Drown me in love

I rode a camel today. It was a really weird experience... The hump wasn't too comfortable, but it was fun talking to the guy who was leading it around and hearing about his story with the camels-- they're his, by the way... Apparently he's from Oklahoma and he keeps camels to take around to different zoos for the summer months. It's a business he started with the son of a cattle rancher he grew up next to.

Often I'm trying to figure SOMETHING out about my future... Most of the time, it has to do with James or something of the sort. It was good to talk to Debra about everything today. We talked about relationships in general, marriages that are succeeding, marriages that have failed, her marriage, my parents, my future. One of the biggest things for me as I get older and get closer to that chapter of my life is the importance of not being unequally yolked. For Debra, she was when she got married. Her point, however, was that she didn't know you weren't supposed to be when you walked into something as monumental as your marriage; I do. She said that when we know something, when we're told something, informed of something, brought in on the story and we do the opposite, it's a disobedience problem. It's not an "Oh, I think we can make it anyways, it'll just take a lot of work" situation, it's a "I know this is what I'm NOT supposed to do and I'm just going to do it anyways". While I've heard a handful of success stories swirling in those circumstances, it is highly unlikely that this is a life experience I'm called to. For a number of reasons. Moving forward, I have no idea what this is going to mean. Well, I do as far as what I know as truth on how my marriage is called to be. I do not, obviously, know where this is going to take James as a person or us together. I guess we're back to the drawing board with it. Well, God's drawing board anyways. Maybe it's more like a felt board with little felt characters you can move around and put where you want... Either way, I have to figure out a way to give it back and let go of control. I HAVE to stop making promises I'm not %1000 sure I can keep.

Today ended with the Financial Peace University class. I've heard about this program before and I was completely disinterested and opposed to taking it. As God would have it, though, that was exactly where I landed tonight with Debra when we were running late coming back from the zoo. I've now decided to take the course. I don't have the $100 it costs for the materials, but I can sit in on the videos and participate and take my own notes, which is fine with me. I'm actually excited about it. This was only night one and the class is already beginning to transform how I think and feel about money, handling it and being RESPONSIBLE with it. This is going to be good for me. Everyone else has reading homework from the book that comes with the class resource kit... My homework, officially, is to write and send out my support letter before class next Tuesday. Amy will like that one (:

Love is unstoppable

I've been thinking about love a lot lately since Ken died a week ago today. My mom has said a lot of things to me multiple times in the past seven days, but the one she tells me and everyone she has the chance to is that when you find love, don't let it go. It's change some things inside of me a little and made me think A LOT. It's made me think about the past and the people I've loved and let go of. It's made me think about the people I love and have NOW and what they mean to me and how I show it. It's also made me think about the future and being fully in love somewhere down the line.

One of the other things that have been on my mind as a result is describing WHY you love someone. WHY do I love my best friends? Why do I love my other friends? Why have I loved James? Why could I love the other?
I think I always struggle to explain why I love someone.
I can list things off and tell you what you do to make me happy,
Or what you've done for me,
But it doesn't feel like it's enough to explain love.
I love you because I do.
I love you in spite of what you see to be shortcomings.
I love you for things you don't see in yourself.
I love you because we can laugh together
And cry together.
Because you're there for me when I just need to talk.
Because you get the thought I'm trying to express when I don't have the words.
Because you being in my life makes mine better.
Because I smile a lot more with you here.
Because you speak the words I didn't know I needed to hear
Or the words I needed to say but didn't know how.
Because despite our differences, you choose to stay in my life.
Not only that, but you choose to be there in a huge way.
I love you because you let me speak into your life.
I love you because there aren't boundaries or conditions for our relationship.
I just love you.
And that's the end of that one.

Guilt is poison

And suicide is selfish.

I've never had to lose someone. I've been alive for twenty years and I've never TRULY lost someone who was close to me. The people I did lose didn't leave unexpectedly. And we never had unfinished business.
All of this has now changed.
We've lost.
We've lost and now we have to find harmony amongst the discord.
You took yourself away.
You left HER.
And she's in pieces.

I don't know if I'll ever understand. I guess I just don't know how to understand. There have been times in my life when I thought about ending my own life, but I was always pulled out of that. I don't understand how you were so bad off. How were things so horrible? So horrible that you would be able to pull the trigger... I've replayed how I think your last moments must have been a few times now. Looking at the pictures of you with my mom in the happiest times of her life. Staring into the eyes of your son in the one picture you had out of him... How could you look at all of it and not change your mind? Death is permanent. You don't get to change your mind or take it back. It is the end and that's it.
I wish I could've been there to stop you.

I will never have the chance to look you in the face and tell you I stopped hating you. I'll never get the chance to have that conversation. I'd been wanting to let you know for months. We needed to have it. I'm sorry that I was bitter, stubborn and prideful.
I wish you would've known.

I don't know if this will ever truly and fully sink in...
These have been the most surreal days I've experienced so far.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make sense of this.

I hope you see how this is effecting all of us.
Her.
The boys.
All three of them.
Myself.
My sisters.
People you worked with.
Your family.
People you never got the chance to know.

I wish you would've stopped to see that it wasn't all bad... That there was a lot of good. There could've and would've been a lot more good to come.

This life is Yours and hope is rising

Wow. So 2009 is done... I can't actually believe that considering I still feel like it's August. There has been a lot that has happened and changed, yet not much at the same time. When 2009 started, I had a thing going with Josh. I was going to church, but was lost as far as what I was doing with myself. In April, I told James I didn't have feelings for him anymore. That happened to be the day before Jacob Chey Manginelli was born. All six pounds of him (: Scot Mortimer, BFL, also got married on the 18th of that month. Heidi got married in May and a week later, so did Annie and Justin. Apparently I was wrong, because James and I started dating again a little after that :D Not a whole lot happened over the summer. I struggled with myself some more and still felt lost in a sense, but I guess I wasn't doing much about it. I went to JC as a leader for the first time in August. A week prior to that, I signed on to The Internship with MC4. I think I had some expectations, but overall I wasn't sure what was going to happen with it. While it hasn't been the experience I had imagined so far, it's taken me through an amazing journey with God. It also brought me to Montana. I found so much of myself on that YWAM base... So much that wanted to come out. I had some realizations about my future and how I hear from God and had literally one of the best weeks of my life. I found out that my deja vus are not just coincidences, but from God. He answered my prayers about wanting to paint and paved the road for me to end up doing so at the end of that week. I remember so much of that experience; so much of those six days. The car rides, the first night there, the first morning, seeing Annie and Justin, finding Megan and Addie, worshipping, talking, forging bonds and making friends. If nothing else came from that time, I left with a deep ache in my heart to go on my DTS. I miss that base so much. I miss the people, the worship, the lectures, the relationships... I miss everything about it. I can't wait to be back there one day if that's where God calls me (: Back in September, Jon left for basic training. Two days after Jacob's birthday, five days before mine and the same day I started The Internship, I had to say goodbye to my little brother. He graduated in November and it was such a privilage to be there for it all. The graduation was breath taking-- to watch all of those poised and regimented friends and family march into the building was such a sight. I can't believe an entire year has already gone by... I can't believe that milestones are happening this year and that things will be changing forever. As I sat in the chair and my grandma's just relaxing, it hit me that it was my last normal Christmas I'll ever have. Last year was truly the final 'normal' Christmas for us, because we're now on the schedule of picking Jon up for leave and having to ship him back. Next Christmas, I don't know if he'll be home... I do know that I won't, though. I'll be in Australia. I have a lot to look forward to in this year and a lot to figure out and do for myself. I just need to come back to God and dig in with Him.

Won't someone remind me of my one desire

Wow. Sometimes I don't realize how much I'm holding on to until it all just cracks and floods out. Then I feel bad because I didn't just give it to God in the first place... I decided I'd just try to figure it out myself. Which is stupid because I can never figure it out. You'd think I would've learned by now. Then there's the times where you start making your own decisions for yourself... Stupidly. Then, of course, things change and you realize what you were doing and how maybe it's supposed to go differently. I have a problem with just listening and trusting... Problems with just letting go of the control. But what do you say to someone you love who's miserable? What do you tell them that's going to give them hope? I really don't know. What do you do when you're just at your wits end? Where do you move from there? How do you even move from there? Prayer... I can't believe I'm at a point where I have to ask that question to have God answer it and for it to make sense.
Regression at its finest.
Unanswered questions.
Lack of solutions.
Frustration building.
Prayer.
When do you throw in the towel?
Immediately.
It's not mine to deal with,
It's God's.
Always His.

I don't need to see it to believe it, cause I can't shake this fire deep inside my heart.

Seeing is NOT believing.
If it is, I have no brain.
Or heart.
Or feelings.
No tomorrow.
No future.
But I have those things.
And I have God.

Your name is glorious.
Your love is changing us.

Peace.
Comfort.
Solitude.
Solution.
Love.
Grace.
Mercy.

Wow. So much has been going on... Last week I was in Chicago to watch Jon graduate from Naval basic training. Even before that, though, my dad was admitted into the hospital. Monday night he said he could hear his heart pounding in his head and that he felt a little dizzy. Tuesday, he calls me in the middle of the day to say that he's at the hospital and they're admitting him and keeping him overnight. He had a bunch of tests run on him that night and they found out he has a tear in his carotid artery. This tear is causing his blood pressure to sky rocket at times and at others to drop. He's had an even bigger migraine than normal as well. Not to mention that for at least a week, his left pupil was smaller than his right... All of this was going on RIGHT before we were set to go see Jon. My mom was saying she didn't think he'd get to go and alternate plans were already being arranged just in case. I talked to him on and off all day Wednesday. With some prayer and medication, his blood pressure was down and stable and they were clearing him to not only go home, but to fly the next morning. The past week since then hasn't been fun for my dad exactly as far as his health goes. Things were on and off in Chicago, but he managed it well. We get back and immediately I'm sick. The next day he goes in to his doctor to get checked out. Nothing new; not much different. Constantly I'd ask him "How are you feeling? How's your head? Your eye? What's your blood pressure at?" He checked his blood pressure regularly. Yesterday morning started out nicely. He woke up with no pain in his head, nothing bugging him. We were ecstatic, but not counting our chickens. Two pm comes around and his blood pressure starts climbing. By five, it's at 202/98. Ideal blood pressure is a little below 120/80 ((Mine sits at 113/76)), normal is 120/80. Normal for my dad runs higher anyways, but since this had been running in the 150-160 range. His doctors knew and said that wasn't the spot to worry at. When he read the 202/98, he called for me and asked me to come hang out with him because he was worried about it. We talked about him going to the hospital, he called his doctors and I jumped in the shower. Within twenty minutes we were out the door and headed to Northwest. We were there for five or six hours last night at least. The highest I saw his blood pressure climb last night was 221/113. Not good. He was released last night and sent home with some new medication to hopefully regulate his blood pressure better. This morning as I'm walking out the door to go to church, he tells me his blood pressure is extremely low. He said he wasn't going anywhere and that I should go anyways. Later on, his face started going numb. He's now in the hospital again, admitted, and staying over night. Again. They don't want to do surgery if they don't have to, but so far things don't seem to be changing much except for the symptoms.

Back to Chicago... The flight over with dad was fun. We were in the same row, but on exact opposite sides of the plane. We made friends with the people around us like we always do ((I definitely get that from him)), watched movies and snacked. The best flight that trip, however, was our connecting flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. The flight was at three thirty, I believe, and we were in the sky as the sun was setting. The amazing thing about the land out there is that it's FLAT. And when I say flat, I don't mean country farm land of Washington flat. I mean straight, laid out, see for miles and miles and miles flat. With the sun going down over the edge of the land, looking out of the window and flying only a mile or two above ground, the sky looked like it was on fire and the ground seemed as if it twinkled with all of the street, house and car lights. It was incredible. I wish I could've gotten pictures. My dad and I were the first to arrive at the hotel with my mom and Jacob following behind not too long after. That night as Jacob was hanging out with my myself and my dad in our hotel room, my mom calls and asks my dad to go on a walk with her... Not something usual. When he comes back, he tells us that she informed him of the arrival of her boyfriend later that night.

He's the answer to my silence, he's my sound

It's interesting what you'll hear from God when you just listen... I think so often, especially for myself, I expect answers to my questions always even when I don't ask them. I guess in my mind, I just figure that God knows every thought I have, so why actually ask? But really, if you could read minds, you wouldn't sit there answering questions for everyone just because they thought them. Not to be a Twilight freak, but it's kind of like with Edward. He can hear the thoughts of the people around him and unless asked or "spoken" to directly, he doesn't just respond to people's thoughts. So I imagine it's the same way for God... While he can hear everything in our heads, if we don't ask directly, he probably won't just answer unless we need it. Horrible that I just compared a fictional vampire to my amazing Father, but it just goes to show where we are in culture (: All this to say He and I dialogued last night and He calmed my nerves about some things. Well, one thing in particular: James. While I love James more than I'm positive I've loved any other human being, sometimes my brain can't wrap itself around the concept that he fits into my life perfectly and is supposed to be there. Often when you follow God, you hear about laying down your life, giving everything over to God and letting His will be done and not our own. I guess at some point for me, that translated into the possibility that I'd have to give up one for the other. While I've wrestled with this for a while, it wasn't until last night that I really asked the questions and got my answers. I'd just like to stop for a second and say how faithful God is to answer questions when we ask. He always has an answer for us and is willing to give it if we are willing to hear it. Sunday night Phil invited the interns to his and Emily's house to worship and wrestle with our questions and struggles together. As Dave started playing songs and as Phil was speaking beforehand, it was apparent to me what God wanted to talk about, what He wanted me to ask questions about. So I did. Phil gave us pen and paper and said to write. I didn't keep it, so I can't say exactly what I wrote, but I went through a wrestling process with God. I asked questions. I asked whether or not this was right because some sick and twisted part of me felt like maybe it possibly wasn't. The thought of that was gut wrenching... I talked to Him about a you vs them situation with the two of them. Whether or not I had to choose. Would I be called to leave everything and everyone including James? Would God do that? Then the questions turned to my priorities... Were they in the wrong place? If God was ripped out of my life, would it hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the thought of James being gone? Would I be the same person? Could I exist on some level of contentment? The very basic answer to almost all of these questions was, and is, 'no'. After I had struggled with the first few, God just said "Look at Phil and Emily. Look at Syrina and Evan." Essentially His question to me was whether or not, knowing what they mean to the other, would they succeed apart from each other? Would He ever dream of doing that? Once again, the answer was 'no'. He wouldn't separate them... He wouldn't have created specifically the one for the other just to call them away from each other. He's not sadistic and that's not how He works. When it came to the questions about my separation from God, I already knew the answers... Removing God from me would take away the very heart of my life. I struggle and fail a lot at centering my life around Him at all times like I should and sometimes I don't say what I should say or do what I should do, but He's at the core of who I am and the things I want. Taking Him out would remove a lot more from my life than just Himself. So, no, I wouldn't be the same person and I really couldn't live on some level of contentment with that kind of hole in my chest. The answer to end all questions for the night was this: "It's not about a choice". He's not asking me to choose. He never has in this situation and He never will. One for the other, both for Him. Does that mean I won't ask it again? Probably not... I'm sure that sick and twisted part of me will rear its head again and doubt things that have the most simple of answers and if and when I do, He'll tell me the same thing: it's not about a choice.

I feel like I should stay consistent and have a song lyric for my title, but I can't think of one right now and the last song I was listening to was all beautiful piano... Now Journey is playing. haha Don't Stop Believin', of course!

These past two weeks have seemed like an entire month and a half in themselves.

So much has happened, yet not that much.

Jon is officially a Navy kid. They own him, I guess you could say. I don't like how it sounds, but essentially it's the truth. We got to hang out with him on Wednesday the nineth for a while. We went to the mall, ate some dinner and then went to Family Fun Land. The irony of being there was the fact that my mother's boyfriend was also there. He was there for the entire time we were all hanging out, actually, even at the mall. I think my biggest frustration is for my dad. He just wanted the five of us to be together one last time and then her boyfriend's there. I don't know.. I understand that I need to go to him and work out my problems with him or at least make peace, but I just get so frustrated. Anyways. So we all played arcade games for about and hour and a half and then we played thirty four holes of our version of mini golf (: I say 'our version' because there were a whole lot of hole-in-ones that happened that otherwise would not have! The rule was that as long as your ball didn't stop, it was still in play and if you happened to kick, nudge, shuffle, scoot, shoot, shove, whatever it into the hole, it was only one!

dlagnworithfghfg'tj'agfsdg; My dad just called. My mom got what's called an automated letter from Jon and it's the list of people he wants at his graduation... I'm on it and my dad said he's going to try to see about buying my plane ticket for me!

So we played those amazing rounds of mini golf and were done after that. Dad and I took Jon back to the hotel where he was staying and made it just in time for his nine pm bed check.

Our one desire: To praise You and lift You up... I surrender

I'm so fully aware of God these days. Even in my worst times, I know He's there and I can feel Him. Feel Him working, feel Him fighting for me, screaming for me to listen... I think it's almost always been like that, just sometimes I decided to tune it out. Why someone, logically, would want to tune out God, I don't know. Why I tuned God out is so I wouldn't feel so guilty and convicted when I was doing things I shouldn't have been. Now, even in the midst of sin, I feel Him and hear Him. Today I got so ridiculously pissed off. Maybe it was a build up of things, maybe it was something else... Whatever it was, it made me incredibly mad. Jacob being snarky didn't help and I immediately began taking it out on him. Even sitting in my room blasting angry music, I could feel God move. I had the same song playing on repeat for about thirty minutes and just sat with God while being angry. What an incredible and unbelievable Father we have; what an amazing God we serve.

Speaking of sitting with God, Phil spoke last Wednesday about feeling God's presence on Tuesday night and how that doesn't always happen, but he realized that he wasn't the only thing alive in the room. I don't feel like it's something to brag about and that's not what I mean, but it makes me wonder... If one of the most inspirational men of God I've ever known doesn't feel God in most of the moments of his day, why do I? What's the difference?

I still don't understand what the heat in the center of my palms is about. I don't know if I'm supposed to be able to do something with it or it means something or what... It's still there, though.

The Internship starts this week... Three day retreat in Skykomish with everyone (: Sunday is our first official day. I'll be at the church from about eight forty five in the morning to seven at night. Eleven hours in my true home. It's a pretty snazzy way to spend a day if you ask me! Toddler's room during first service, going to the second service, meeting my Internship mentor at 12:45-- don't know how long that will take-- and then I'll probably grab lunch and then come back to help set up the church because at four thirty, EPIC Children's Ministry is having a western themed party and all the volunteers have to be there. Going to Katelin's after that whole day (: Pretty excited to see her.

My schedule coming up looks like this:
Tomorrow- Jacob's birthday. So, dinner with him and my dad since Jon and our mother are going to dinner themselves.
Wednesday- Saying goodbye to Jon and sending him off on this terrifying ((to me)) adventure. The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leave for retreat
Friday- At the amazing retreat :D I think we're going to Leavenworth this day.
Saturday- Come home. Rest and sleep.
Sunday- Everything mentioned above. Plus spending the night at Katelin's, not just hanging out (:
Monday- Come home at some point... Maybe do something with family for some random reason?
Tuesday- MY BIRTHDAY! :D Noooooooooo longer a teenager, thank you Jesus. Morning class-- Sprititual Descipleship-- with Ben Dixon from nine to eleven. Fam fam dinner. Which isn't restricted to the fam fam considering I invited Josh and Jazzie (:
Wednesday- The Young from five to nine.
Thursday- Leadership meeting with everyone from The Internship from eight to ten in the morning. First class through New Life Ministries Classes on Spiritual Formation from six to nine.
Friday- No clue :D hahaha FREE DAY!
Saturday- GAME NIGHT in celebration of my birthday at Mike and Julie's. Much fun and laughter to be had.

I'm a little stressed about the lack of a car to help me get to all of these places, but there are the busses. ALTHOUGH, I don't know if the Everett bus system runs at nine at night and if not, then I'm screwed on getting home... So I'll have to figure that out within the next week so I don't get stranded because that would be atrocious.

I can't believe Jon's going into the Navy... It's freaking me out to not know where his duty station is going to be; to know that the field he's going into is going to place him in high demand and could take him straight to the battle zones. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. We're all going to be bawling like humungous babies this Wednesday... Which is why I'm so glad I'll be at The Young that night. I know I will need it.

Since I'm doing The Internship this year, I have decided, officially, that I am going to do the mcDTS in 2010. I spoke with Anne-Mieke about it and asked when I could start turning in paperwork for it and she said I could do that now, so I'm going to. I want to get locked into it early so I have no excuses for not going. Hopefully before it's 2010 I'll have all of the forms turned in (:

God, You're so awesome. Thanks for everything You've given me and continue to do. I'm sorry I'm such a pain.

I want nothing but to rest my soul

It's funny how my feelings towards certain people never change no matter how long it's been. I don't know what to do in this instance, but what I would like to do is to grab my adopted sister and hug her. I've known Rosie for four years now even though it seems like it's been ten. A lot of the time, I took on the role of her protector. Sometimes it seemed like I was a stand-in mom... I love that girl more than I love a lot of people. I would glady give everything and do anything if she could be okay. I felt that way meeting her behind our cabin at camp four years ago, I felt that way three years ago when she lived with me, I feel that way now and I always will. In some odd way, she kept me whole. We went through a lot of drama together and a lot of chaotic things, but she was my best friend and along the way became part of my family. I just want to go get her... I want to bring her back and sit her on my bed and talk. Hand her Bunny Foo Foo and listen to anything she needs to say. Or hold her like I have hundreds of times before. I just want to keep the world from damaging her anymore. I want to stop her from hurting... I wish I could. It's frustrating that I can't.