Drown me in love

I rode a camel today. It was a really weird experience... The hump wasn't too comfortable, but it was fun talking to the guy who was leading it around and hearing about his story with the camels-- they're his, by the way... Apparently he's from Oklahoma and he keeps camels to take around to different zoos for the summer months. It's a business he started with the son of a cattle rancher he grew up next to.

Often I'm trying to figure SOMETHING out about my future... Most of the time, it has to do with James or something of the sort. It was good to talk to Debra about everything today. We talked about relationships in general, marriages that are succeeding, marriages that have failed, her marriage, my parents, my future. One of the biggest things for me as I get older and get closer to that chapter of my life is the importance of not being unequally yolked. For Debra, she was when she got married. Her point, however, was that she didn't know you weren't supposed to be when you walked into something as monumental as your marriage; I do. She said that when we know something, when we're told something, informed of something, brought in on the story and we do the opposite, it's a disobedience problem. It's not an "Oh, I think we can make it anyways, it'll just take a lot of work" situation, it's a "I know this is what I'm NOT supposed to do and I'm just going to do it anyways". While I've heard a handful of success stories swirling in those circumstances, it is highly unlikely that this is a life experience I'm called to. For a number of reasons. Moving forward, I have no idea what this is going to mean. Well, I do as far as what I know as truth on how my marriage is called to be. I do not, obviously, know where this is going to take James as a person or us together. I guess we're back to the drawing board with it. Well, God's drawing board anyways. Maybe it's more like a felt board with little felt characters you can move around and put where you want... Either way, I have to figure out a way to give it back and let go of control. I HAVE to stop making promises I'm not %1000 sure I can keep.

Today ended with the Financial Peace University class. I've heard about this program before and I was completely disinterested and opposed to taking it. As God would have it, though, that was exactly where I landed tonight with Debra when we were running late coming back from the zoo. I've now decided to take the course. I don't have the $100 it costs for the materials, but I can sit in on the videos and participate and take my own notes, which is fine with me. I'm actually excited about it. This was only night one and the class is already beginning to transform how I think and feel about money, handling it and being RESPONSIBLE with it. This is going to be good for me. Everyone else has reading homework from the book that comes with the class resource kit... My homework, officially, is to write and send out my support letter before class next Tuesday. Amy will like that one (:

Love is unstoppable

I've been thinking about love a lot lately since Ken died a week ago today. My mom has said a lot of things to me multiple times in the past seven days, but the one she tells me and everyone she has the chance to is that when you find love, don't let it go. It's change some things inside of me a little and made me think A LOT. It's made me think about the past and the people I've loved and let go of. It's made me think about the people I love and have NOW and what they mean to me and how I show it. It's also made me think about the future and being fully in love somewhere down the line.

One of the other things that have been on my mind as a result is describing WHY you love someone. WHY do I love my best friends? Why do I love my other friends? Why have I loved James? Why could I love the other?
I think I always struggle to explain why I love someone.
I can list things off and tell you what you do to make me happy,
Or what you've done for me,
But it doesn't feel like it's enough to explain love.
I love you because I do.
I love you in spite of what you see to be shortcomings.
I love you for things you don't see in yourself.
I love you because we can laugh together
And cry together.
Because you're there for me when I just need to talk.
Because you get the thought I'm trying to express when I don't have the words.
Because you being in my life makes mine better.
Because I smile a lot more with you here.
Because you speak the words I didn't know I needed to hear
Or the words I needed to say but didn't know how.
Because despite our differences, you choose to stay in my life.
Not only that, but you choose to be there in a huge way.
I love you because you let me speak into your life.
I love you because there aren't boundaries or conditions for our relationship.
I just love you.
And that's the end of that one.

Guilt is poison

And suicide is selfish.

I've never had to lose someone. I've been alive for twenty years and I've never TRULY lost someone who was close to me. The people I did lose didn't leave unexpectedly. And we never had unfinished business.
All of this has now changed.
We've lost.
We've lost and now we have to find harmony amongst the discord.
You took yourself away.
You left HER.
And she's in pieces.

I don't know if I'll ever understand. I guess I just don't know how to understand. There have been times in my life when I thought about ending my own life, but I was always pulled out of that. I don't understand how you were so bad off. How were things so horrible? So horrible that you would be able to pull the trigger... I've replayed how I think your last moments must have been a few times now. Looking at the pictures of you with my mom in the happiest times of her life. Staring into the eyes of your son in the one picture you had out of him... How could you look at all of it and not change your mind? Death is permanent. You don't get to change your mind or take it back. It is the end and that's it.
I wish I could've been there to stop you.

I will never have the chance to look you in the face and tell you I stopped hating you. I'll never get the chance to have that conversation. I'd been wanting to let you know for months. We needed to have it. I'm sorry that I was bitter, stubborn and prideful.
I wish you would've known.

I don't know if this will ever truly and fully sink in...
These have been the most surreal days I've experienced so far.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make sense of this.

I hope you see how this is effecting all of us.
Her.
The boys.
All three of them.
Myself.
My sisters.
People you worked with.
Your family.
People you never got the chance to know.

I wish you would've stopped to see that it wasn't all bad... That there was a lot of good. There could've and would've been a lot more good to come.

This life is Yours and hope is rising

Wow. So 2009 is done... I can't actually believe that considering I still feel like it's August. There has been a lot that has happened and changed, yet not much at the same time. When 2009 started, I had a thing going with Josh. I was going to church, but was lost as far as what I was doing with myself. In April, I told James I didn't have feelings for him anymore. That happened to be the day before Jacob Chey Manginelli was born. All six pounds of him (: Scot Mortimer, BFL, also got married on the 18th of that month. Heidi got married in May and a week later, so did Annie and Justin. Apparently I was wrong, because James and I started dating again a little after that :D Not a whole lot happened over the summer. I struggled with myself some more and still felt lost in a sense, but I guess I wasn't doing much about it. I went to JC as a leader for the first time in August. A week prior to that, I signed on to The Internship with MC4. I think I had some expectations, but overall I wasn't sure what was going to happen with it. While it hasn't been the experience I had imagined so far, it's taken me through an amazing journey with God. It also brought me to Montana. I found so much of myself on that YWAM base... So much that wanted to come out. I had some realizations about my future and how I hear from God and had literally one of the best weeks of my life. I found out that my deja vus are not just coincidences, but from God. He answered my prayers about wanting to paint and paved the road for me to end up doing so at the end of that week. I remember so much of that experience; so much of those six days. The car rides, the first night there, the first morning, seeing Annie and Justin, finding Megan and Addie, worshipping, talking, forging bonds and making friends. If nothing else came from that time, I left with a deep ache in my heart to go on my DTS. I miss that base so much. I miss the people, the worship, the lectures, the relationships... I miss everything about it. I can't wait to be back there one day if that's where God calls me (: Back in September, Jon left for basic training. Two days after Jacob's birthday, five days before mine and the same day I started The Internship, I had to say goodbye to my little brother. He graduated in November and it was such a privilage to be there for it all. The graduation was breath taking-- to watch all of those poised and regimented friends and family march into the building was such a sight. I can't believe an entire year has already gone by... I can't believe that milestones are happening this year and that things will be changing forever. As I sat in the chair and my grandma's just relaxing, it hit me that it was my last normal Christmas I'll ever have. Last year was truly the final 'normal' Christmas for us, because we're now on the schedule of picking Jon up for leave and having to ship him back. Next Christmas, I don't know if he'll be home... I do know that I won't, though. I'll be in Australia. I have a lot to look forward to in this year and a lot to figure out and do for myself. I just need to come back to God and dig in with Him.

Won't someone remind me of my one desire

Wow. Sometimes I don't realize how much I'm holding on to until it all just cracks and floods out. Then I feel bad because I didn't just give it to God in the first place... I decided I'd just try to figure it out myself. Which is stupid because I can never figure it out. You'd think I would've learned by now. Then there's the times where you start making your own decisions for yourself... Stupidly. Then, of course, things change and you realize what you were doing and how maybe it's supposed to go differently. I have a problem with just listening and trusting... Problems with just letting go of the control. But what do you say to someone you love who's miserable? What do you tell them that's going to give them hope? I really don't know. What do you do when you're just at your wits end? Where do you move from there? How do you even move from there? Prayer... I can't believe I'm at a point where I have to ask that question to have God answer it and for it to make sense.
Regression at its finest.
Unanswered questions.
Lack of solutions.
Frustration building.
Prayer.
When do you throw in the towel?
Immediately.
It's not mine to deal with,
It's God's.
Always His.

I don't need to see it to believe it, cause I can't shake this fire deep inside my heart.

Seeing is NOT believing.
If it is, I have no brain.
Or heart.
Or feelings.
No tomorrow.
No future.
But I have those things.
And I have God.

Your name is glorious.
Your love is changing us.

Peace.
Comfort.
Solitude.
Solution.
Love.
Grace.
Mercy.

Wow. So much has been going on... Last week I was in Chicago to watch Jon graduate from Naval basic training. Even before that, though, my dad was admitted into the hospital. Monday night he said he could hear his heart pounding in his head and that he felt a little dizzy. Tuesday, he calls me in the middle of the day to say that he's at the hospital and they're admitting him and keeping him overnight. He had a bunch of tests run on him that night and they found out he has a tear in his carotid artery. This tear is causing his blood pressure to sky rocket at times and at others to drop. He's had an even bigger migraine than normal as well. Not to mention that for at least a week, his left pupil was smaller than his right... All of this was going on RIGHT before we were set to go see Jon. My mom was saying she didn't think he'd get to go and alternate plans were already being arranged just in case. I talked to him on and off all day Wednesday. With some prayer and medication, his blood pressure was down and stable and they were clearing him to not only go home, but to fly the next morning. The past week since then hasn't been fun for my dad exactly as far as his health goes. Things were on and off in Chicago, but he managed it well. We get back and immediately I'm sick. The next day he goes in to his doctor to get checked out. Nothing new; not much different. Constantly I'd ask him "How are you feeling? How's your head? Your eye? What's your blood pressure at?" He checked his blood pressure regularly. Yesterday morning started out nicely. He woke up with no pain in his head, nothing bugging him. We were ecstatic, but not counting our chickens. Two pm comes around and his blood pressure starts climbing. By five, it's at 202/98. Ideal blood pressure is a little below 120/80 ((Mine sits at 113/76)), normal is 120/80. Normal for my dad runs higher anyways, but since this had been running in the 150-160 range. His doctors knew and said that wasn't the spot to worry at. When he read the 202/98, he called for me and asked me to come hang out with him because he was worried about it. We talked about him going to the hospital, he called his doctors and I jumped in the shower. Within twenty minutes we were out the door and headed to Northwest. We were there for five or six hours last night at least. The highest I saw his blood pressure climb last night was 221/113. Not good. He was released last night and sent home with some new medication to hopefully regulate his blood pressure better. This morning as I'm walking out the door to go to church, he tells me his blood pressure is extremely low. He said he wasn't going anywhere and that I should go anyways. Later on, his face started going numb. He's now in the hospital again, admitted, and staying over night. Again. They don't want to do surgery if they don't have to, but so far things don't seem to be changing much except for the symptoms.

Back to Chicago... The flight over with dad was fun. We were in the same row, but on exact opposite sides of the plane. We made friends with the people around us like we always do ((I definitely get that from him)), watched movies and snacked. The best flight that trip, however, was our connecting flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. The flight was at three thirty, I believe, and we were in the sky as the sun was setting. The amazing thing about the land out there is that it's FLAT. And when I say flat, I don't mean country farm land of Washington flat. I mean straight, laid out, see for miles and miles and miles flat. With the sun going down over the edge of the land, looking out of the window and flying only a mile or two above ground, the sky looked like it was on fire and the ground seemed as if it twinkled with all of the street, house and car lights. It was incredible. I wish I could've gotten pictures. My dad and I were the first to arrive at the hotel with my mom and Jacob following behind not too long after. That night as Jacob was hanging out with my myself and my dad in our hotel room, my mom calls and asks my dad to go on a walk with her... Not something usual. When he comes back, he tells us that she informed him of the arrival of her boyfriend later that night.

He's the answer to my silence, he's my sound

It's interesting what you'll hear from God when you just listen... I think so often, especially for myself, I expect answers to my questions always even when I don't ask them. I guess in my mind, I just figure that God knows every thought I have, so why actually ask? But really, if you could read minds, you wouldn't sit there answering questions for everyone just because they thought them. Not to be a Twilight freak, but it's kind of like with Edward. He can hear the thoughts of the people around him and unless asked or "spoken" to directly, he doesn't just respond to people's thoughts. So I imagine it's the same way for God... While he can hear everything in our heads, if we don't ask directly, he probably won't just answer unless we need it. Horrible that I just compared a fictional vampire to my amazing Father, but it just goes to show where we are in culture (: All this to say He and I dialogued last night and He calmed my nerves about some things. Well, one thing in particular: James. While I love James more than I'm positive I've loved any other human being, sometimes my brain can't wrap itself around the concept that he fits into my life perfectly and is supposed to be there. Often when you follow God, you hear about laying down your life, giving everything over to God and letting His will be done and not our own. I guess at some point for me, that translated into the possibility that I'd have to give up one for the other. While I've wrestled with this for a while, it wasn't until last night that I really asked the questions and got my answers. I'd just like to stop for a second and say how faithful God is to answer questions when we ask. He always has an answer for us and is willing to give it if we are willing to hear it. Sunday night Phil invited the interns to his and Emily's house to worship and wrestle with our questions and struggles together. As Dave started playing songs and as Phil was speaking beforehand, it was apparent to me what God wanted to talk about, what He wanted me to ask questions about. So I did. Phil gave us pen and paper and said to write. I didn't keep it, so I can't say exactly what I wrote, but I went through a wrestling process with God. I asked questions. I asked whether or not this was right because some sick and twisted part of me felt like maybe it possibly wasn't. The thought of that was gut wrenching... I talked to Him about a you vs them situation with the two of them. Whether or not I had to choose. Would I be called to leave everything and everyone including James? Would God do that? Then the questions turned to my priorities... Were they in the wrong place? If God was ripped out of my life, would it hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the thought of James being gone? Would I be the same person? Could I exist on some level of contentment? The very basic answer to almost all of these questions was, and is, 'no'. After I had struggled with the first few, God just said "Look at Phil and Emily. Look at Syrina and Evan." Essentially His question to me was whether or not, knowing what they mean to the other, would they succeed apart from each other? Would He ever dream of doing that? Once again, the answer was 'no'. He wouldn't separate them... He wouldn't have created specifically the one for the other just to call them away from each other. He's not sadistic and that's not how He works. When it came to the questions about my separation from God, I already knew the answers... Removing God from me would take away the very heart of my life. I struggle and fail a lot at centering my life around Him at all times like I should and sometimes I don't say what I should say or do what I should do, but He's at the core of who I am and the things I want. Taking Him out would remove a lot more from my life than just Himself. So, no, I wouldn't be the same person and I really couldn't live on some level of contentment with that kind of hole in my chest. The answer to end all questions for the night was this: "It's not about a choice". He's not asking me to choose. He never has in this situation and He never will. One for the other, both for Him. Does that mean I won't ask it again? Probably not... I'm sure that sick and twisted part of me will rear its head again and doubt things that have the most simple of answers and if and when I do, He'll tell me the same thing: it's not about a choice.

I feel like I should stay consistent and have a song lyric for my title, but I can't think of one right now and the last song I was listening to was all beautiful piano... Now Journey is playing. haha Don't Stop Believin', of course!

These past two weeks have seemed like an entire month and a half in themselves.

So much has happened, yet not that much.

Jon is officially a Navy kid. They own him, I guess you could say. I don't like how it sounds, but essentially it's the truth. We got to hang out with him on Wednesday the nineth for a while. We went to the mall, ate some dinner and then went to Family Fun Land. The irony of being there was the fact that my mother's boyfriend was also there. He was there for the entire time we were all hanging out, actually, even at the mall. I think my biggest frustration is for my dad. He just wanted the five of us to be together one last time and then her boyfriend's there. I don't know.. I understand that I need to go to him and work out my problems with him or at least make peace, but I just get so frustrated. Anyways. So we all played arcade games for about and hour and a half and then we played thirty four holes of our version of mini golf (: I say 'our version' because there were a whole lot of hole-in-ones that happened that otherwise would not have! The rule was that as long as your ball didn't stop, it was still in play and if you happened to kick, nudge, shuffle, scoot, shoot, shove, whatever it into the hole, it was only one!

dlagnworithfghfg'tj'agfsdg; My dad just called. My mom got what's called an automated letter from Jon and it's the list of people he wants at his graduation... I'm on it and my dad said he's going to try to see about buying my plane ticket for me!

So we played those amazing rounds of mini golf and were done after that. Dad and I took Jon back to the hotel where he was staying and made it just in time for his nine pm bed check.

Our one desire: To praise You and lift You up... I surrender

I'm so fully aware of God these days. Even in my worst times, I know He's there and I can feel Him. Feel Him working, feel Him fighting for me, screaming for me to listen... I think it's almost always been like that, just sometimes I decided to tune it out. Why someone, logically, would want to tune out God, I don't know. Why I tuned God out is so I wouldn't feel so guilty and convicted when I was doing things I shouldn't have been. Now, even in the midst of sin, I feel Him and hear Him. Today I got so ridiculously pissed off. Maybe it was a build up of things, maybe it was something else... Whatever it was, it made me incredibly mad. Jacob being snarky didn't help and I immediately began taking it out on him. Even sitting in my room blasting angry music, I could feel God move. I had the same song playing on repeat for about thirty minutes and just sat with God while being angry. What an incredible and unbelievable Father we have; what an amazing God we serve.

Speaking of sitting with God, Phil spoke last Wednesday about feeling God's presence on Tuesday night and how that doesn't always happen, but he realized that he wasn't the only thing alive in the room. I don't feel like it's something to brag about and that's not what I mean, but it makes me wonder... If one of the most inspirational men of God I've ever known doesn't feel God in most of the moments of his day, why do I? What's the difference?

I still don't understand what the heat in the center of my palms is about. I don't know if I'm supposed to be able to do something with it or it means something or what... It's still there, though.

The Internship starts this week... Three day retreat in Skykomish with everyone (: Sunday is our first official day. I'll be at the church from about eight forty five in the morning to seven at night. Eleven hours in my true home. It's a pretty snazzy way to spend a day if you ask me! Toddler's room during first service, going to the second service, meeting my Internship mentor at 12:45-- don't know how long that will take-- and then I'll probably grab lunch and then come back to help set up the church because at four thirty, EPIC Children's Ministry is having a western themed party and all the volunteers have to be there. Going to Katelin's after that whole day (: Pretty excited to see her.

My schedule coming up looks like this:
Tomorrow- Jacob's birthday. So, dinner with him and my dad since Jon and our mother are going to dinner themselves.
Wednesday- Saying goodbye to Jon and sending him off on this terrifying ((to me)) adventure. The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leave for retreat
Friday- At the amazing retreat :D I think we're going to Leavenworth this day.
Saturday- Come home. Rest and sleep.
Sunday- Everything mentioned above. Plus spending the night at Katelin's, not just hanging out (:
Monday- Come home at some point... Maybe do something with family for some random reason?
Tuesday- MY BIRTHDAY! :D Noooooooooo longer a teenager, thank you Jesus. Morning class-- Sprititual Descipleship-- with Ben Dixon from nine to eleven. Fam fam dinner. Which isn't restricted to the fam fam considering I invited Josh and Jazzie (:
Wednesday- The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leadership meeting with everyone from The Internship from eight to ten in the morning. First class through New Life Ministries Classes on Spiritual Formation from six to nine.
Friday- No clue :D hahaha FREE DAY!
Saturday- GAME NIGHT in celebration of my birthday at Mike and Julie's. Much fun and laughter to be had.

I'm a little stressed about the lack of a car to help me get to all of these places, but there are the busses. ALTHOUGH, I don't know if the Everett bus system runs at nine at night and if not, then I'm screwed on getting home... So I'll have to figure that out within the next week so I don't get stranded because that would be atrocious.

I can't believe Jon's going into the Navy... It's freaking me out to not know where his duty station is going to be; to know that the field he's going into is going to place him in high demand and could take him straight to the battle zones. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. We're all going to be bawling like humungous babies this Wednesday... Which is why I'm so glad I'll be at The Young that night. I know I will need it.

Since I'm doing The Internship this year, I have decided, officially, that I am going to do the mcDTS in 2010. I spoke with Anne-Mieke about it and asked when I could start turning in paperwork for it and she said I could do that now, so I'm going to. I want to get locked into it early so I have no excuses for not going. Hopefully before it's 2010 I'll have all of the forms turned in (:

God, You're so awesome. Thanks for everything You've given me and continue to do. I'm sorry I'm such a pain.

I want nothing but to rest my soul

It's funny how my feelings towards certain people never change no matter how long it's been. I don't know what to do in this instance, but what I would like to do is to grab my adopted sister and hug her. I've known Rosie for four years now even though it seems like it's been ten. A lot of the time, I took on the role of her protector. Sometimes it seemed like I was a stand-in mom... I love that girl more than I love a lot of people. I would glady give everything and do anything if she could be okay. I felt that way meeting her behind our cabin at camp four years ago, I felt that way three years ago when she lived with me, I feel that way now and I always will. In some odd way, she kept me whole. We went through a lot of drama together and a lot of chaotic things, but she was my best friend and along the way became part of my family. I just want to go get her... I want to bring her back and sit her on my bed and talk. Hand her Bunny Foo Foo and listen to anything she needs to say. Or hold her like I have hundreds of times before. I just want to keep the world from damaging her anymore. I want to stop her from hurting... I wish I could. It's frustrating that I can't.

Serenity, confusion, happiness, loss

This has been an interesting past week and a half... I feel like I've lost my resolve. I am not sitting with God throughout my day. He's always with me, but I'm not there. Definitely not checked in. These past few days have been far from my best. It's frustrating to say the least. I almost feel overwhelmed in a way..? But I'm not sure why or where that's coming from.

I wrote that part earlier, left it and now I'm finishing I guess.



So, I got my official acceptance letter into The Internship with MC4. It made me excited for this upcoming year and for God and growth. I still feel overwhelmed and I still feel like I'm standing back a little too far, but hopefully it'll fade quickly.

I have decided, I have resolved, to wait upon You Lord

My rock and redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirt reign, flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

We are not shaken
We are not moved
We wait upon You Lord
Mighty deliverer, triumph and truth
We wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as Your word endures

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit reign, flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

You'll Come
This is Our God
Hillsong




I just reread my blog from last week... Mainly the last paragraph and the prayer following. I can definitely say God moved. I watched four hundred students pour out their hearts and cry out for our God and say that they needed Him. I felt myself being transformed throughout the week. It's funny because we had a talk some point during one of the leader's meetings last week about how we're here for the students, but why can't we get anything out of it. Exactly my thoughts. I don't feel like camp is just for those kids. Yes, we are there for them, the experience is created with all of them in mind. But if the leaders can't be filled and changed as well, what good are we to the students?

I, for one, feel lighter in a bunch of different ways. I guess the word 'free' would be a great way to describe it. I didn't fully realize it until I was in with the two year olds on Sunday morning. Past times, I've felt a little weird. Like the things we were doing were embarrassing or that I thought I looked ridiculous. This week, I didn't care. I had the majority of the kiddos playing peek-a-boo with me on the slide for at least ten minutes. I didn't care how silly the hand motions may have looked when we were playing their worship tape. It flat out didn't matter to me what everyone who wasn't in that room thought. My actions speak towards those kids. They follow what we do and how we act... If I hold back and act embarrassed, they will too. I don't want them to ever feel ashamed because they're living for God or because they're worshipping Him. Ever.

One of the best things about our God is that He meets us where we're at. I saw the transformation from the first day with the high schoolers who had their walls up and didn't let God move to the final days when you would watch them and know God had shown up and changed them. I am SO proud of the group we had. Especially the MC4 kids. Holly, to me, seemed unsure when we first got there. At the end, her wall was down and she was encountering God. One of the first days, April told me she wasn't going to bawl. I told her that as soon as she puts God in a box, He cannot get out of it. She told me the next day that I was right. Watching her throughout the week, I could not help but smile. There were a few times where I just stopped and watched her worship. She was so on fire and it just seemed like she couldn't get enough. This week, she's leading the junior highers. So is Holly, actually. Jessica realized the changes she needed to make when she got home with the relationship she has with her mom. How she needs to let her be more of a mom and not just a best friend. Lamaiah... Sweet, sweet girl. Her sixteenth birthday was on Thursday. It was the first time she'd been away from her family for her birthday and early on, she was not happy about it. She felt like she didn't fit in and that she was missing out from being at home. She and I had a talk on Tuesday night during pre-service prayer about where she was at and how she was doing. One of the things she said to me was that she was going to miss the traditions for her birthday. How every year, she wakes up and there's a present at her feet. You'd better believe we made that happen for her (: She woke up with the present at her feet just like every other year of her life. We also sang to her about three different times throughout the day! Nick Glenn. Oh my word. He came this year also as a new leader... Wednesday night I made it a point to say how proud of him I was. I remember him four years ago when we first met. I remember how he wasn't really sure of himself. I know in those four years, he'd walked away from God. This past week though, he was ministering to kids. Reading through bible verses with them, spending time with them and mentoring them. I feel like the words were from both myself and God.

Just so I don't forget, I guess I should probably go through my week. Monday night we started off with a bang. haha Kids were on their knees crying out and worshipping and the leaders were laying hands on them. I kept praying one thing over kids as I moved throughout them and made my way to the front with the MC4 kids and that was "New breath, new life". After Chad was done speaking and was dismissing the ladies from the chapel, I went and talked to him about it... He asked me to find him the next night and share it. So Tuesday night I found him before worship and asked if he still wanted me to speak. He said yes. Worship was over, he was settling everyone down and asked me to come up. I really don't have a clue at all what I said. I spent about ten minutes during pre-service prayer that night praying about my speaking-- not to be nervous and to let God's words flow through me. I once had someone say that typically when you can't remember your prayers, it's because God was speaking through you. Whether or not that's true, I guess what I said impacted people. I remember challenging them to open up and let God move... I remember saying that Jesus died so we had the chance at a new breath and a new life. That I felt like that's what the week was about-- finding that new breath and new life in God no matter where you were already at. Wednesday night we prayed for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. God being God, he sent me girls I had never met before :D Later we got into small groups and prayed. We were supposed to pray for our friends and then interceed for the nations. I had two girls in my group. One I didn't catch the name of, the other was Heather. As I was moving into the intercession ((by the way, I apparently became a praying fiend because I used to find it so nerve wracking and now I'm a-okay with it. Good job God!)) Heather passed out. I had my eyes closed, but I felt her slump to the floor. She woke up about fifteen seconds later and I immediately walked her out to Kimmer's. Luckily, she didn't hit anything, she just collapsed. Kimmer says it was the heat, I say different. lol Either way, I was glad she was okay and she and I spent the rest of the ten minutes or so of chapel time outside on one of the picnic tables talking. Thursday night during pre-service prayer, we got into prayer groups again. This was to just pray over each other for anything we needed... I was asked to join a group of three. The boys names I didn't get ((Jeez I suck at that! I should probably work on it...)) the girl's name was Sara. I started asking what they wanted prayer over-- one of the boys wanted prayer for his back pain-- but I stopped, turned to Sara and started speaking into her life. I prayed over her for about ten minutes and then she went to the back to her cabin leader. Later that night, I prayed over a girl during worship. I could hear her and felt this pull, so I went. We ended up moving her outside and talking to her and whatnot. She looked like she came out of it with a weight lifted off her shoulders. Friday night I spent talking with Kimmer about a bunch of different things. During pre-service prayer for Friday, though, I got a chance to talk to Sara again. She told me how much what I said on Tuesday night meant to her as well as the prayer the night before. She said she left that thinking that I was the kind of person she wanted to be and then asked me to mentor her. I've talked about this to a few people and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. It was my favorite serious moment about camp that week. I gave her my name and my number so we'll see if that goes anywhere.

Now to some amazing funny moments. The best one of all was Friday morning. Leaders are ALWAYS allowed in whenever. I was hanging out in the chapel before the kids were let in for morning service and suddenly I see all these leaders flooding in; most of them guys. Drew and Riley were two of the games people for the week and they had gotten out this large bag of dodge balls. As the guys started huddling in, I walked over. I was handed a dodge ball and then I started walking around them. I somehow moved myself into the center of this gigantic circle we had going on with all the guys surrounding me and the majority of the rest of the dodge balls on the ground in front of me. We crowded in as best we could and tried to make it seem like a huge prayer group. So, they started letting the students in and as they were doing so, Riley's in the front telling everyone to be respectful of the prayer group in the center and to keep quiet. I'm finding this so hilarious that I could not stop laughing. We're sitting there strategizing about how to best hit these kids in the face with the balls and how to spread out as quickly as possible. Dave actually did begin to pray, but they were things like 'God, please aim our missiles directly at the students. Jesus give them power and accuracy' or 'God I pray a shield of protection around the leaders' It was amazing. Luckily, my voice was so gone that, to everyone NOT in the circle, my laughing sounded like I was crying. I'm huddle over this pile of dodge balls so that the crafty kids who are starting to stand on chairs so they can see what's going on can't tell. I was shaking from laughing so hard and I actually snorted a few times. Drew at some point got on the mic and told everyone to squish up to the front so that people were pretty much lumped together in a mob. I guess my 'crying' was convincing, as I was told by a few people later on. People had started to calm down and were actually fairly quiet when Riley shouted 'NOW!' and we all opened up and started hurling the balls (: It lasted for about five minutes back and forth and I could not stop laughing.
Another was Tuesday when we played tug-o-war.. My group of girls, along with humungous Oak Harbor boys and a few other girls cabins, won :D The last battle was my team as well as half of the MC4 boys. We beat! It was great.
There was a shaving cream fight on Wednesday.
Thursday we had an AMAZING thunder storm :D I literally had been praying for that.
We had to cancel the mud pit on Friday due to the colder weather. Ironically, it had warmed up around the time we would've been doing it.

All in all, it was probably the best week of camp I've had. I cannot wait for next year and I'm extremely excited for God to keep moving in the days to come (:

Take my life, I lay it down

At the cross where I am found
All have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all you have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And Your are mine

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

Arms Open Wide
Hillsong


Worshipping at home versus worshipping at church or in a church setting is interesting. You're not in an established place that you KNOW is all about God. It's just your home. Although, maybe your home is all about God. I cannot wait for that... I think worship at home is just slightly more beautiful in a way. All worship is incredible and beautiful, but there's something about CHOOSING to not be in a church or church setting... To be in your car or on the bus or at school or in your home worshipping God because it's what you want to do. I love it. I feel like my worship is most meaningful outside of church. I feel like I get more God out of it because I don't have a hundred other people around me that could be distractions in any form. I'm in my room, nothing's going on that I'm not fully aware of, I'm worshipping God. It's a great feeling.

This song is one we'll be singing this week at camp. I'm very, very excited for it. For this song, for this week at camp... All of it. My favorite part in this song is My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name. And forever I will pray have Your way. It just says a lot. I've had issues every year about turning away from God, struggling to come back, struggling to get closer... It's odd, but I feel like I'm finally getting it. I'm finally grasping this whole thing and learning what it means to truly give my whole life.

I have a feeling this week at camp is going to be unlike the others I've been to before... It doesn't really have much to do with my stepping into the leader role and not being a camper with the senior highers, it has more to do with this feeling about God and His presence. In previous years, Friday nights have been the big ones... They're the ones where people get saved if they haven't been already, people get spiritual gifts, they start speaking in tongues, they feel God more than they've ever felt Him before. There was one exception and that was last year... Last year's big night was on Thursday rather than Friday. Friday was still just as great, but we were in the chapel until about eleven... Maybe even midnight on Thursday. Either way, I feel like this week is going to be a bunch of those in-your-face God nights. I pray that it is. I can't speak for the other churches because I don't know where their kids are at, but I know students of The Young need a good week long smacking in the face from God. I know I do as well... That's always the funny thing. Camp's about the students, but the leaders need the stretching as well. It'll be interesting for me to be on the other side of things and to see how I grow this time. I can't wait... These six days are some of my favorites in the year. I'd live them over and over again if I could.


God, I pray that You show Yourself to these students in a new way. I pray that You push them to their limits and help them to grow. Not only do I ask this for the students, but for the leaders as well. For the speakers who are coming in, I ask that You give them a fresh voice and a keen ear to hear what You want them to teach. I pray that lives are changed in a more permanent way. I pray coming home and readjusting to life outside of a constant controlled atmosphere isn't hard on us all; that what we learn this week sticks with us longer than a month. I pray for lasting changes God. I pray that You reveal plans You have for our lives and that You correct an uncertainties we may have about You or the life You have for us. I pray this week isn't like the ones we've had before; rather that it be so apparent that You are with us at all times, holding us when we need it, pushing us when we need it, speaking words and breathing life when we need it. I thank You for this group of people that is coming together to draw closer to You. Thank You for the opportunity I have to be here once again.

The enemy has been defeated. Death couldn't hold you down.

There's a time for everything... If nothing else, I've learned that in my life. No, continuing to shoot for Australia is not the right thing for right now. There's always later. If it's meant to happen, it will. I filled out my application for the MC4 Intership today when I was over at Julie's. I got to have a pretty nice conversation with Phil this morning as well after the service was over ((Ten minutes early, too! haha)) I talked to him somewhat about what's been going on with me recently as well as where I am now. After that, he had me go get the application out of his laptop case in Sean's office and when I came back, we talked about it. We're getting together this week to talk some more and I'm definitely looking forward to it. I didn't say anything about not going to camp... I'm staying here and that needs to be his decision.

I've never loved God more. I've never wanted Jesus in my life more than I do today and moving forward. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast

Yep. I'm seriously listening to that song right now. I have fifteen Disney songs on my Zune and I'm playing them on shuffle because Disney is amazing :D

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I'm not sure if I want to give up on Australia for this year or if I really do want to save it. I don't know if now is the time to go or not. All I do know is that when Amy left me that comment saying that her scanner was waiting for me to use, I felt this little tear in my heart. I was a little sad from last week's decision to hold off on going on that mcDTS. I guess what I'm wondering is is this trip something I'm supposed to do with someone else? Or should I do it alone? That's always been one of the things that excited me about a DTS-- not knowing anyone else there. So, if I know someone there, if I come with someone, does that detract from that excitement? Slightly. I feel like I'm all about pushing my comforts and my boundaries and forcing myself to be in out there positions. I love pushing myself to make connections on my own and without the help of other people and I know that if I have someone with me that I already know, I'll have a tendancy to stick near them and not branch out so much. While the prospect of being in a different country without anything familiar seems frightening, I love it. Maybe I can't give up on this... Maybe I do need to fight for it. I mean, there's two months left till the school starts, I can do it. I just need to do it all NOW. This would also mean not going to camp as a leader... This would mean stepping back and not fully immersing myself into The Young. At the same time, though, how well can I lead when I myself am still searching and trying to figure things out? How effective can I be if I'm so far behind? I feel like this would be a benefit to not only myself but to the kids and to my fellow leaders. If I'm a stronger person, I can strengthen others. Can I get the money in two months? Well, if God really wants me to go, absolutely.

Hello there, God (: "Trust in Me" is what I hear... What does that even look like? I know what it's like to trust someone, but when it comes to trusting in You for answers, what does that look like? How can I be absolutely sure that I have an answer when you give it to me? "I open doors" True. Doors are always opened to lead us to the path you want us to go on. Just because I want to do one thing doesn't mean I shut the doors you've opened for me. Just because I don't want to miss out on camp and want to go as a leader which would require me to be in a steady position to stay here doesn't mean that it's what I'm supposed to do. I think either way I shouldn't go to camp... I have no idea what I'm doing and it's not fair to try and say I'll be here when I don't know if that's what's going to happen. You're gonna see, it's our destiny. You've got a friend in me :D More Disney :D haha I felt it was appropriate. It was also playing. Now Can You Feel the Love Tonight is on! ANYWAYS. I guess I just need to go for it. I don't feel one hundred percent on that, but I don't know if I ever will. Hopefully one of these days I won't doubt whether or not it's Your voice or just my head.

I don't even know where to pick up. Background check..? I need money for that. Yes, my dad. But I hate asking for money. I hate asking him for things at all. "He's your dad, he'll help" I'll call the courthouse on Monday and ask about it. I have the number.

Here's to the red, white and blue

So. Jon leaves for basic in... Forty eight days. He has to report to the hotel for briefing on September 9th, so that will technically be the last day we see him for a while. He's going to Great Lakes, Michigan for basic and will be moving to Pensacola, Florida for his schooling. He'll be doing cryptology work. I don't remember the exact name for it, so I'll have to ask, but essentially, it's a pretty smarty pants and important job. Although, every job in the armed forces is important, so I'm not really sure how I could gauge how this one is more so than the others. Probably because my brother will be the one doing it. I'm not sure when any of his things end... I don't know when basic is over, I don't know when he'll graduate from school, I don't know where he'll be going after that. While I'm extremely proud of him, I've never been more scared for him in his life. It hasn't completely hit me yet what he's doing, but as I'm writing this out, it's starting to sink in. The nineth isn't going to be a fun day. I mean, I don't see Jon all the time now as it is since we don't live together, but I have the option to do so now. I won't have that in forty eight days. I can't just call him and tell him about something stupid that reminded me of him and made me laugh. He's in, so far, for a total of six years. One year is basic and school, the other five are stationed and possible active duty. Hopefully he'll take advantage of those thirty days a year he'll get to come home and visit. As much as I hate them, I'm already missing those rib-crushing hugs.

Jesus, would you light up my way?

I hate sucky dreams. Actually, I hate anything other than pleasant dreams that you wake up from and wish that you could immediately go back to. There's bad dreams and nightmares and sucky dreams. Bad dreams are just bad. They're not nice and fuzzy, but they're also not terrifying. Nightmares are what they are. Sucky dreams, to me at least, are the dreams you REALLY don't like having personally, but they are really only bad for you to have. I had the suckiest dream I can ever recall having last night and I honestly hope and pray I never have that dream again. I don't remember much of it... Part in the beginning was a baseball or soccer game, but the majority of the dream I spent crying and being angry. I don't remember how, but at some point, James died in the dream. It was one of those dreams, too, that FELT real, which made it even worse. For the most part, I'm fully aware I'm dreaming. Most of the time, even in nightmares, I know that it's not real and that I will wake up either, a. when I decide to wake myself up b. when the dream is done or c. when something else wakes me up. This felt so real and I was completely convinced that it had actually happen. Thankfully, I woke up... It happened to be three hours earlier than I normally would have, but I would've gladly woken up even before that if it meant the dream ended. The sense of relief I had when I opened my eyes and became aware of where I was was incredible and entirely a blessing. At the same time, it took me about an hour to shake the feelings. I was exhausted as if I really had been crying for hours. I was still mad. I was trying to make sense of it all, but what hit me the most was how much I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I mean, before I would've told you I would be in pieces if I did, but it's more apparent now. I spent the entire day unsure of the dream and a little flustered until he got off work and I was able to talk to him. Honestly, though, I'm still slightly on edge. All I can say is that I'm grateful it wasn't true and that God is the best remedy for life.

My plans have changed. I'm not moving to Portland next year, if at all anymore. James is still coming here and I'm hoping Brittany is as well. James, however, will have his own place separate from where I'm living. He continually amazes me. I felt guilty telling him we weren't moving to Portland and that things for him were going to be a tad more difficult for him because I was uncomfortable with us living together when we're not married. He, however, completely understood and told me it was okay. God is the best in general, but I continually thank Him for James. So, I'm staying in this area... Seattle, Lynnwood, Mill Creek... Something. The exact details, I don't know and I've learned they're not for me to know or for me to try to decide. Church camp is in about two weeks. I've asked Phil if I can go, he's heard where I'm coming from and now I'm waiting to hear what he says about it. I don't blame him for being concerned about what I'm doing-- I mean, I was there and then all the sudden I disappeared. Students need stable people in their lives; people in general need stable people in their lives. So, he asked what my plans were and what I wanted. I want a lot of things... One is to stay connected as a leader in The Young. Stemming from that, building relationships with new students who have since arrived while I was gone, strengthening the ones I already have and pushing growth for everyone. Although, I don't know if pushing is the right word, it's all I can think of for now. I also need to get together with Phil because The Young is starting up an Interns program and he thinks it would be something I'd be interested in and he'd like me to consider it. I'd say that I'm interested, but I don't know really anything about it yet. They had a meeting this past Sunday, but I was with my family at a cabin for the weekend, so I missed it. More and more I'm continually learning to trust God in my life, with my life and with everything I have. It's a life rocking feeling and I'm absolutely enjoying it.

We must be swift as the coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I'm slightly obsessed with this song right now. Don't know why.



Ugh. A lot is on my mind right now... There are two things in particular that are bugging me currently. One is completely frustrating and I'm not sure what to do to change the circumstances. The second I'm not sure if I want to even talk about. The reason I don't want to is because it could be potentially damaging if ever seen. Not to everyone-- to most, it makes no difference at all. Is it considered dishonest if you don't talk about something? If you don't acknowledge something in your life that is fact and truth, does that make the coping and reaction a lie? This is the moment, it's on the line. Which way you gonna fall? In the middle; between wrong and right? That pertains to two things as well... ((Apparently things are coming in twos)) The first being the situation I'm not sure if I want to talk about, the second being my battle with rebellion vs. purity.

This story's going somewhere...

"You're a warrior Beth...

But remember that sometimes, in the midst of the battle, all you have to do is stand.

Let Jesus fight for you"

Yeah, Tashie, that's from you (:

Ever feel like you're not living up to your potential? I mean REALLY not living up to it? Cause every day, I'm feeling this growing burning inside of me to be more. What that means and how that would even look, I'm not completely sure. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like there's so many things I've been gifted with that I, number one, don't even know about and, two, need to start using. Of course, the ability to use them is contingent on finding out what they are. You can't really use a gift if you don't know what it is. I'm trying to find help, but not actually trying. The thought sounds good and pretty in my head, but I don't go after it. I have SUCH a lack of initiative that goes beyond procrastination. It's pretty insane.

I need to get my background check. I'm pretty sure I have to get that through the courthouse because I do believe the police stations, for whatever reason, don't do them. Also, if I'm not mistaken, they cost money, which is something I do not have. I have a dad, but I feel pretty strange asking him for money no matter what it's for. I didn't even ask him to go to the store when there was essentially no food in the house. That's how dysfunctionally awkward I am about asking people for things. I guess I feel like I don't have the right to ask for help..? Where that comes from, I have no clue.

I'm freaking about trying to do this whole DTS thing. I think I'm scared, so I don't even try to get my foot in the door. I mean, I'll never know if I don't try, and failure is assured if I don't. I need to stop looking at the big picture and take it one step at a time.

I feel dysfunctional. It makes me want to laugh, though, so I guess that's sort of a good thing? O_o haha

I'd say that I'd make goals for tomorrow, but I'm pretty bad at them. I guess I'll try to try?

My mind is a safe and if we keep it then we'll all get rich

First half of two thousand and nine is almost done. It's crazy what happens in a span of six months.
Six months ago:
-I desperately wanted to stop being hung up on Justin
-I had feelings for Josh
-I was counting days of sobriety
-I had no job
-I wanted to go to Perth, Australia and go on the mcDTS
-I just wanted to be heard
-I cared about complete strangers whole heartedly

Since then:
-I completely let go of everything with Justin. Literally when the clock hit midnight on New Years, I said "no more" and with one breath, let it go.
I don't think I made a resolution for this year. I think I just wanted to live. Live with no regrets and live as fully as I could.
-I no longer have feelings for Josh. I'm still oddly drawn to him, but there's nothing really there.
-Well, first off, I broke my hundred some odd days of sobriety in January. I don't remember when the last time I had alcohol was, but I haven't been drunk in almost a year.
-I still have no job. It fails miserably.
-UGH. I still want to go to Perth... Badly. I keep making excuses, I keep letting things stop me, I keep doubting the whole thing. Doubting myself, doubting if it really is what God wants me to do, ((I'm being a big idiot about it. He's been wanting me to put myself out there and just freakin GO for three years. Almost one for the mcDTS. I need to shut up and do it)) doubting I guess His ability to get me there... I don't doubt Him, I don't think... But I guess I just feel overwhelmed by it right now.
-I still want to be heard. Sometimes I feel like the things I say sound ridiculous, so sometimes after a while, I just stop saying them. I was born a talker for a reason. I have a lot to say, but a lot of times I won't.
-At the center of everything, I don't think I've stopped completely and whole heartedly caring for complete strangers, but on the surface, I don't.


I feel like I'm back in high school. If I don't know you, whatever, I don't care. If I don't like you, eff off. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I hate being like this. The name calling needs to stop. The distaste for people because they're something else is atrocious. Right now, I feel really freakin off. I feel like I could cry at any second, which is very strange. My chest feels tight, my breathing is heavy and I don't feel like I should. God help me. My mind just went completely blank. This is something that happens frequently. It's like someone's intercepting all my thoughts before they can become complete and run through my mind. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I just got really frustrated. REALLY REALLY frustrated. I'm so sick of this. So sick of the effing battle. It doesn't mean I won't continue it, but I'm so sick of having to fight to live the way I truly want to. I'm so sick of constantly going back and forth. I can be authentic, but it's not who I want to be. I'm so sick and effing tired of having to go through this stupid time period every year in my life where I take a step back from God. I would LOVE to make it one damn year without that freakin four month break where it all seems to come to a hault. I guess I hate walking into the unknown. I hate that I have no idea how to go about this whole life with God. I feel like I'm supposed to figure it out on my own and that I really don't have anyone to help. Quite frankly, other than Brittany and James, I'm feeling pretty disconnected from everyone. I don't really ever see anyone, I don't really talk to people any more... I don't go to youth group, before this past Sunday, I hadn't been to church in a month. For someone who loves being around people so much, I'm alone A LOT. What I've realized lately is that my brothers see my dad more than I do. I see him only at nights. Some nights, I don't even see him because I'm already in my room. We're in the same room for, at most, an hour before I feel awkward and go to my room to leave him alone. I don't talk to my dad and my dad and I don't do anything together. The boys see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Since it's now summer time, most of the weekends they'll be gone camping. It feels GREAT to be left out of your own damn family. I don't ever know when they're going camping until the Thursday night beforehand. By then, most of the time, I've already made plans. Every Wednesday night, they're out somewhere together. Every other night of my dad's weeks are spent at his best friend's house, at another friend's house or with his girlfriend. I essentially live by myself. I want God so bad. SO bad. I just stop for some reason whenever it starts to get there. I have people in my life who are great models for how to live and how I want to be, but I'm not REALLY in relationship with any of them. I try making connections, try to make plans to hang out, but people are busy and are "booked solid for the next few weeks". Then I see Facebook statuses about "I'm bored, anyone want to hang out?" HELLO!? I've been asking to hang out for weeks. Or years in some cases. It's becoming just something people say to me. They don't actually mean it or follow through. Feels pretty fucking sucky. I don't know where to go or what to do next. Everything is so jumbled and I feel pretty lost right now.