that it's only been a year. I honestly could never imagine my life without you in it. You're like my little life refresher. You manage, a lot of times, to say things that I can't get out. You find ways to pull things out of me that need to be worked through. You somehow help me, not only want to make me be better, but you help get me there. I love you so much. I adore you, respect you and admire who you are. Thank you for this year. Thank you for our strange connection and for helping me in ways I'm sure neither of us are fully aware of.
Mom, you still frustrate me... You're still so consumed by him. You're still changed... Not the mom I knew. Our relationship STILL holds me back. I wish I could just let it go. I wish that I could pretend like none of it ever happened and like we were okay. I wish we had one of those relationships where I could actually trust you, because, to be honest, I really don't trust you all that much. I don't trust your judgement, I don't trust your actions and I don't trust you with who I am. I don't trust you with my heart or the things that make me, me. You can call it disrespectful, but I can't help it. It's hard to know that you, my mom, doesn't know me. You really don't have a clue who I am. It sucks a lot. I battle with myself over what to do. I know I need to fix this. I know we need to change... But part of me is perfectly content with not having the relationship that I've never had with you. Part of me is okay with rarely seeing you or talking to you... I don't feel like reaching out either. Sometimes I do... Sometimes I think about the night I moved out; like I am right now. It still makes me cry. I came to dad's that night, brought some of my things up the stairs and into the apartment... I came into "my room" and cried. I cried for a while that night. It took me a while to get used to waking up here. I still don't think it's familiar. I don't wake up with the feeling like I'm somewhere foreign any more, but I also don't feel at home. It's hard not having a mom. I'm sick of crying over you. I'm sick of putting on a face when I talk about you to other people. I'm tired of empty promises, tired of not being able to trust you. I'm so sick and tired of having to pretend like things are okay when I see you.. Of walking on egg shells. One of these days I hope things change.
Kimmie, my Shunshine. I love you and I'm so thankful for you. It's refreshing to be around you and to hang out. I love that you know me and I love that it's just easy to do whatever when we're together. Thank you for being my Kimmie. Thank you for everything that you do for me.
Kelsey, I don't even know where we stand. I don't know what we are or what we should do. I am still sorry for what I said, but I am not sorry for telling you that it was not the way you remember. I'm not sorry that I have a completely different recollection of what happened and then that caused everything to spiral downwards. I don't understand why I needed to say that you were right and I was wrong in order for things to be okay again. I don't know why it had to come down to that. I said I was sorry, I continued to say I was sorry and I will still say that I am sorry for what I said and the way it came out. It's been almost two months since that one night and it has completely changed our relationship. It sucks big time.. I miss you, I love you and I hope things can be fixed.
Kelly, well, I don't really have anything specific to say to you. lol I love you. I'm sorry we've only talked twice in the past month and a half. I'm sorry that it's just been blah. I miss you and I'm so glad you're gonna be home soon. Deja vu... That was weird. haha ANYWAYS! I can't wait to see you. DANGIT! I just realized I still need to call mom... Oops :D I can't wait to tackle you and hug you and cry like a big baby with you!
Justin, I go back and forth between being so utterly annoyed with you and just completely dumb founded that we dated and at everything that happened to still wanting you in my life. Sometimes I want you to be my friend. Sometimes I wish you weren't so awkward so we could actually do so. Most of the time, though, I'm just annoyed with you and everything you've done. I feel bad for Tiffany because I'm quite sure she's going to end up alone and heart broken just like Kelsey and I. YEP. I broke up with you, I remember. But you were the one that made a whole crap load of empty promises. A waste of forevers.. Whatever, I guess. Maybe one day you'll be honest with yourself. Although, maybe you're already at that stage? I don't know... I feel like you're just lying to everyone. Who knows. I still don't understand the point in keeping contact with my friends... Kimmie especially. I don't get why you need to talk to her. I don't get why, when ANYONE brings me up, you get fujibitty. I don't understand why you can't just talk to me and be normal about things... Why is that so hard? No one said we needed to be enemies. In fact, I'd rather we weren't. But you just make things so freakin weird and awkward whenever I try to talk to you. Stop it.
James, I don't know what to do with you. I don't know where you fit in to my life, I don't know where you will fall into my life years from now. I don't know why I'm so concentrated on figuring it out, but I have no idea if you're it and I wish I did. I wish, at least, if I knew it was you or if it wasn't. If it's not, I'd rather figure it out sooner than later. I don't want to hurt you, but I constantly feel like that's where this path is headed. I just don't know any more. It's so hard... I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you. How cliche does that sound!? AWESOME. I want you to be happy bubaloo. I want to know if it's you or not so that, if it isn't, you can stop thinking it's me and find your girl. I know I'd be happy with you... I know I'd be satisfied and content, but is that enough?
Jordan, who knows... You're in New Hampshire now and it kinda feels like the door that had been cracked open for us is now closed again. Once again, who knows. I somehow never discount you in my trying to figure things out.. I still compare other guys to you and who you were when we dated -- even though that was almost four years ago. It probably isn't you, but I, for some reason, never leave you out. I guess we'll see? Maybe one day we'll go get you that rocket ship I owe you. With lasers, of course.
Kelsey Lee, yeah.. I used to hate you so completely and entirely. I despised every aspect of your life and I could not stand to even think about you. I still find myself reverting back to that sometimes.. Not so intensely, but I still feel myself being juvenile and being annoyed by you talking to me. It's funny that I'm glad you came in when you did now... I wonder where I'd be if it weren't for you doing so.. How things with Justin would've gone... If it would be me he cheated on, not you. Or if we'd still be together. So many things to wonder, so many things that will never have answers. But thank you for saving me from whatever it could've been.
Tiffany Lee, you have no idea at all who you're engaged to. Speak of the devil, there's your fiance texting me! Lovely... I don't think you know the real Justin. There's no way you can. If you do, well, I'm sorry. Because he's not the Justin I dated. For the most part, he was amazing when we were together, but he is certainly not that guy today. You are going to get your heart smashed to pieces if you stay with him. He quite possibly could and will cheat on you. There's nothing to say he won't... He cheated on Kelsey and was saying everything to her and about her that he's saying to you. I think it's ridiculous that you started dating him while he was with someone else and then after that continued to be with him, but, I have no right to pass judgement. I wish you the best of luck dating him...
Dad, I don't even think I can say anything to you... I saw your name was next and my insides froze. I love you, but you're frustrating. I'm not your maid, I'm not your slave, I'm not your wife. Please don't treat me as such. I don't not respect you, but the reason I don't do half the things you want me to is because you treat me like it's my job. It's mostly your mess in this place... And while I don't necessarily mind cleaning the apartment once in a while and then picking up after myself, I do have a problem with feeling like it's my job to clean up after you. Thank you for letting me live here, for feeding me and all of that, even if you get annoyed with me and I with you.
Noel, I kinda feel bad for talking to you... It started out as something so wrong. Falling back into the category of when I was, what Rosie had named me, a man eater. Now I just don't really have feelings for you in either way? It's pretty much neutral, I guess. I still don't get you sometimes and you're definitely an odd one who's sometimes not appropriate, but I'm sorry for the original intentions.
Ruth, wowowowowowowow. I'm not the bad guy and I'm certainly not evil. You cannot blame me for the problems you have with your friends. You can't tell me it's my fault you two fought so much or "broke up" so many times... I never made you talk about people behind their backs. As innocent as you play, you did it to all of us. Some days I genuinely miss you and the fun times we had, but you were the one that decided we couldn't be friends.. Because of something going on between you and Kimmie...? That's just stupid... But, it's your choice.
((Flipping the order))Ken, I still despise you. I still hate you for everything you've taken away from my family. You've completely changed our lives and flipped everything upside down. I honestly don't see a day when I can forgive you, even though I know there needs to be one. You've taken our mom from us. You've taken her job, her friends, her life. You proposed to her and then you guys broke up AGAIN. You've made her cry more times than I've ever seen, heard of or known about in my entire life prior to you walking into it. Excuse me, forced would probably be a better choice. You badgered her until she said yes. As mean as it is, I really just want to say "No wonder Matt moved out". I pray for the day you leave for good. I hope and pray for the day you never come walking back into our lives. I pray it's soon. I pray you never get to become the person I know you can become; possessive and abusive. I pray for you to just leave.
God, I'm speechless. Even with all these things in my heart, you still continue to love me. You continue to give me hope and give me a life filled with beautiful things. When it comes down to it, I honestly do know that you're all I need. I could have nothing left in this world but you and that would be okay. I know you've got me in your hands. I know there's a reason for everything and I know it's all going to work out. Sometimes I wish I could have answers.. Like now (: That would be nice.. But I have to remember you do things on YOUR time, not mine. Thank you for my life. Thank you for giving me this life. Thank you for never forcing me to do anything, but telling me which way is the right one to go. Thank you for this world; for the ocean, the sun, the moon and the stars-- oh, the stars. They're such beauty and magic and You. We have been named, numbered and accounted for. You remember each of us in the stars in the sky. I fall a lot. I fail a lot. I stumble a lot. I know I can count on you, though, to pick me up every single time. Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the frustrations and the pains and the heart aches and breaks. Thank you for the joys, the laughter and the love, especially. Thank you for giving up your son so that I could live this life I take for granted. I wish everyone knew you... Saw how amazing and incredible you really are. I wish everyone could experience you. Thank you for never giving up. Please fight for me even when I have stopped fighting for you. Thank you for saying you will even before I finished that sentence. Thank you for my gifts and for who I am.