Sometimes to know who you are, you have to know who you're not.

I'm such a little theif. haha

What am I not?
I'm not a drug addict...
I'm not my mother.
Or my father.
I'm not a drunk.
Or a dependent.
I'm not the light of your world,
Or the answer to your life.
I'm not consistent.
I'm not who you want me to be.
I'm not your future step daughter,
Or your biggest fan.
I'm not a Christian.
I'm not patient.
I'm not organized...
I'm not you.


So who am I?
I mean, if I'm not those things, what does that make me?
I'm not my mother or my father or you,
But parts of me came from those places.
I'm not a drug addict,
But I recently decided getting high would be a good thing to try.
I'm not a drunk,
But I drink more than I want to.
Which means two nights in a row... For the first time in months and months and months.
I'm not a dependent,
But I need certain things and people in my life... Like chapstick and my best friends.
I'm not the light of your world or the answer to your life,
But you seem to want me as such and I'm not sure why... Your happiness won't come from me and could never.
I'm not consistent,
But I don't think it's always a bad thing.
I'm not who you want me to be...
Because I don't like who you want me to be. If I'm that person, my life becomes fake.
I'm not your future step daughter or your biggest fan,
Because I can't stand how you've rocked my life in the worst way.
I'm not a Christian,
Because I don't want those limitations... I don't want you telling me how I should have faith.
But I love God and I love Jesus.
I'm not patient,
Because I have some strange need for almost instant gratification.
I'm not organized by your standards,
But things make sense to me.
I'm not you.
And I don't want to be.




A week ago was Mother's Day... I didn't see you. Your boyfriend took you out of town. Told you you'd be back in time... When did you REALLY get back? Tuesday. Would you having been in town made a difference and made me see you? Probably not... So I guess it doesn't really matter where exactly you were. Just that the man who supposedly "loves" you and wants to "marry" you likes to lie to you, trick you and take you away from your children every chance he gets. Good catch, mom. You sure know how to pick 'em.

I'm pretty angry lately.
Pretty confused too.

You called me and I didn't pick up because I don't know why you decided that NOW was a great time to be in my life. You don't care, so I'm not sure why I should.

You got pissed off at me because I drank your fucking pop. POP. It costs a dollar and some freakin change and you BLEW UP on me over it. Which then lead to you telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I'm basically failing at life. Thanks. It felt great. I love being woken up after an hour of sleep to be told what a failure I am.

I'm impatient... You said something, I responded, now you're not talking. Insignificant, but it's bugging me right this second.

I'm liking my blue Smart Mass. It's keeping me entertained when I'm not typing and helping me to not do something else. What the else would be, I don't know. It's just stopping me.

I sound like I'm depressed. Which is stupid because I'm not. I also sound like a big complainer. Maybe because I actually am.

I hate how when I try to vent, it happens to be on the same subject that I normally just want to talk about and work through, so I never get to the end of it because I'm sure it's annoying... Which leaves me feeling just as confused about it as before.

One Voice to End Slavery... I bought the jacket when we had our rally back in March... Both my brothers have, in comment to the jacket, scoffed and said "What slavery?" then told me I'm ridiculous and tried making a joke out of it when I start trying to tell them.

This Spring season is no different than any other Spring season. Sorry, Amy, I lied. You asked me how it was going and I told you it was good. I haven't been to youth group in probably close to two months and I'm going to church about once or twice a month. I drank on Friday, drank and smoked on Saturday... I still feel disconnected like I do every year at this time. I'm probably bringing it on myself by thinking about it and expecting it, but it's happening like it always does.

I feel like a bitch for getting annoyed that you weren't responding. Your parents were arguing and I knew it, but I was just too peeved that you weren't saying anything.

You don't talk to me at all anymore and it pretty much sucks. I hate feeling dropped and I also hate how I'm sure you'll randomly come back into my life soon. If only you knew the waves it caused...

I can't believe you told me it's about time I married you... Again. I mean, we've had the whole "let's get married and be together forever" talk more times than I can count, but I just can't believe you said it. We haven't talked like that in almost a year. It definitely caught me off guard. I can still see that happening, but I don't want to rush in and start a life with you and just have it not work leaving both of us divorced. I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't want to have to try to find my one true love in the middle of my life. I want to find them while I'm young and before I try starting a family and living my life. I love you, though, whole heartedly. Chris said it's about finding the person you're willing to take the risk with. I think you're worth it, but I'm just way cautious.

Maybe I like you just a tad more than I let on, but I'm completely aware that nothing is going to come of anything with you. I was being sarcastic the other day and thought you would catch that, but apparently you didn't. I'm sorry you've gotten attatched and have some strange feelings towards me now.

I really like the sound of the rain outside. I liked it more earlier when it was first starting to drizzle and you could smell the fresh rain hitting the pavement.

I need to vacuum really bad. It's seven forty, though, and I have at least two hours, maybe two and a half, until my dad's home. So I'm putting it off. Did I mention I'm a huge procrastinator?

Speaking of procrastination... I really need to get my Australia application finished and turned in. My dad needs to stop thinking that I just think things sound nice and that I'm not serious about doing this.

Speaking of Australia, yes, I'd pick it over you. I'd pick going on my mission trip to Australia over most things and people. It's THAT important to me. There's another reason we'd never work out... You don't seem to understand that.

TASHA MCCOY! I miss you so dearly. Just thought I'd throw that out there... I miss our random hour conversations that are completely about us figuring things out and working through whatever. I love that you're in my life. I love that it's been a year and... Three months? since we met and I feel like I've known you most of my life.

There's a Spice Girls remix playing on my radio right now... If I wasn't in such an odd mood, this would make me laugh.

I've lost like twenty pounds or so in the past few weeks from the sheer lack of eating. I haven't really been THAT hungry and there hasn't been much more than cup o noodle in my house to eat.

I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, I just wanna shake my butt ::clap clap clap clap::

Yes, that just happened.

My cousin deals weed. It's interesting.

I really miss Kelly. I haven't talked to her in at least a month and it really sucks.

Bertha won't tell me why he's not happy. Well, he's just not texting me back in general. Which is annoying. Which is also funny because I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in anyone's life and I definitely don't think people should act as such.

Bertha's a dude, to clarify. His real name is Nick. How he got Bertha is another story...

God hangs out in the back of my mind. I'd like to move forward and continue to grow, but I stop. Somehow I'm still uncomfortable with stepping out of my box. Go figure.

My potty mouth is fully back. It kinda disgusts me...

I think the whole world should play The Sandwich Game with me. It'd be hilarious.

People have been commenting on my laugh and my voice a lot lately... Not in a bad way, they like it. I just think it's weird and I don't really get why they like either. I'm flattered, though. I'm glad hearing me doesn't gross you out :D

BERTHA TEXT BACK.

I've had a few truth box comments from last month saying how I calm them down and I'm calming to be around and I'm soothing and intoxicating. That's even more strange than the laugh/voice thing because I'm one of the most hyped up and loud people you'll probably ever encounter. To be calming to someone is just strange to me.

I still need to talk to Ben Dixon... Megan Forbes had mentioned the gift of prophecy to me at the One Voice rally and said I should talk to him about it and see where things lead. Not sure what to think of it or what it means.

I accidentally typed 'tit' while I was writing 'it' and laughed a little inside. This is how ridiculous I am.

Speaking of the One Voice rally, I met a girl that night who told me I was made for greatness. Pretty freakin intense if you ask me.

Not gonna lie, bouncing off that statement and thought, I feel pretty lame for the way my life is going now. I'm not doing anything I'm capable of or should be doing and I feel a little useless.

Recently, the thought that I miss my mother has been in my head a lot. I'm sure I do miss her, I just won't admit it and I won't do anything about it. In all honesty, I don't want to care about her, I don't want to miss her, I don't want to talk about her, think about her, talk to her or be in her life. I want her as far away as possible until she can grow up.